Hanging on/The Long Haul #6

[WCW]

You know, I went to church tonight. The sermon was about evangelism but I couldn't concentrate on it very much. But somewhere in there it became clear to me that I was pushing my H away from me, and not reaching out to him. I'm afraid to reach out to him because I think that is pursuing. It's been nagging at me, alot this week, this distance again, emotional and physical. It's a vicious circle we've always had, that I feel like I am reacting to him, and he thinks he is reacting to me. Like the tail chasing the dog. I get so mucked up with this DB stuff, that I think I'm doing what I should be doing, and it's all wrong. I try so hard to be unemotionally attached, that I don't recognize the good signs. I don't balance it all very well. I thought about all this, and then I come home and see that you are all telling me this too. I am pushing away, and not seeing positives. I am wallowing in my own pain and grief, just like I accuse H of doing. So, I'll do more reflection on what you've all told me. You're right. I need to know how to make myself available when/if H reaches out to me.