Hi WCW, just a minute to post. You stopped by my thread before christmas and asked what I had done to help with my husbands anger, and I told you I'd be back soon with some thoughts...sorry to be so slow, I've honestly been thinking a lot about what I might have to share that could be helpful. I'll try to be concise, when I think too much I go on a lot... It's hard to pinpoint one thing...so many things are intertwined. I started by thinking ALOT about what H's complaints were in our R (JJ suggested this once to me), and then thinking about what I might do differently. He had voiced complaints and I ignored them for years, so recalling those was not too hard . I became very observant of how he responded to things I did or didnt do, and learned to "listen between the lines" for more clues. I found that if I was still and tuned in, many things became evident that I would have missed other wise.
Things that got ANY kind of positive response from H, I tried to make a habit of; at the same time I tried like h-ll to avoid the things that he responded to negatively, which was harder than it sounds because it changed from day to day.
One day, in a fit of anger as we were arguing, I just flat out asked him "what he wanted"....and he screamed back at me "I want to be the boss. For once in my life, I want to be the boss".....so I took that very very seriously. I tried to look at "me" from his point of view, and I saw that in many ways H must have perceived me as controlling and infantilizing (just like his mother! )....and I made a huge effort, a concious effort, to change that way of relating to him. I've been thinking that what I did was "give him his head". You will know what I mean. I grew up on horses, and you know how sometimes you'll get one that will fight like crazy if you keep the reins tight? even if you think the reins are lose enough? and then you loosen the reins and give them their head, and they are like a different animal. Well, my H responded much the same way. How did I drop the reins???? hmmmmmm, have to think. I reminded myself over and over and over and over again that H IS A BIG BOY (and has 1 mother which is plenty) and tried like the dickens to not mother him. I actually was in the laundry room once, muttering to myself "he's a big boy, leave him alone unless he asks for help"...and then found out H was in the bathroom just off it listening to all my depraved mutterings. Other ways/things I did: I stopped giving instructions/directions,bit my tongue a lot (H used to complain that he could never do anything right/good enough for me). I even let him turn the wrong way going to church once, and drive for probably a mile, and never said a word. I accepted the way he did things (he's just now starting to do some things, by the way)... When I turned something over to him, I left it to him to handle it. In the past I would be likely to grab it back if he didnt do it right. example: our cell phone bill. I couldnt stand paying it because I knew he called ow. I handed it to him one night and asked him to take care of it. so now he does. EXCEPT he always pays the damn think a week late. I dont' say a word. not one word. It's his responsibility to figure it out and he's a big boy and sooner or later he will. he's been paying it a week late for probably a year and a half now, and just last week he commented "what the heck, they want this now on the 7th????"; I just said "oh, really?" without an attitude, and let it go.
I also made a point to express appreciation for any little thing he did...not exaggerated, or "fake" but just to mention how much it helped, or how much it meant, or what ever. Got that tip from some one here, as well, I think Mollie or TC....
I gotta run, will try to think of more....just wanted to say, I think his offer of the fudge was a good baby step (and you smiled and him and said "thanks!" cheerfully, right?) and his going to the ball game with you was as well. You "did good" by not going without him....those issues can be addressed later, right now you gotta draw him back to you. Take care, I'll check in with you soon! Deb
. I became very observant of how he responded to things I did or didnt do, and learned to "listen between the lines" for more clues. I found that if I was still and tuned in, many things became evident that I would have missed other wise. 
)....and I made a huge effort, a concious effort, to change that way of relating to him. 
