A few weeks ago we were invited to help some folks this weekend, it involves horses. I mentioned it to H, he didn't say much at the time, I didn't bring it up again until this morning about going. We also have a meeting one day this weekend which is still bouncing back and forth, and H said 'we' couldn't go due to that meeting. I said it was a one day meeting and that left the other day open, although it is a 3 hour drive one way to friends place. H seemed interested then, and asked a little bit more, but then he said he might have plans with one of our other friends, and he wasn't interested in driving across the state to play. I got a bad feeling about the way he changed his mind and his tone of voice so fast. Feels wrong, gut feeling. I would still like to go, and will make my plans accordingly, pending weather, directions, etc. I also know that other friend is not able to go with H, because I talked to that guy today and offered him the option of coming to play also which H hadn't mentioned to him, but he can't go anywhere this weekend. I look forward to having fun this weekend, although it will be a lot of driving for me, and no one to share the trip with. I get sad when I think of doing these things without H along, I've just gotten so used to doing things together as a couple, things we share a common interest and enjoy. That is past tense now it seems. I did all those things I enjoy on my own before H came into my life, I can enjoy them again without him too. It's what we get used to.
It also gets difficult because our friends and activities and hobbies are so comingled that it feels weird when we end up asking the same people to do something, one direction with H or a different with me. Weird. H continues to exclude me from his life, but he can't exclude me from our joint friends. Doesn't that have to their choice?
I'll need to start a new thread again soon. Not sure where to go from here. There is not a forum for Separated But Living Together or WAH Almost. So for lack of a better place, I'll stick around in Piecing for now, and try to gather some positive vibes about Back Together Again. I still have Pieces, but I feel like I'm in Humpty Dumpty's story - all the Kings Horses and all the Kings Men........
Think positive! think positive! think positive! jump on in here anyone and help out! Think positive! think positive!!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I don't know what brought me to piecing, I am farther away from peicing each day. Just reading through your post. and I was thinking that it is so easy to see the positives in someone else's thread. I mentioned this in hopefloats thread today, and then I read that you were directed there too. Honestly I do feel bad for you, but you have come so far, the anger sucks, the pulling away sucks, but you have ridden the storm out this far, keep it going.
I'm glad you stopped by my thread and I hope it helped.
Positives? I see a big one...your husband lives at home with you. I can't tell you how much I wish I could say that. He's been living apart from me for 5 mo. now and shows no signs of returning.
Just remember to take it slowly and I think you will be fine. It's going to take time to rebuild your relationship. If it starts with offering a piece of candy, then that's wonderful; it will keep getting better!
Hugs, Hopefloats
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hi WCW, just a minute to post. You stopped by my thread before christmas and asked what I had done to help with my husbands anger, and I told you I'd be back soon with some thoughts...sorry to be so slow, I've honestly been thinking a lot about what I might have to share that could be helpful. I'll try to be concise, when I think too much I go on a lot... It's hard to pinpoint one thing...so many things are intertwined. I started by thinking ALOT about what H's complaints were in our R (JJ suggested this once to me), and then thinking about what I might do differently. He had voiced complaints and I ignored them for years, so recalling those was not too hard . I became very observant of how he responded to things I did or didnt do, and learned to "listen between the lines" for more clues. I found that if I was still and tuned in, many things became evident that I would have missed other wise.
Things that got ANY kind of positive response from H, I tried to make a habit of; at the same time I tried like h-ll to avoid the things that he responded to negatively, which was harder than it sounds because it changed from day to day.
One day, in a fit of anger as we were arguing, I just flat out asked him "what he wanted"....and he screamed back at me "I want to be the boss. For once in my life, I want to be the boss".....so I took that very very seriously. I tried to look at "me" from his point of view, and I saw that in many ways H must have perceived me as controlling and infantilizing (just like his mother! )....and I made a huge effort, a concious effort, to change that way of relating to him. I've been thinking that what I did was "give him his head". You will know what I mean. I grew up on horses, and you know how sometimes you'll get one that will fight like crazy if you keep the reins tight? even if you think the reins are lose enough? and then you loosen the reins and give them their head, and they are like a different animal. Well, my H responded much the same way. How did I drop the reins???? hmmmmmm, have to think. I reminded myself over and over and over and over again that H IS A BIG BOY (and has 1 mother which is plenty) and tried like the dickens to not mother him. I actually was in the laundry room once, muttering to myself "he's a big boy, leave him alone unless he asks for help"...and then found out H was in the bathroom just off it listening to all my depraved mutterings. Other ways/things I did: I stopped giving instructions/directions,bit my tongue a lot (H used to complain that he could never do anything right/good enough for me). I even let him turn the wrong way going to church once, and drive for probably a mile, and never said a word. I accepted the way he did things (he's just now starting to do some things, by the way)... When I turned something over to him, I left it to him to handle it. In the past I would be likely to grab it back if he didnt do it right. example: our cell phone bill. I couldnt stand paying it because I knew he called ow. I handed it to him one night and asked him to take care of it. so now he does. EXCEPT he always pays the damn think a week late. I dont' say a word. not one word. It's his responsibility to figure it out and he's a big boy and sooner or later he will. he's been paying it a week late for probably a year and a half now, and just last week he commented "what the heck, they want this now on the 7th????"; I just said "oh, really?" without an attitude, and let it go.
I also made a point to express appreciation for any little thing he did...not exaggerated, or "fake" but just to mention how much it helped, or how much it meant, or what ever. Got that tip from some one here, as well, I think Mollie or TC....
I gotta run, will try to think of more....just wanted to say, I think his offer of the fudge was a good baby step (and you smiled and him and said "thanks!" cheerfully, right?) and his going to the ball game with you was as well. You "did good" by not going without him....those issues can be addressed later, right now you gotta draw him back to you. Take care, I'll check in with you soon! Deb
I have to agree with Deb here. I think your own hurt and feelings of rejection are preventing you from seeing things in a more objective manner. I believe your H is indeed reaching out to you.
I hate to sound like a broken record around this place, but have you read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and 5LL?
If you're feeling a little stuck, which I think you are, these might help loosen up the ice dam.
Please continue to hang in there. I really sense you and H are at a crossroads, and you have the skills and tools and ability to tip the scales in favor of your M. Don't give up!
I have to agree with the others... also because I too am realizing that once things got better I had to sabatoge them a bit. In so many H is taking way more risks than I am ... I finally am seeing this.
I keep seeing HIS anger and how HE is stuck in the past but I got plenty of my own. Seems to come out esp. when I feel we are connecting.
I have read so many books and have many more to go. I guess I finally have to read the Mars Venus book.
Hang in there. I have given myself 1 super baby goal a day that is an action where I take a risk with my H in some tiny way. Maybe there is something like that you could do: small so you dont feel like you are pusing but something you can say" did it. nice job me!"
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
You know, I went to church tonight. The sermon was about evangelism but I couldn't concentrate on it very much. But somewhere in there it became clear to me that I was pushing my H away from me, and not reaching out to him. I'm afraid to reach out to him because I think that is pursuing. It's been nagging at me, alot this week, this distance again, emotional and physical. It's a vicious circle we've always had, that I feel like I am reacting to him, and he thinks he is reacting to me. Like the tail chasing the dog. I get so mucked up with this DB stuff, that I think I'm doing what I should be doing, and it's all wrong. I try so hard to be unemotionally attached, that I don't recognize the good signs. I don't balance it all very well. I thought about all this, and then I come home and see that you are all telling me this too. I am pushing away, and not seeing positives. I am wallowing in my own pain and grief, just like I accuse H of doing. So, I'll do more reflection on what you've all told me. You're right. I need to know how to make myself available when/if H reaches out to me.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
. I became very observant of how he responded to things I did or didnt do, and learned to "listen between the lines" for more clues. I found that if I was still and tuned in, many things became evident that I would have missed other wise. 
)....and I made a huge effort, a concious effort, to change that way of relating to him. 
