Hanging on/The Long Haul #6

[WCW]

Well, here is my update. Opti, you are right about my anger and resentment. It is very real, and very large. I recognize that, and have been trying very hard to control it, and not let it show, not let it out, especially when H is around. I don’t feel safe at all in this deal, it’s after the holidays, and I still feel like I’m just waiting for this to bust open. And it probably did last night. My bad PMA continued into the evening. H and I had a big argument last night about the cows, I asked but he wouldn’t help me again, hasn’t helped at all with the bull, breeding, moving, giving shots. Now I’d already been working two hours on these cows and still not done, I’m full of mud and sh!t, I asked why he wouldn’t help, all he would keep saying was what he thought didn’t matter. I asked why the attitude, he denied it, I said quit acting like an ass, he said who? I said look in the mirror. Turns out he doesn’t like it that “I rushed in to save the day” and get this cow stuff done, when he was going to take care of it. So, just as I knew would happen, he is mad at me for getting this done and he is just bucky and won’t help. I told him we could do it together but I’m not doing it by myself anymore, and put my horse away. (She is so good! I am so proud of her! She is so good she almost turned out from under me while getting a cow to go the right direction. I would have really been full of BS!)

I had a meeting last night, and it turns out H says he had a different meeting. By this time I couldn't hold back my tears, I am so angry and hurt, but I tried. H was leaving first, asked about my meeting, said be careful in the fog, I said you too, he said see ya later, I just looked at him. I wasn't sure, I just wanted out of there. He walked out but came back in, and said if I wanted to try and explain to him again what I was saying, that he might be calmed down enough when he got home that I could try. I got home very late, he was home. H sat with his laptop, and I sat down but didn't say anything. After a few minutes he set his laptop aside, more silence. He checked his laptop again for awhile, then set it aside again, got more comfortable and closed his eyes. This wordless conversation all took about 30 minutes. I got up and said I was going to bed, and if he wanted to continue this conversation he was welcome to join me there. He said, what? I repeated, and went to bed. That was it. If he wanted to talk and called the meeting, then I figured he should do the talking. I wasn't going to get in the trap again of telling him my thoughts and then it just gets used against me and he won't say what he thinks. That's a cheeseless tunnel, quit doing what doesn't work.

Which is my life, my life with this man is not working. Nothing I do is right, he finds fault with everything I do, or don't do, and works very hard to set me up to fail. He has accomplished his goal again, this time. I don’t know for sure if it’s good or bad that we didn’t talk last night. It’s been the only time I remember that he’s said something like that, and maybe I blew it by not talking. But all I could think is that whatever I said would have been interpreted wrong. And I wasn’t going to start a conversation that he had asked for. He can be a man and step up first when he wants a conversation.

I will work hard on my anger and resentment and PMA. I won’t have cows to deal with anymore once I get them all turned back out where they belong tonight. That’s h’s deal now, and we’ll go broke with him running it his way. But I can’t help him, or I don’t know how to help when all he does is resent my help or my doing it. It will be hard for me to sit by and let this happen, and maybe I won’t be able too. I know it will drive me crazy, and so does H. I will work on my projects that have deadlines approaching. I will continue to work on what I can for myself and a better life.

There most likely won’t be many responses after this acknowledgement, I’m not 100% sure, but I’ve said before that I think H knows about this site, and follows along. After the specific words he used last night, I’m even more sure he does know. I’m just not very good at a secret life. So, this is for you Dear Husband. Where are you taking the items that are missing from the house? Why don’t you just be a man about it rather than sneaking around? Why don't you just leave rather than draining the life out of me? I knew this was coming after the holidays, and yes, you are trying to pick fights again. You are trying to justify your thoughts of how bad our marriage is. Just like how it was two years ago when you were so busy getting cozy with OW bitch. Always trying to pick a fight, and always blaming me for everything. Nothing I could was right. I know I am not perfect, I know I have made mistakes, I know that you have feelings of hurt and pain that I have caused you, I know some of that is very real, I have hurt you. I am sorry, I cannot change what you want to think about me, I cannot change what you want to do. But I do think it is time that you figure out the changes you want to make and act on them. And while you are making your decisions, and taking action, remember that I do still love you. But don’t use my love for you against me, take care of it wisely. I still have hope that somehow we can make a decision that we are strong enough to put our childish behaviors aside and get real about how we can forgive ourselves and each other, bury this marriage, and make a new marriage that is better and stronger to represent who we really are. It won’t be easy, it could very well be the hardest challenge we’ll ever face. But we’ve always turned challenges into opportunities, and here’s another opportunity. Tell me what you want to do. We can do it together, but I’m not doing it by myself anymore.