Thanks for the hugs and thoughts. I'm having a dang hard day today, bad PMA. I just can't shake it, I'm angry and upset at H because of things he did long ago, and because of things he won't do now. It's all wrapped up into one big angry ball of emotion that is leaking out of me today and affecting my attitude in everything I do. I bet I even look angry today.
Had no contact with H last night when he got home (late) from the ski hill, or this morning other than I said "I'm headed out" while he was in the shower and he replied 'ok'. But then he called work this morning to talk to another lady here about some things (friends), but he wouldn't even transfer to me and say hi. Jerk. I know, I need to be Less Consumed. But I'm feeling pretty down.
So I check my home email, and found some encouragement for me. As a prelude to understand it, a very busy volunteer person died and that organization is not functioning well with his loss. The email to me says - "It's that volunteer thing. Allot of organizations are handicapped by the loss of a key volunteer. As our group would be without you. Thanks" So I had a little pickerupper.
And then Chris LeDoux sang to me from the radio - He said "Sit tall in the saddle, Hold your head up high Keep your eyes fixed where the trail meets the sky And live like you ain't afraid to die And don't be scared, just enjoy your ride"
I think I was so focused on getting thru the holidays, I did. Now I have to refocus on something positive, get out of the mood I've let take over me. And now this is on the radio, "Jesus Take The Wheel". Good idea.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW- For what it's worth, I think I'm seeing a glimmer of a pattern here. Not just for you and your sitch, but for many LBS's, myself included. I think you have seen many small babysteps forward with H. He is showing a little interest in being part of your life because he's starting to feel left out. (so KEEP UP going to events solo that you would normally take him with, no matter if you're lonely! You got me!!!! )
Anyway, the pattern I notice is that as LBS's start to see these positive signs and start to feel like the WAS isn't leaving as fast as they thought, the LBS starts to feel safe enough to feel that anger sneaking in. And it's not a conscious thing, it just kind of happens. You start to feel safe enough to admit your resentment, if just to yourself.
When I was leaving Alaska and H was CLEAR about there being no future between us. I felt very little anger towards him, considering. I felt like if he snapped out of it, I could forgive him on the spot and never look back. But, now that he has apparently snapped out of it, I'm facing the new obstacle of dealing with those feelings of anger that I didn't think were that strong in the past.
So, on the bright side, maybe these angry feelings (that you call a bad PMA) are just a natural progression of the path to rebuilding your marriage?
And please be kind to yourself and remember that it is only right to FEEL ANGRY! In fact, it is inevitable. And eventually it is only right that you be able to confront that anger with H. Perhaps not now. But, FEELING resentful and ACTING resentful are two different things. You control the second, but not the first.
Quote: Anyway, the pattern I notice is that as LBS's start to see these positive signs and start to feel like the WAS isn't leaving as fast as they thought, the LBS starts to feel safe enough to feel that anger sneaking in. And it's not a conscious thing, it just kind of happens. You start to feel safe enough to admit your resentment, if just to yourself.
This is definitely true for me. Thanks for pointing it out!
Well I'm glad to know what I'm feeling is normal, however I am also starting to be surprised with positives also. I guess what feeds the resentment is the fact that our S are slow to want to change on some issues. But I guess like anyone here I want things to change for the right immediately.
Well, here is my update. Opti, you are right about my anger and resentment. It is very real, and very large. I recognize that, and have been trying very hard to control it, and not let it show, not let it out, especially when H is around. I don’t feel safe at all in this deal, it’s after the holidays, and I still feel like I’m just waiting for this to bust open. And it probably did last night. My bad PMA continued into the evening. H and I had a big argument last night about the cows, I asked but he wouldn’t help me again, hasn’t helped at all with the bull, breeding, moving, giving shots. Now I’d already been working two hours on these cows and still not done, I’m full of mud and sh!t, I asked why he wouldn’t help, all he would keep saying was what he thought didn’t matter. I asked why the attitude, he denied it, I said quit acting like an ass, he said who? I said look in the mirror. Turns out he doesn’t like it that “I rushed in to save the day” and get this cow stuff done, when he was going to take care of it. So, just as I knew would happen, he is mad at me for getting this done and he is just bucky and won’t help. I told him we could do it together but I’m not doing it by myself anymore, and put my horse away. (She is so good! I am so proud of her! She is so good she almost turned out from under me while getting a cow to go the right direction. I would have really been full of BS!)
I had a meeting last night, and it turns out H says he had a different meeting. By this time I couldn't hold back my tears, I am so angry and hurt, but I tried. H was leaving first, asked about my meeting, said be careful in the fog, I said you too, he said see ya later, I just looked at him. I wasn't sure, I just wanted out of there. He walked out but came back in, and said if I wanted to try and explain to him again what I was saying, that he might be calmed down enough when he got home that I could try. I got home very late, he was home. H sat with his laptop, and I sat down but didn't say anything. After a few minutes he set his laptop aside, more silence. He checked his laptop again for awhile, then set it aside again, got more comfortable and closed his eyes. This wordless conversation all took about 30 minutes. I got up and said I was going to bed, and if he wanted to continue this conversation he was welcome to join me there. He said, what? I repeated, and went to bed. That was it. If he wanted to talk and called the meeting, then I figured he should do the talking. I wasn't going to get in the trap again of telling him my thoughts and then it just gets used against me and he won't say what he thinks. That's a cheeseless tunnel, quit doing what doesn't work.
Which is my life, my life with this man is not working. Nothing I do is right, he finds fault with everything I do, or don't do, and works very hard to set me up to fail. He has accomplished his goal again, this time. I don’t know for sure if it’s good or bad that we didn’t talk last night. It’s been the only time I remember that he’s said something like that, and maybe I blew it by not talking. But all I could think is that whatever I said would have been interpreted wrong. And I wasn’t going to start a conversation that he had asked for. He can be a man and step up first when he wants a conversation.
I will work hard on my anger and resentment and PMA. I won’t have cows to deal with anymore once I get them all turned back out where they belong tonight. That’s h’s deal now, and we’ll go broke with him running it his way. But I can’t help him, or I don’t know how to help when all he does is resent my help or my doing it. It will be hard for me to sit by and let this happen, and maybe I won’t be able too. I know it will drive me crazy, and so does H. I will work on my projects that have deadlines approaching. I will continue to work on what I can for myself and a better life.
There most likely won’t be many responses after this acknowledgement, I’m not 100% sure, but I’ve said before that I think H knows about this site, and follows along. After the specific words he used last night, I’m even more sure he does know. I’m just not very good at a secret life. So, this is for you Dear Husband. Where are you taking the items that are missing from the house? Why don’t you just be a man about it rather than sneaking around? Why don't you just leave rather than draining the life out of me? I knew this was coming after the holidays, and yes, you are trying to pick fights again. You are trying to justify your thoughts of how bad our marriage is. Just like how it was two years ago when you were so busy getting cozy with OW bitch. Always trying to pick a fight, and always blaming me for everything. Nothing I could was right. I know I am not perfect, I know I have made mistakes, I know that you have feelings of hurt and pain that I have caused you, I know some of that is very real, I have hurt you. I am sorry, I cannot change what you want to think about me, I cannot change what you want to do. But I do think it is time that you figure out the changes you want to make and act on them. And while you are making your decisions, and taking action, remember that I do still love you. But don’t use my love for you against me, take care of it wisely. I still have hope that somehow we can make a decision that we are strong enough to put our childish behaviors aside and get real about how we can forgive ourselves and each other, bury this marriage, and make a new marriage that is better and stronger to represent who we really are. It won’t be easy, it could very well be the hardest challenge we’ll ever face. But we’ve always turned challenges into opportunities, and here’s another opportunity. Tell me what you want to do. We can do it together, but I’m not doing it by myself anymore.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
(((WCW))) I have tears in my eyes. I hope your H realizes how much you love him and starts to tear down that wall around him. It is a shame to see two people who obviously love each other not be able to make that connection because they are holding things from the past against one another.
You are in my prayers.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Hey sweetie! Just checking on you. Hope you're feeling better! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I could do something to help.
If you get a chance and are interested, there's been a discussion going on on the infidelity board, hopefloats thread. You might have read it already, but there's good discussion on WAS anger. Also, hope is such a sweetheart and is reluctant to shake the boat much (reminds me a little of you). She's getting some good advice on that too.. on not wanting to play games and feeling funny about creating mystery and being vague. If you feel up to it, you might see something that'll help a little.
I wish the best things for you in the world WCW. I know you're at the end of your rope with this right now. Please know that we all care about you and good wishes are coming your way.
Thank you all. I'll check out hopefloats for some ideas. Or if anyone has ideas throw them at me. Hit me hard, sometimes I can be pretty dense.
Nothing much new for me. I was gone when H got home last night, and when I walked in the house was different than usual. Just the atmosphere, he was cooking something for himself to eat, tv on, talking on the phone. Then the house phone rang and I answered it, talked to a friend. I didn't remember to go to a different room though, didn't even think of it. One nice thing that H did was offer me a piece of fudge when he was in the candy jar. Had a two sentence conversation about the Rose Bowl game. That was the night. But I finally slept pretty good. Went to bed by midnight and didn't wake up except once until after 5am. That helps.
So, maybe this marriage isn't worth working on or fighting for anymore. Maybe H is just as deflated and confused as I am about what to do. But I won't give up just yet. I'm just stuck, and have run out of ideas and courage. And I'm pretty sure it shows.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
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