Hanging on/The Long Haul #6

[WCW]

Very true, Don. I certainly do things to try to avoid being solo. But is that necessarily bad? If I wanted to be solo I wouldn't have married this guy in the first place. I had my place, my horses, my dogs, a good job, finances were in great shape, I already had a good reputation in the horse community, and I had just left behind one of the worst periods in my life (thanks to help from counseling). I was set, I was happy, I was me. And this guy walked in and enhanced what I already had. He wanted me, he wanted what I had created for myself, he wanted to be here. H says the first time he asked me to marry him I said no, because I had reached a point in my life where I was finally happy with me. I don't remember that, turning him down, is that weird? He got the courage to ask me again, and I said yes.

H left his area and moved across the country, and in a few months 2 of 3 of his kids came to live with us. After a year, which their mom had requested for herself, the kids had a choice of moving back with her or staying with us. They split, one stayed here and one went back. Today, while listening to H call each of his kids and wish them happy new year, I realized that it has just been in the last 3 or 4 years he has built back a good relationship with all of them. When H and I were first married, he was very distant with the kids, called them I felt as an obligation but not because he wanted too. Was it guilt? from feeling like making them choose between their mom and their dad? They have all grown and moved on with their lives, and they don't talk about those bad times anymore. Now H calls them quite often. But over all these years, every time H hangs up the phone with them, he ends it with 'love ya'. I'm happy he finally has a good relationship with all the kids, and it makes me sad for myself to hear him end each phone call with them the same way I used to hear our call end.

I've talked about H's guilt before, and my thoughts that the more he knows how much I hurt and my pain it makes him feel guilty, he pulls away, he can't stand that part about himself, that he hurts someone else, and he wants to bury it and ignore it until those acute feelings are gone and he can start to come back. Am I seeing some of that in the last week? or is it the sentimental holidays. Because I am digging out of my funk and feelings and working harder on myself without letting him influence me, getting on with business at hand, dealing with decisions, and yes, getting out and on with my life (at least a little), that he has occassinal moments of feeling okay too. I've noticed some changes, maybe he's just slipping at keeping his exterior so waxed and unpenetratable.

Today, H came along with me. It was, of course, a last minute decision he made, and we were late for kick off. I really dislike that part about him. I asked if he was going, he didn't know, but then actually said that he would like too. I was surprised! But then, he didn't know if he would or should, because he has this cold. He decided to call the friends where we would go, and ask if they minded if he came, and they said fine. I was all ready to go already, carrying stuff out to the truck to take along, gonna start it to warm up, and I come back in and H is in the shower. Come on, geeze, what's this about?!! So I politely asked how long he'd be, he said he would be quick. (I bet even quicker if I'd of peeled off my clothes and jumped in with him! ) I really thought for a split 2nd about leaving without him, he always makes us late, but then figured being he said he wanted to come it wouldn't enhance our day if I left without him.

I also thought today how often it hurts me when I hear H talk to other people. Maybe I'm jealous. But today, one of the women had a new haircut, and he noticed and complimented her. That's fine and nice of him. But I had a new haircut a few weeks ago, not a word. I had a complete makeover featured in a local magazine last summer, not a word. I wonder if he does that stuff intentional, or if it really doesn't even cross his mind what he is doing to me. But I know that it really shakes my confidence to know that he notices so much detail about other people and other women and will be so nice to them, while I go ignored. I have to take back the control of how he makes me feel, I am working on it, little by little.

Backing up to the camera story - Saturday morning I was reading and playing with it, snapping some pics. H asked about shutter time and if it captured the moment. I joked with him, told him to get up and start walking back and forth so I could take a picture answer his question about capturing a specific second. He laughed and said not. Then I said hold up fingers so I could tell, and we joked about which finger first. So, we did have some laughter amongst us. And there has been a few other things and times that have been good this weekend. But there is always the opposite too, and I just have to shake my head and wonder and know there isn't much I can do, just let him deal with himself.

I think I am going to lose my sanity over cell phones. H is addicted to his, he can't turn it off, he can't leave it alone, he is obsessed. He got a call today just after we arrived, and had to go to a private area to take his call. It's all the time, he can't leave it alone. I want to just scream at him 'shut the *%%()^% thing off!!! and grab it from him and flush it down the toilet. So today, I got a little revenge. When H left the room I got my cell phone out and typed out a txt mssge, just so he saw me when he came back to sit down. Pretty out of character for me, he tried not to notice.

What I feel today is worse because we spent more time together, and I don't like he can make me feel. I figure I've got a couple of options. Don't spend time with him, or don't let him affect me so much. Or a combination of both. One more day off, and then back to work and 'routine'. Yuck.