Hanging on/The Long Haul #6

[WCW]

Well, I thought I didn't have time, but now I am waiting for H because he wants to come with me today.

H did not come with me last night. He got home about 5 minutes before I was ready to leave. I asked if he was going. He just said he wasn't planning on it, was I? I said yes. He showed interest and asked what the plans all were, and I told him what I knew. I suppose if there would have been more time I could have talked him into it, and he would have come. But, that's normal. So I said Happy New Year, and left. I had a few tears on my way there, but had a good time. No one asked questions, that was a relief. I got home about 2am, H was on the floor 'sleeping', didn't even leave the night light on for me. I put down my stuff, took off my coat, and went to bed. Got up a little later than normal but not too bad. When I walked into the room I went to the coffee pot, noticed H was watching me. I said good morning, and we were off to a pretty pathetic start to the year. I was feeling low. But, now he wants to come along today, hhmmm. We're headed out now. Maybe there is something to GAL and letting him pursue me. But I sure didn't like how it felt last night being solo.

Hope you had a good NYE, Becca. Check with you later.

[Becca1975]

Hmmmm. I bet he was wishing he HAD gone. Good that he wants to go with you today!I updated on mine. It went very well but a bit of disappointment when H ran for his life this morning.

[DonH]

"But I sure didn't like how it felt last night being solo."

Being an arm chair C, I'd say that a huge amount of what you continue to do is based in this statement. You dislike this feeling so much that putting up with just about anything else is better than having to be by yourself. Are you seeing a C? Have you thought about it? I think that addressing this issue might do wonders for all sorts of aspects of your life including your M. For, unless you get past this fear and this feeling, I'm not sure you'll ever be able to break out of the cycle that you are in. Plus, while it will help you to deal with your life no matter what the future holds, I so strongly believe that if you can get a handle on this huge road block that it will also help you to unlock the key to GAL and getting your M back.

There is nothing wrong with feeling bad about being alone. It's a very natural feeling - at least where you are right now. A C should not be there to stop you from feeling bad. Rather her/she can help you to do other things and more forward in other ways in spite of that feeling.

Hang in there and way to go on going on your own! It's a great step for you to have taken. Keep at it and take another.

[WCW]

Very true, Don. I certainly do things to try to avoid being solo. But is that necessarily bad? If I wanted to be solo I wouldn't have married this guy in the first place. I had my place, my horses, my dogs, a good job, finances were in great shape, I already had a good reputation in the horse community, and I had just left behind one of the worst periods in my life (thanks to help from counseling). I was set, I was happy, I was me. And this guy walked in and enhanced what I already had. He wanted me, he wanted what I had created for myself, he wanted to be here. H says the first time he asked me to marry him I said no, because I had reached a point in my life where I was finally happy with me. I don't remember that, turning him down, is that weird? He got the courage to ask me again, and I said yes.

H left his area and moved across the country, and in a few months 2 of 3 of his kids came to live with us. After a year, which their mom had requested for herself, the kids had a choice of moving back with her or staying with us. They split, one stayed here and one went back. Today, while listening to H call each of his kids and wish them happy new year, I realized that it has just been in the last 3 or 4 years he has built back a good relationship with all of them. When H and I were first married, he was very distant with the kids, called them I felt as an obligation but not because he wanted too. Was it guilt? from feeling like making them choose between their mom and their dad? They have all grown and moved on with their lives, and they don't talk about those bad times anymore. Now H calls them quite often. But over all these years, every time H hangs up the phone with them, he ends it with 'love ya'. I'm happy he finally has a good relationship with all the kids, and it makes me sad for myself to hear him end each phone call with them the same way I used to hear our call end.

I've talked about H's guilt before, and my thoughts that the more he knows how much I hurt and my pain it makes him feel guilty, he pulls away, he can't stand that part about himself, that he hurts someone else, and he wants to bury it and ignore it until those acute feelings are gone and he can start to come back. Am I seeing some of that in the last week? or is it the sentimental holidays. Because I am digging out of my funk and feelings and working harder on myself without letting him influence me, getting on with business at hand, dealing with decisions, and yes, getting out and on with my life (at least a little), that he has occassinal moments of feeling okay too. I've noticed some changes, maybe he's just slipping at keeping his exterior so waxed and unpenetratable.

Today, H came along with me. It was, of course, a last minute decision he made, and we were late for kick off. I really dislike that part about him. I asked if he was going, he didn't know, but then actually said that he would like too. I was surprised! But then, he didn't know if he would or should, because he has this cold. He decided to call the friends where we would go, and ask if they minded if he came, and they said fine. I was all ready to go already, carrying stuff out to the truck to take along, gonna start it to warm up, and I come back in and H is in the shower. Come on, geeze, what's this about?!! So I politely asked how long he'd be, he said he would be quick. (I bet even quicker if I'd of peeled off my clothes and jumped in with him! ) I really thought for a split 2nd about leaving without him, he always makes us late, but then figured being he said he wanted to come it wouldn't enhance our day if I left without him.

I also thought today how often it hurts me when I hear H talk to other people. Maybe I'm jealous. But today, one of the women had a new haircut, and he noticed and complimented her. That's fine and nice of him. But I had a new haircut a few weeks ago, not a word. I had a complete makeover featured in a local magazine last summer, not a word. I wonder if he does that stuff intentional, or if it really doesn't even cross his mind what he is doing to me. But I know that it really shakes my confidence to know that he notices so much detail about other people and other women and will be so nice to them, while I go ignored. I have to take back the control of how he makes me feel, I am working on it, little by little.

Backing up to the camera story - Saturday morning I was reading and playing with it, snapping some pics. H asked about shutter time and if it captured the moment. I joked with him, told him to get up and start walking back and forth so I could take a picture answer his question about capturing a specific second. He laughed and said not. Then I said hold up fingers so I could tell, and we joked about which finger first. So, we did have some laughter amongst us. And there has been a few other things and times that have been good this weekend. But there is always the opposite too, and I just have to shake my head and wonder and know there isn't much I can do, just let him deal with himself.

I think I am going to lose my sanity over cell phones. H is addicted to his, he can't turn it off, he can't leave it alone, he is obsessed. He got a call today just after we arrived, and had to go to a private area to take his call. It's all the time, he can't leave it alone. I want to just scream at him 'shut the *%%()^% thing off!!! and grab it from him and flush it down the toilet. So today, I got a little revenge. When H left the room I got my cell phone out and typed out a txt mssge, just so he saw me when he came back to sit down. Pretty out of character for me, he tried not to notice.

What I feel today is worse because we spent more time together, and I don't like he can make me feel. I figure I've got a couple of options. Don't spend time with him, or don't let him affect me so much. Or a combination of both. One more day off, and then back to work and 'routine'. Yuck.

[WCW]

I had a restless night, slept fitfully. Noticed that lights were off and on during the night from H, he must've had a restless night as well. He still slept after I was up.

I made stuff for breakfast that I don't usually make, got a thanks without more comment. Strained silence, and I finally found a topic that we could have a little conversation. H seemed about as relieved as I did. The morning went a little better then.

Pursuit? is this pursuit? I asked H if he would help me today give the cows some shots, it must be timely or not at all for breeding. It's raining and icky, and I told him that I at least wanted to get it done in the daylight. He didn't know, he might be home, might not, not sure, yadayada. With that answer, I figure I should just go figure out a way to do it without his help. But then I get angry about it, and wonder why I have to do it all myself when HE is the one that says how he wants these cows, and he wants a big herd. Am I just being used? and if I am, how would I change it? I can't just keep feeding all the cattle without some type of payback from them. The other question I asked was about taking a physical inventory, when should we plan it? His reply was, I thought I would work on that this week. I doubt he will, do I just drop it? but again, this is business, not personal. Is it still pursuit? and how would I change it?

I feel a little bit of triump. The plug in travel mug that I got H for Christmas is a hit. H mentioned this morning that he doesn't have to leave it plugged all day, it keeps his coffee real hot. What makes this so nice to me is that the mug he's been using for over a year came from ow. It's a pretty heavy duty mug, or I would have it broken by now. But at least now, he takes something everyday that I gave him, something in his truck that came from me. I like that. And the dvd's I gave him are opened, looks like he watched some movies on NYE while I was out. This is a big change from anything else I've given him in the last few years that gets pushed aside and never touched again.

Day two of the new year, he's not mentioned anything about leaving. Always in the back of my mind.

[Becca1975]

How ya feeling tonight WCW?

[WCW]

Tired, frustrated, sad, lonely, I want a hug. I feel like if I have to do this all on my own then I might as well not have the baggage that drags me under. Having said that, I am trying very hard to just get past tonight without making any stupid mistakes.

[Becca1975]

You are right. You shouldn't have to be doing it yourself. Maybe it is time for a talk with H. He wanted to be part of what you guys have, he needs to do his share.

((hugs))

[AKiwiWannabe]

(((WCW)))

[Phoenix_spark]

I'm not sure if I have this thread on my radar, so I'll do a small post and make it so. My thoughts are with you, hopefully this will be an exciting new year.