I missed the whole camera thing ... do you not want it? I do want a camera, but H didn't get the one I wanted. I usually don't ask or drop hints for presents, and this was a discussion we'd had thruout December, about digital cameras. So, I must not have reacted well. But honestly, while inside I wanted to jump up and down (and his bones) that he got me anything at all, on the outside I stayed very collected and interested, did I blow it? Last night he was sick and curled up under a blanket, so I didn't say much about his remark. I have to come up with something right by tonight. I'm leaning towards letting him know that I just wasn't sure how to react, or how he would take my reaction, and he took me wrong. Will it lead to an R talk? I pretty much doubt it, H won't go there, but I can let him know my feelings. - - - - - - - Going to try and reply to things I've jumped over.... Have you given serious thought to what it would take to keep your place without H? Could you downsize? Yes, I've given that much thought and things I would do. How I could keep the place, whether I would want to keep the place. It was mine before H moved here (almost paid for), I asked if he would ever resent that, he assured me it would be okay. But so much has grown and changed with him there, except the little house, that you'd hardly recognize it. I've lived there so long, I don't remember how to move. But memories of H being there with me would haunt me, so I can't say it would be where I would stay forever.
hum like you're in love. I did this morning. I have to get my hummer warmed up better!
The next time he's expected at a family gathering, maybe just go without him, or make it clear you'd like to be by yourself and enjoy your family without the tension of keeping up appearances. This is scary because he might just keep walking. But truly, do you want an H that will walk away just because you choose to start living again and stop being controlled by what his choice is going to be in your sitch? For one thing, there isn't a lot of tension. My family doesn't know, and H and I have been doing this for so long (don't holler about that) that it is natural to act like nothing is wrong when we're with people. Is he controlling me? yes, he is, in a lot of ways I don't like. But in many ways it's not as bad as some people? he doesn't flaunt it, he's home every night, he doesn't disappear on me other than regular working hours. Am I settling for this? Am I also controlling him? yes, I am. I am making him stay involved in the day to day decisions of OUR place, I am not letting him run away and dump it on me. Is that the right thing to do? I don't know. Every day is a new attitude. I've also read so many things on this BB of women that stayed steady and strong, the base of support, and are now in good places in their relationship. Maybe I missed the other parts of their stories, and if I did and they happen to see this please jump in and correct me. If H decides to come back to this marriage, I want him to know that I've never left it, and I am willing to move forward with him and make the changes we need to for a new marriage. If he decides to leave, I won't be a loving STBXW wishing him all the best. It won't be pretty.
so the one time you did start to leave things changed...and for the better But remember, he didn't know I was packed up to leave. He just knew I was going somewhere with my horse, not unusual. I never told him I was leaving. And I didn't get more than a few miles from home and I felt stupid for doing it. What I think made the change was showing him I had feelings, I needed a friend, and that was one of the very few times he showed a smidge of emotion back to me.
maybe H needs to see emotions? Not anger or blame, but need and hurt from you? That's what I'm feeling, the direction I feel I need to head. Need and want?, not hurt. I let him know hurt, and I think that made him feel guilty and led to where we are now. I don't have it all thought out, yet. Working on it. It would be a 180 to show need and want. I don't think that other than day to day stuff, I've shown emotions for about 2 months? nothing physical, hugs or touches, for over a month. And when we've been in this rut before, H attributes it all to me, he has never made a move back to me without me initiating.
you need a friend.. you need to be loved, held, understood. That you're lonely, scared and afraid of losing him? Asking him to work on it is a demand. Telling him you will if he wants is asking him to trust. I have to remember this, good words of advice.
but would you please quit calling yourself stupid! but I WAS that time, I deserved what I said! I was totally upset at me, myself, and I for getting stuck, and it is SO frustrating. But, on a positive note, H and I have both buried it in the mud or manure before, so the snow wasn't quite as messy.
it's so nice when you see things glimmering in the distance a very small glimmer, but a positive thought to hang on to going in to a new year, 2006. After all, I'm Hanging on for the Long Haul.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
