I'm here, busy at work and reading but no time to type a thought out reply. But a few 'thinks' running around my head - I just don't know how to up and leave. In fact, I tried that back at 4th of July weekend. I came home and freaked out, threw stuff together, loaded my horse, and was going 'somewhere' just as long as I was gone. We'd had a horrible May/June. Wouldn't ya know, I get not even a 1/4 mile from home and meet H on the road. I didn't stop, I just waived and kept going. I can't remember without looking back who txtd first, but one thing I told him was that I just really needed a friend to talk too, and he replied he felt the same way. Was that when we started getting better? When I admitted my weakness and reached out to him? Seems like it, 'cause then from July thru the first part of October I felt good about us and how we were doing. We weren't all okay, far from it, but closer to real than in a long long time. Since his October trip, and when I told him how much I was hurt by his actions, and laid guilt on him because of how I felt, it's been hell again. Almost worse than when I first found out about ow. I think when he feels guilty is when he pulls so far away, is he afraid of me? I think that somehow I need to find a way to tell H or let him know that I can't forget but I can forgive the past. That I would like him to give me the same courtesy, and let's move on. My 180 would be admitting that weakness, opening up my feelings to him. Is that a dumb idea? Before you answer that, I have had a feeling that since H looked at rental ads, his attitude has been just a bit softer, or maybe it's just the holidays. He at least replies to my calls or questions, such as last night when a pen of cows got loose and a rafter broke under the snowload, and I was feeling a bit overwhelmed after an hour of chasing cows and had more out than back in.
Which leads me to - H responded that he'd be home in about half an hour. Surprise!!! At the time he drove in, I'd been on my horse for two hours back and forth chasing and roping those critters and got upset enough to just drag them back in. I was so proud of my horse, she was awesome. Of course, so was I, but I am sore and physically wiped out. After that, we started to scrap snow of the roof of a leanto on a 200' long building. H did the hard work, but I got very cold and started stiffening up from chasing those cows. We talked some during all of that, just a few whatevers, and then I ended up getting the skidloader in the snow bank. I was SO mad at ME! dumbdumbdumb. A skidloader is a very heavy piece of equipment with a low center of gravity, and I got it high centered in the wet icy snow, and then all I could was spin bigger ruts (story of my life). Couldn't use the bucket to push or pull me out, ended up sliding sideways against the beams for the leanto support, &*^%%#( messed up. Went to get the tractor and chain, couldn't find the chain, so I came back with -------tada----- a shovel!!!! oh yeah, get a 10000 pound skidloader out with a shovel. Well, H got in started manuevering while I shoveled around, and finally!!!! got it out. Stupid me, I hate it when I'm SO STUPID!!!!
We got inside very late, very cold, very tired. I asked H if he wanted anything to eat, what I thought I heard him say was he didn't know yet, so I heated up some leftovers for me, then he went and got something for himself. Picked up my empty dish on the way, being nice or trying to see what I had on the computer?
That's it. Unedited due to lack of time and sore shoulders.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
OK, so the one time you did start to leave things changed...and for the better.
I know you still aren't seeing a way to leave. But somehow you saw it before. Think some more on how you could get out of there, on a temporary basis, without telling H it's temporary. You go ahead and call it abandonment, or whatever. But, you aren't making headway by being the immovable object at home.
hmmmm... maybe H needs to see emotions? Not anger or blame, but need and hurt from you? Just a thought. I know that my H isnt very emotional and I sometimes think our sitch doesnt bother him. It bothers him deeply, but he masks his emotions because he's afraid. You seem afraid to show those emotions for fear of pushing H away. What if you told him how you feel.. not in a blaming way, but in a vulnerable way? That you need a friend.. you need to be loved, held, understood. That you're lonely, scared and afraid of losing him? Asking him to work on it is a demand. Telling him you will if he wants is asking him to trust. If you've read my thread, you can see how my H is very good to run around here picking up, going to the store, making breakfast, etc.. but to me those things don't necessarily translate to him caring for me and needing me personally, they just show a willingness to work together on household things. Could your H be viewing your determination around there the same way - that keeping up with everything isn't for him? I know it is.. and you're helping me to see that the things my H does are for me and to show he cares.
Just some thoughts.. you know your H pretty well and how he'd respond to you telling him how you feel. I agree with Opti though. He responded to you leaving once.. he's left once and came back home. If he really really wanted to leave, he would. But if he stays, wouldnt it be nice to know he's staying for you and not for the business? You deserve that!!
Wcw, I'm thinking of you. Don't know what to advise about 180s or talking to H--but would you please quit calling yourself stupid! You are one amazing woman, and you don't deserve to be put down like that, not by anyone including yourself. Give yourself a break and be gentle with yourself.
Venting - mortgage payment due. I handled it wrong. I asked H if he would transfer money to the account today so I could make payment today or tomorrow, he asked if he could just give me a check. Yes, that would be fine. So he handed me a check for 1/3 of the mortage. I asked where I should get the rest of it from? He thought he could deposit some checks and come up with a little more....I didn't stay and ask, but where is his money? Sure, I should pay my fair share too, but FAIR isn't 2/3 to 1/3 when he is the guy that makes more money!
The leaving 180 - if I had 2 or 5 or 10 kids, would it still be suggested to disappear? just wondering if that makes any difference. Maybe not a fair comparison.
New H trick developing - sits in a different spot in the room so he can view the computer screen when I'm on at home. Guess I'll have to rearrange my desk. I've never cared for the set up much anyway.
Gave blood yesterday, tried to do a double donation on the special machine but my iron count wasn't high enough. It barely made the regular cutoff, which is normal for me. I take extra iron pills and eat iron rich food before a blood bank, and sometimes I still don't make it. Doctor has never mentioned anemia, I just have naturally low iron and need to supplement it. And it worked out (after much coordination) that my sis and I were there at the same time so we got to gab at the lunch table after donating. Which means I got home very much later than usual, thought it would create mystery, but H got home even later.
I have to mention this. Many of you comment on how hard I work. I don't know if that describes it right. I work long, but not always hard. Is there a difference? I feel like there is. I'm up early, work 8 or 9 hours in town, plenty of things to occupy my time at home in addition to all the usual things of regular household stuff, then there is the whole livestock and home business stuff. So there is never enough hours to manage to get everything done, and I work long, and I try to work smart. The last couple of nights have been hard work. My body is sore and tired, and then I wiped out coming across the icy parking lot at work, and am bruised and more sore. After another rotten nights sleep, I so wanted to stay in bed today. Mind and body are both tired. I think this will be a good day to take some more time off, and go home and be lazy and nap.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
In one of the books I am reading it talks about mood and how we perecieve things. This difference between you and H could be seen as an area of conflict and get you down because they seem to be at odds with one another. OR... the book says you can approach it as "wow, isnt this difference great. We really compliment each other and balance each other out!" I know it is a "duh" of sorts but it is interesting how often we (or at least me!) see differences in the M as problems instead of strenghts.
just a thought...
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
Thanks for a good reminder, Brava. Look for positives, we obviously don't think the same on everything. So, after my venting, mid morning H shows up at my work (rare, used to stop quite often) and hands me another check to add to the mortgage payment. I was certainly pleasantly surprised, and said thanks. We needed to walk out in the 'plant', which requires special head gear, H put his on backwards to look goofy, and we caught eyes and smiled with each other. Such a little thing felt so good. So how do I get us out of this rut?? WE both need to get out of our routine at home of avoiding each other and doing our own thing. We can't seem to be happy in our home environment, but it comes easier when we're unordinary. I don't know, maybe I need to be brave and muster up courage to do something totally out of character this weekend. Singing in the shower is a start.
So remember the hay pile that I can't let get to zero? 'cause something happens last minute and then it runs out? Well, that happened the other day when I had planned to move hay and ended up chasing cows instead. Pile was zero, and critters needed to be fed. H had to chase hay in the dark, 'cause I didn't get it done either. Ooops, we all survived.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
