Hanging on/The Long Haul #6

[WCW]

I'm here, busy at work and reading but no time to type a thought out reply. But a few 'thinks' running around my head - I just don't know how to up and leave. In fact, I tried that back at 4th of July weekend. I came home and freaked out, threw stuff together, loaded my horse, and was going 'somewhere' just as long as I was gone. We'd had a horrible May/June. Wouldn't ya know, I get not even a 1/4 mile from home and meet H on the road. I didn't stop, I just waived and kept going. I can't remember without looking back who txtd first, but one thing I told him was that I just really needed a friend to talk too, and he replied he felt the same way. Was that when we started getting better? When I admitted my weakness and reached out to him? Seems like it, 'cause then from July thru the first part of October I felt good about us and how we were doing. We weren't all okay, far from it, but closer to real than in a long long time. Since his October trip, and when I told him how much I was hurt by his actions, and laid guilt on him because of how I felt, it's been hell again. Almost worse than when I first found out about ow. I think when he feels guilty is when he pulls so far away, is he afraid of me? I think that somehow I need to find a way to tell H or let him know that I can't forget but I can forgive the past. That I would like him to give me the same courtesy, and let's move on. My 180 would be admitting that weakness, opening up my feelings to him. Is that a dumb idea? Before you answer that, I have had a feeling that since H looked at rental ads, his attitude has been just a bit softer, or maybe it's just the holidays. He at least replies to my calls or questions, such as last night when a pen of cows got loose and a rafter broke under the snowload, and I was feeling a bit overwhelmed after an hour of chasing cows and had more out than back in.

Which leads me to - H responded that he'd be home in about half an hour. Surprise!!! At the time he drove in, I'd been on my horse for two hours back and forth chasing and roping those critters and got upset enough to just drag them back in. I was so proud of my horse, she was awesome. Of course, so was I, but I am sore and physically wiped out. After that, we started to scrap snow of the roof of a leanto on a 200' long building. H did the hard work, but I got very cold and started stiffening up from chasing those cows. We talked some during all of that, just a few whatevers, and then I ended up getting the skidloader in the snow bank. I was SO mad at ME! dumbdumbdumb. A skidloader is a very heavy piece of equipment with a low center of gravity, and I got it high centered in the wet icy snow, and then all I could was spin bigger ruts (story of my life). Couldn't use the bucket to push or pull me out, ended up sliding sideways against the beams for the leanto support, &*^%%#( messed up. Went to get the tractor and chain, couldn't find the chain, so I came back with -------tada----- a shovel!!!! oh yeah, get a 10000 pound skidloader out with a shovel. Well, H got in started manuevering while I shoveled around, and finally!!!! got it out. Stupid me, I hate it when I'm SO STUPID!!!!

We got inside very late, very cold, very tired. I asked H if he wanted anything to eat, what I thought I heard him say was he didn't know yet, so I heated up some leftovers for me, then he went and got something for himself. Picked up my empty dish on the way, being nice or trying to see what I had on the computer?

That's it. Unedited due to lack of time and sore shoulders.