Hi lady! Thanks for the visit to my thread! Just want to let you know that I'm reading too. When I was up in the wee hours I went to look at the very beginning of your threads. On one post you said your H mentioned you two just being business partners and you told him that if you were partners you wanted the whole package. Is that correct? I'm worried that he's getting just what he wanted. How much do you know about OW? Is she a woman that would pressure him to be with her full time or do you think she might be happy with a handyman that she doesnt have to pay attention to and take care of every day? I have a couple of divorced women friends who like to have a man there when they want him, but wouldnt think about making it permanent or living with a man. They love their freedom and their *cake*. Could she be that way? She's free of her first hubby and is content with a part time guy? I just wonder how comfortable this arrangement is for them.
Just some thoughts. Don't know if any of that's helpful at all. Have you looked at Love Must Be Tough lately? You know how I am.. I'd have given up patience and issued an ultimatum long ago, but that's not the answer in so many cases. I just wish so much for your happiness.. you're a wonderful wonderful woman WCW. You H makes me so mad being the way he is! I just want to tell him to sh*t or get off the pot because he takes so much and is selfish about giving you anything.. even freedom if that's what he wants.
Howdy Sheila! yup, H did say that, be business partners. And yes, he pretty much has manipulated this so called marriage to be just that, and I did tell him that earlier this year. He seemed offended that I knew that, got very defensive that I told him he manipulated that marriage to take just the parts he wanted, and why is that okay. But that's how he is, the more wrong he is the angrier he is if I say something. Also, that is what OW did with her XH, they are still business partners and work together everyday. It's just their personal lives that are separated now. So does she want a full time man? interesting idea. I don't know!?
I read Love Must Be Tough in November, haven't made time to reread it. Haven't made time read much at all lately. Sometimes I feel like I read the wrong stuff and then it affects me in a negative way.
------------- The Bull Story continues..... It was almost 12am when H got home last night, 3 hours after the hill closes, it's a 45 minute drive. Seems like he tried to 'sneak' in, dumped all his stuff on the floor instead of putting it away. Maybe he didn't want to wake me, but I was anyway. He didn't say goodnight or anything.
I was up earlier than usual to get to work early, day after holidays are usually busier plus still short staffed. Seems like almost whatever time I get up and take a shower, H follows my lead. 5am or 6am, doesn't matter, as soon as I'm out of the bathroom he moves in. Any significance? not sure. I told him the bull was being delivered this afternoon, he replied in his challenging tone of voice, 'oh yeah?' I went on and asked if he thought we should synchronize the herd, he said whatever you think. I suppose I should have said fine! and walked away. But I asked again what HE thought, and said I hoped he would take over that part from here. He seemed to debristle, and talked sensibly. Then I changed the subject to skiing, asked how it was, how busy, etc.. He said it was very busy and the had some pretty bad wrecks. Maybe that's why he was late getting home.
Icy drizzle today, I had to wait for windshield to de-ice, so H was out of shower before I left. I asked his opinion about a grant form I am filling out for a non profit group, he was nice about his answers.
Other than the reaction about the bull, which I expected, he seems to be not quite so angry as he was last week. Not quite as much tension. Why the change? did he check out apartments and find out things he didn't like? was that a reality check? Maybe it worked to my advantage, he'll at least try and be sociable again. I'm not ready to issue any ultimatums, I have too many things to get lined up before going that direction, plus - that isn't the direction I want to go. If it happens, I'll deal with it. But for now I'm still 'buying' more time, and admittedly, there is still a fear issue of life without him.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
"If it happens, I'll deal with it. But for now I'm still 'buying' more time, and admittedly, there is still a fear issue of life without him. "
And the problem is - he knows it. I'm not going to push you, just a quick little nudge. H knows this about you. He can see it, sense it, smell it. The thing is, you might be amazed at how worried he would become if you did a 180. I think you'd see more change in him in a couple of days than you have seen in a year. Sure, it's real easy for me to say sitting here and typing and way harder to do. But keep in mind, you know what will not work - and what won't work is what you've already tried. It's time to try something else - whatever that is, and keep trying something else until you find what works.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Don, WCW and I had a conversation once where I recommended that she "disappear" for a few days without telling him and thus force him to show concern for her. SHe felt that it would be a lowdown type of thing to do, to just not tell him she was going. Maybe she is right. I think he needs something to shock him out of whatever stupor he seems to be in! WCW, he knows you will always be there. I'm in NO position to give advice right now but what I come up wtih for you when I think of a 180 is to make him second guess that somehow.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Hey DonH, I'm game for it. Any 180 suggestions? I'm 'taking more charge' of issues that need to be dealt with rather than waiting for H to handle whatever, at the same time trying not 'fix' everything he drops the ball on or won't deal with. It's a tricky line. That's not really a 180, he knows I won't let things go ignored forever if it will jeopardize finances, etc. So, throw some 180's at me. I'll try and be brave.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Becca, it seems like disappearing without warning is, I don't know, abandonment? I know I don't have kids, but animals, dogs, horses, I suppose as long as they got fed they wouldn't notice I was gone. But how would I feel just disappearing? miserable. There has been nights when I've been gone until 10pm or almost midnight at meetings, or at an activity, that H was not aware of. No contact from him. But I was thinking about your suggestion while I was out running some errands, and I got to thinking that the times I have been gone with family or friends and H knew that, he did make contact with me, although not as much as I would have liked. But when he was gone to his family, he was a real butt and contact or conversation with me was avoided by him as much as possible. Is that the image thing again? trying to look good to the right people? Also, I think that if I disappeared without warning H would use that as ammunition to do the same thing.
I did two errands over lunch - post office and library. One block apart. Dropped a letter off at the post office and started driving, and I couldn't remember where the post office was. When I remembered I was going the wrong direction, had to turn around, bo back.........I've lived in this town basically my entire life. Brain fart? CRS moment? too consumed? geez, this is nuts, I am nuts.
But on a funny note - Christmas Eve we were sitting around telling stories, started on jokes. My family is easily entertained, and most of them had a few hot toddies, I started with the fraid knot joke and everyone was laughing, and followed it with the interupting cow joke. Talk about silly, but everyone laughed pretty hard. The simple things in life, enjoy them.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Did I tell you the Piglet joke? (no offense to Sheila)
Why doesn't Piglet have any friends?
Because he plays with Pooh.
Now THAT is the dumbest joke of all time but it cracks me up.
Maybe disappearing isn't right for you. Maybe H knows you have obligations that YOU won't walk out on and that you will always be there. What else could you do to shake him up?
This is going to sound really bad but I've often fantasized about being in an accident or getting sick or something (minor) and H being shaken up enough to realize what he is losing. I suppose that is why some people make suicide threats though and that is not my style.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
hmmmm.. ideas for 180s that don't involve an ultimatum.
Your H is a proud man. He doesn't like it when you take over and do things that he's said he'll do. How about if you start leaning on someone else besides him for advice? That might make him angry. But anger is not an enemy necessarily. It's just an emotion. What if when you were riding along the other day you started asking advice on every day things, business etc from your H's friend? Things you would normally as your H.
I guess what I'm saying is - maybe give him a little taste of taking him out of control and authority there. Start making all your own decisions. Dont wait for him to do chores or worry if he'll be mad and distance if you take care of something, just do it. And yeah, he'll be ticked probably, but maybe it'll motivate him to get involved there. Or to envision losing you and what you've grown together. Allow him to see you moving on without him. How about that business deal with your sister? Something for you that he can't have a part in?
How about lock the door tomorrow morning and take a long shower.. crank up the tunes.. hum like you're in love. Always walk out of earshot when you're on the phone and create some mystery. Stay all night at a friends..just one night and don't tell him.. come rolling in at 6AM looking happy as a clam. (I've done this and my H who didnt live with me was waiting for me when I got home the next morning!) The next time he's expected at a family gathering, maybe just go without him, or make it clear you'd like to be by yourself and enjoy your family without the tension of keeping up appearances. This is scary because he might just keep walking. But truly, do you want an H that will walk away just because you choose to start living again and stop being controlled by what his choice is going to be in your sitch?
You are such a sweetheart. Something like this might not be who you are. I keep thinking about Love Must Be Tough though and what Dr. Dobson says about it being impossible to love someone that you don't respect. Your H is controlling you right now by not working on the R, not making a decison, not sharing his vision of the future with you. You walk on eggshells and accomodate him no matter what he does or doesn't do. You are demonstrating a tremendous amount of unconditional love, but is that the right way to go? Dr. Dobson also talks about how people want boundaries and limits. It's like children. If your child was determined to destroy their life with drugs, would you accomodate that or would you say "hey, I'm not going to support this.. it's wrong!" A child learns to respect a parent that sets a firm and loving boundary. Husbands respect wives that do the same. I don't thing that means nagging or griping, but firmly asking that the other person keep up their end of the deal. Is he keeping up his portion of the business responsibilities? Even as a business partner you have a right to expect that and if he doesn't then he's wrong to be angry at you for asking that of him.
As usual, 10 cents and maybe you can find a penny in there that'll spark an idea.
Hang in there lady.. whatever happens you definately should be proud of how you love your H and are trying.
WCW- In your posts it seems like you might be getting to a point where you're ready to pull a 180 or two. I respect you so much for sticking by your principles and not wanting to stoop to H's level. But, I have to agree with DonH and Piglet and everybody that it IS time for some 180s.
Not being there, is certainly an easy 180' to pick out. I know that you have responsiblities at your place that you can't walk away from, but think hard about a way you could disappear for a little while (and yes, I use "disappear" shamelessly because I see absolutely no dishonor in it from where you're coming from right now). Is there a place you could spend the nights nearby? Your parents, your sisters, a friends? Then commute to do your chores?
Have you given serious thought to what it would take to keep your place without H? Could you downsize? What about that idea with your sister?
I don't think you should give him an ultimatum either. Not in words. Don't say "do this or I'll do that." Maybe there's a way you can just move on without him and really make him see that you are prepared to do without him.
THAT would really be a 180. Be COMPLETELY prepared to move on without him. Now I understand that you can not be completely emotionally prepared to move on without someone when you are in love with them. But, in every other way, make your plans to move on toward your dreams WITH OUT him.
I hate how harsh that sounds. But you seem better than anyone on these boards at taking people's input head on.
DonH is right. What you have done (or not done) to avoid pushing H away has not worked. So do what is DIFFERENT. It is so obvious that your H expects you to stay no matter what he does. So make it obvious by your actions that you will not be around no matter what.
And Sheila is right here also...if you let him know, through your actions, that you are capable of moving on without him, and he DOES use it as an excuse to flee...do you really want what he has turned into?
I'm only comfortable talking with you like this because I know from previous posts that you are able to weed out what is right for you and what isn't. And I trust you'll do that with this post too.
