Hanging on/The Long Haul #6

[WCW]

Hi DonH, I'll gladly take your 2cents! I think you've got this pegged pretty good and described H well. H normally deals with alot of unpleasant by not dealing with it. I've known that for many years. In some ways that might be good in this case, if for no other reason than it's bought me time. But, have I used it wisely? obviously not, or we wouldn't be in this spot. We'd be done or piecing or a success story, but not still in such a limbo land. I've said before that late summer and early fall I felt like we were making great progress, I thought we were on track to piecing it all back together. I've racked my brain trying to figure out how that got rolling, and then how it got off track.

Buried in denial, yes he is. He will not admit any wrongdoing, whether it be the affair, or what his EA with ow did to me or how I felt. Denial that it still goes on at whatever level. I do hope that she screws up by putting too much pressure on him and wanting too much. I don't know what to do other than try and move past it. OW name came up the other day when we were with friend, he brought up conversation about her again, I didn't say anything this time and H was quiet and then changed the subject. Today when I explained to H about my 'sudden interest' in skiing again and I made reference to the next years being different was the closest I've come to bringing it up for awhile. He will deny anything anyway, it does me no good to mention it.

For me, the biggest obstacle to overcome is fear. Not that I'll be physically beat. But fear of more rejection, fear of emotional stomping, fear of ridicule of my decisions. I have to stop being afraid of the responses that H will dish out. Tomorrow morning will be a big test. I have to tell H about the bull. Tonight I finalized a bull being delivered, and called about synchronizing the herd to get the cows bred as timely as we can. I butted into H's business, he's said since July he was taking care of it. I backed off and wasn't going to do it for him, wasn't going to be the fixer. But you know what? I couldn't wait anymore this time. So I made my first call on Friday, it was a holiday weekend, and on Tuesday a bull is being delivered. H has had 5 or 6 months and couldn't do this? yet, he will not be happy or say thanks that I did this, and at some point he will throw it in my face and somehow it will be negative that I did this. And when I ask him to help with the cows or moving them around, he will be mad and tell me to do it myself as I don't need his help anyway or I'll just butt in and take over. I hope I'm wrong on this one, but history has a pattern. I sure hope he proves me wrong, and I'll eat crow. But fear of what's going to happen emotionally makes me cringe, I would just as soon avoid it, and have let that taken over too many times, instead of 'just do it'.

Harsh? give it to me straight. Am I happy with the way things are? absolutely not. Is my life going by day by day? yes, it is. But no matter what I do, life will go by day by day. I've got 13 years invested in this man. Not all great years. But I need more days to put any plan in place, with or without him here. If he stays, then how many more days is worth that investment? If he goes, then I need more days to get a plan in place to take care of me and the place when he's gone. Like I said, very little at a time. I sure don't intend to spend the rest of my days in such a mess, and maybe H will come home and say he's done and I don't have to try anymore. Prepare for the worst, expect the best? did someone say that?

What I still don't know is if he really wants to go, or just wants to make me think that way so he can control the whole deal. Does he want me to push him, and he can claim I kicked him out and go for sympathy from everyone? Remember, last week I moved some of my stuff into his vacant closet space. That must not have set well with him, and he left rental ads where I could see them. He grabbed a few more things, but still has not taken everything from the bedroom. Still has some shirts, socks, underwear. If he's so mad and has been taking stuff out of the bedroom since May, why doesn't he take the rest of it? Just get it over. Does he want to fix this too? is he as hurt and confused as I am and we can't discuss it? does he think it's easier to run than to fix it? I told him once that he should stay and fix what's wrong instead of running away from it, what makes him think the next time will be any easier? did he hear me? maybe, just maybe. And if this is a race to outlast each other, I will win. I've got nowhere better to go yet, I think time is on my side.