Hanging on/The Long Haul #6

[WCW]

I agree, they probably don't deserve us. Is that vain again? I've thought many times I am hanging on to this man that has hurt me so much because I am afraid of the future without him. But you know what? I'm afraid of the present with him just as much. This is not good, this is not the way I want to live my life, this is not how I want to love a man, and this is not how I want to be loved. So, very little by very little, I am moving on with life. I have to learn to make a decision and not be afraid or concerned that H will be upset about it. If he doesn't like how I do it, then he should have got it done himself.
First, the things that have to be addressed now, because I have been waiting for so long already, decisions about day to day life.
Second, reconnecting with people that I have let slip away because I have been consumed by my marriage or lack of.
Third, working on things that will make me happy, not being the fixer of things so that H will be happy. I can't make him happy, I can only hope that if I find it for me then it will be contagious enough that he will catch it too.

I have to say again that H is a very smart man, he can see things so different than other people that it can be maddening, it's always a new perspective. While driving in to my folks the other day we were figuring out who was driving what vehicle in the yard, and spoke of my nephew who wants to get a truck like mine. I commented that he was looking for something that wouldn't cost too much, H said the guy was just payment shopping. I'm not sure I totally understand that comment, but said sometimes that is what you have to do. I used my truck as an example. The last truck was a low payment, low length of loan, low interest. That truck got totalled in our wreck last May, and the new truck that H set up all the financing and signed the papers and then turned over the payments to me, it has longer length of loan, higher interest, and higher payments, it costs me more money. I've never said that to H before because he felt so bad about wrecking the last one, even though I feel as he does, that because he was an aware driver the wreck wasn't even worse and we are still alive. But it costs me more money every month than what I used to pay. I don't think he ever thought about that. The next day, maybe this morning, there was a commercial on tv about low interest on trucks. H made a comment about maybe refinancing my truck if there was a good interest deal. So he does listen to what I had to say.

And while I come here and vent about all the bad things H does or doesn't do, there is so much of a good man inside of him. I still want that guy back if he'll decide to come.