Hanging on/The Long Haul #6

[amd]

WCW, you survived and you did it well. You worked some 180s in there with the socks and the potato recipe and going along with the friend. H wanted to surprise you with the camera, and he tried to see you naked. You've also come to a resolution about dealing with pressing issues, which is positve. You did good, girl! Keep doing stuff for yourself. Buy those ski boots and get back out on the slopes. Love your dogs and other animals.

[WCW]

Thanks, amd. You pointed out things in a positive way, more than I saw.

Got a few more things lined up to proceed with day to day business around here, land renter and a bull for breeding the cows. I've left that to H this year, being he was pretty upset that I handled it last year when he couldn't, but it's way past time to get these cows bred and it's costing money to leave them open. I've been working real hard at not being the fixer of these problems, but I can't continue to just let it slide when it's wasting money like this. Now there are a few other things that I've not worked on fixing yet, like the list of horses we came up with that are for sale. If H wants to sell them bad enough, then he will have to step up and help me get them in sale condition. I won't do it all myself, he can jump in and help. I haven't fixed the leaky water pipe, he can fix it or find someone to fix it. We did talk about a house repair or two, but no final decision, just talk.

Today I had to go back to the ski shop and get my bindings reset for the new boots. I called H to ask about trading his boots for a bigger size, as he said the other night his were tight. Got voicemail (surprise), and said I wasn't leaving right away but if he could let me know soon it would be nice. He did call back, said don't trade but thanks for thinking about it. I asked then about riding along tonight for skiing, he was silent, and then said he didn't understand the sudden interest in skiing. I said it wasn't a sudden interest, I went with him most of the time for skiing until I had surgery and couldn't ski. And the next years things were just different and I didn't go. I would like to ski again, but if he didn't want me to ride along then just say so. He said whatever. I said okay, see ya later. So I was planning to go along tonight, more to carpool than to ski with H, but that plan fell apart during chores tonight when nothing went quite right. Besides, this is the last night in history of ABC Monday Night Football. How could I miss that?

Dogs - now THAT is unconditional love. I can learn from my dog.

Continuing with working on GAL, connecting with friends to do things or get together. One of them is a ski day.

[Becca1975]

I hate to be a downer but the first thing I thought of when he got silent about you going with is that he might be seeing someone else. If i were you, next time I intended to go, I'd get my things ready and as he got in the truck, I'd just hop in. Doesn't give him a chance to cancel with anyone else. I may be wrong but it seems odd that he wouldn't want you to go at all.

(((WCW))) There are positives there.....just hard to see them right now. In a situation like this, I'd be tempted to see if I could get him to break first, like being gone for several days and making him have to call you to see if everything is ok, but I know you and I talked about that before and you didn't think it would be ok to do that. Don't take anything I say to heart right now, I'm expressing what I feel about your sitch, not giving good advice. Personally< i think all the WAS's should be locked in a room with DB on tape played over and over again until they are all reduced to sobbing idiots.

[WCW]

You mean someone besides the OW I already know about? Maybe, but again, the whole ski patrol group at the hill would know too, and we do occassionally get together, and those guys don't keep their mouths shut for anyone. And, I do know from past cell phone bills that when he quit calling me on his drive home it was because he started calling ow then instead. Does she ski? does she go to the hill? do they meet on the slopes and have few moments when the hill closes? is that why he gets home an hour or more late from skiing? I don't know those answers, if I really wanted to know I'd just drive over myself and ski and keep my eyes open. While it drives me nuts what he does and all his secrets, I can't let it consume me and run my life. Personally, I think their affair has lost some of it's steam for H, but there is still a strong attraction between them, which is how it all started in the first place. She still has a good grasp on him, but I'm not so sure he thinks it will be so much fun at her place, SSDD (Same Sh*t Different Day). She wants him to come and help, to offer advice, to assist her. Heck, isn't that what he's trying to escape from? Responsibility and committment? go live in an apartment? Now another day I'll probably have a different answer. I am not always in control of my rational thoughts.

Locking them up would be a good idea, but where would we find a room large enough?

[Becca1975]

Good points. In that case, he likely is not seeing someone else. I'm not entirely sure with is wrong with these WAS's of ours. Most of the time these days I'm thinking that they do not deserve the gift that we give them. The gift of truly trying to change and unconditional love and all of the waiting around.

[WCW]

I agree, they probably don't deserve us. Is that vain again? I've thought many times I am hanging on to this man that has hurt me so much because I am afraid of the future without him. But you know what? I'm afraid of the present with him just as much. This is not good, this is not the way I want to live my life, this is not how I want to love a man, and this is not how I want to be loved. So, very little by very little, I am moving on with life. I have to learn to make a decision and not be afraid or concerned that H will be upset about it. If he doesn't like how I do it, then he should have got it done himself.
First, the things that have to be addressed now, because I have been waiting for so long already, decisions about day to day life.
Second, reconnecting with people that I have let slip away because I have been consumed by my marriage or lack of.
Third, working on things that will make me happy, not being the fixer of things so that H will be happy. I can't make him happy, I can only hope that if I find it for me then it will be contagious enough that he will catch it too.

I have to say again that H is a very smart man, he can see things so different than other people that it can be maddening, it's always a new perspective. While driving in to my folks the other day we were figuring out who was driving what vehicle in the yard, and spoke of my nephew who wants to get a truck like mine. I commented that he was looking for something that wouldn't cost too much, H said the guy was just payment shopping. I'm not sure I totally understand that comment, but said sometimes that is what you have to do. I used my truck as an example. The last truck was a low payment, low length of loan, low interest. That truck got totalled in our wreck last May, and the new truck that H set up all the financing and signed the papers and then turned over the payments to me, it has longer length of loan, higher interest, and higher payments, it costs me more money. I've never said that to H before because he felt so bad about wrecking the last one, even though I feel as he does, that because he was an aware driver the wreck wasn't even worse and we are still alive. But it costs me more money every month than what I used to pay. I don't think he ever thought about that. The next day, maybe this morning, there was a commercial on tv about low interest on trucks. H made a comment about maybe refinancing my truck if there was a good interest deal. So he does listen to what I had to say.

And while I come here and vent about all the bad things H does or doesn't do, there is so much of a good man inside of him. I still want that guy back if he'll decide to come.

[Becca1975]

I hear you.I want my old H back too. The question is if it will ever be the same. I just don't see how it is possible. I get to thinking like this and I feel like it would be so much easier to start over fresh. For some reason that isn't what I really want though.

[WCW]

Remember, it shouldn't be the same. The same is just more problems. How about a fresh start with the same/new guy and girl?

[DonH]

WCW I'm glad to see this latest post of yours. I was actually thinking about your sitch and the latest posts and had decided it was time to stick in my two cents for what it was worth. Then I see some of what I was about to say being said by yourself. Clearly you don't need to be told these things but just have it reinforced for you.

I was really struck by your comment that last year you felt that it would be your last Christmas together and that again this year you thought the same thing. I think that is one of many examples that things really have not changed for you in a year. Why is that? I have been re-reading both DR and DB and catching so many more things all over again. One that really struck me is that MWD talks about trying something and if it doesn't work, try something else. Her time frame is a couple of weeks. Let's say we even give it double that. I just wonder, myself included, if we don't wait way too long trying the same cheeseless tunnel. I don't want to get harsh with you but I do have to wonder if you and H are not trying to outlast each other. The sitch basically sits the same for a year. That's a long time - 365 days the last I checked. He doesn't do anything different, poss. waiting for you to make the move for him. You don't do anyting different somewhat doing the same thing day in and day out waiting for him to make some sort of move. The two of you could do this for another five years - perhaps more!

Then I see your post about very little by very little moving on with your life. I really think that if anything is going to change, it will be because of you. H is not going to change it. He is hunckered down in denial land. He is going to continue to deal with it by not dealing with it.

Two concepts that I'm really starting to embrace on these boards are that, one, things change when the LBS really and truly moves on and the WAS thinks they are going to be left behind and, two, when there is an OP involved, it seems like no matter what the LBS does, it does not matter. Until the OP is out of the picture, the WAS simply will not take notice or make any movement back to the M. The thing with your stich is, I don't put his OW in the same category as when there is a full blown R going on. By that I mean them living together, sleeping together, doing all sorts of things together. Your H seems to use the OW as a backup or standby. If she told him, look make a decision, either we do this thing full out or I'm done, I think he'd run.

Yes, I'm getting a bit up on you here, but at this time frame I think it needs to be done. We have a new year about to start and a great time for you to really commit to DBing and getting this done or moving on - perhaps both. Unless you are happy with the way things are, and I don't see that as being the case, you are watching your life go by day by day by day with the next day going just like the last. It's all the same. It truely is same Sht different day. You have the power and the ablity to break the cycle.

Just give it some thought. Please don't just jump in. I'm only one person with one suggestion. I don't want to be harsh on you, I just want to give you a bit of a kick in the butt. Something tells me it just is time. But, still, give it some thought just the same. And let's see what others have to say as well. Perhaps I'm fill of sht and don't know what I'm talking about. Perhaps they will agree and together will help you to get the job done. One way or another my goal for you is to not be able to say one year from now, "Maybe this will be our last Christmas together" Before you know it, you'll have gone through far too many Christmas seasons - none of which you can ever get back.

[WCW]

Hi DonH, I'll gladly take your 2cents! I think you've got this pegged pretty good and described H well. H normally deals with alot of unpleasant by not dealing with it. I've known that for many years. In some ways that might be good in this case, if for no other reason than it's bought me time. But, have I used it wisely? obviously not, or we wouldn't be in this spot. We'd be done or piecing or a success story, but not still in such a limbo land. I've said before that late summer and early fall I felt like we were making great progress, I thought we were on track to piecing it all back together. I've racked my brain trying to figure out how that got rolling, and then how it got off track.

Buried in denial, yes he is. He will not admit any wrongdoing, whether it be the affair, or what his EA with ow did to me or how I felt. Denial that it still goes on at whatever level. I do hope that she screws up by putting too much pressure on him and wanting too much. I don't know what to do other than try and move past it. OW name came up the other day when we were with friend, he brought up conversation about her again, I didn't say anything this time and H was quiet and then changed the subject. Today when I explained to H about my 'sudden interest' in skiing again and I made reference to the next years being different was the closest I've come to bringing it up for awhile. He will deny anything anyway, it does me no good to mention it.

For me, the biggest obstacle to overcome is fear. Not that I'll be physically beat. But fear of more rejection, fear of emotional stomping, fear of ridicule of my decisions. I have to stop being afraid of the responses that H will dish out. Tomorrow morning will be a big test. I have to tell H about the bull. Tonight I finalized a bull being delivered, and called about synchronizing the herd to get the cows bred as timely as we can. I butted into H's business, he's said since July he was taking care of it. I backed off and wasn't going to do it for him, wasn't going to be the fixer. But you know what? I couldn't wait anymore this time. So I made my first call on Friday, it was a holiday weekend, and on Tuesday a bull is being delivered. H has had 5 or 6 months and couldn't do this? yet, he will not be happy or say thanks that I did this, and at some point he will throw it in my face and somehow it will be negative that I did this. And when I ask him to help with the cows or moving them around, he will be mad and tell me to do it myself as I don't need his help anyway or I'll just butt in and take over. I hope I'm wrong on this one, but history has a pattern. I sure hope he proves me wrong, and I'll eat crow. But fear of what's going to happen emotionally makes me cringe, I would just as soon avoid it, and have let that taken over too many times, instead of 'just do it'.

Harsh? give it to me straight. Am I happy with the way things are? absolutely not. Is my life going by day by day? yes, it is. But no matter what I do, life will go by day by day. I've got 13 years invested in this man. Not all great years. But I need more days to put any plan in place, with or without him here. If he stays, then how many more days is worth that investment? If he goes, then I need more days to get a plan in place to take care of me and the place when he's gone. Like I said, very little at a time. I sure don't intend to spend the rest of my days in such a mess, and maybe H will come home and say he's done and I don't have to try anymore. Prepare for the worst, expect the best? did someone say that?

What I still don't know is if he really wants to go, or just wants to make me think that way so he can control the whole deal. Does he want me to push him, and he can claim I kicked him out and go for sympathy from everyone? Remember, last week I moved some of my stuff into his vacant closet space. That must not have set well with him, and he left rental ads where I could see them. He grabbed a few more things, but still has not taken everything from the bedroom. Still has some shirts, socks, underwear. If he's so mad and has been taking stuff out of the bedroom since May, why doesn't he take the rest of it? Just get it over. Does he want to fix this too? is he as hurt and confused as I am and we can't discuss it? does he think it's easier to run than to fix it? I told him once that he should stay and fix what's wrong instead of running away from it, what makes him think the next time will be any easier? did he hear me? maybe, just maybe. And if this is a race to outlast each other, I will win. I've got nowhere better to go yet, I think time is on my side.