Hanging on/The Long Haul #6

[WCW]

Thanks Opti and Sara, thanks for the nice words. I spent time acting happy and I spent time fighting back the tears and sobs. A year ago I was sure it was our last Christmas together. A year later, the same thoughts.

The Biggest Act as If

I have decided that I am still not giving H an easy out, I am not bringing up the classified ads, I am not asking about him moving out, I am not making it easy for him to approach the subject. And if he does follow thru, somehow I will find a way to do this without him. I am continuing to talk about the things that come up that we have to decide on for the future, will try to do so without pressure, but things that can’t keep waiting on this marriage. If that’s pressure, then so be it. It's just plain life too to have to deal with the daily goings on and make decisions.

I think I managed to pull off Christmas better than I expected. Friday was a busy day at work, and just two of us doing the work of 4. My boss, very generously, walked by and said he knew we’d be too busy to get out for lunch so go ahead and order some in and the company would pay for it. Wow, thanks.

So all my lunch errands had to be run after I got off work late, and the crowds were in full force. I did stop to look at a room for rent, just a room not an apartment, cheap enough, and no pets. I just can’t do that, and that was a big part of my decision in the opening of this post. I learned of a store right in town that sells ski stuff, so I went, but they only had two pair of down hill boots. They have a sister store about 45 minutes away having a big sale. I called H but he didn’t answer, so I sent a txt mssge and asked if I could use his expertise to help me pick out boots. Never responded.

I finished my errands and came home, and couldn’t find my favorite dog. The other 3 were bounding all over, but not my favorite. He’s been sore all week, but has good times and runs around like Tigger, but he didn’t come to meet me. I panicked, and started looking all over for him. Finally found him, but he would barely lift his head, he was so sore. I bent down by him, and then he sat up, and whined, and then he got up and followed me. I was crying way before that, and that just set me off and all I could do was keep crying. About everything. We never did get a tree, so I took some strings of lights and was putting them around a window when H came home. He asked how my dog was, and I broke down again about the dog, said how I had to look for him. Not like H could comfort me with a hug or anything. Went out to add a few strings of lights I had just picked up in town to the ones I had already put up. H helped with chores, and when we were done I asked if he’d come with me to look at ski boots. He got his painful wince look but said yes. I don’t know if it was right or wrong to pursue him to help me with this one thing, but it is an area where he has so much more knowledge than I do, and I sort of felt like he should help me and I didn’t want to let him just blow me off about it. So I probably did force him on this one. I got some boots on a good sale. I also asked to stop and get some pain reliever for my dog, and we did.

On the way home H left a message with friend who was looking at a horse, they were going to go on Saturday again to look for a 2nd time. Leaving at 6am. I thought how I would like to go along but also that just some peaceful time at home would feel good too. Saturday morning came, and I was up when they were leaving and made a take a long cup of coffee for friend. Sort of a tradition when I know he’s coming. So he blew me a kiss, and asked if I wanted to ride along too, said they’d be back by noon. I thought for a bit, and said sure. H was not very happy, his problem. I got in the back seat of the truck, one of those half cab types. H wouldn’t budge his seat forward a bit, or even ask. Jerk. After a while the friend driving asked how I was, I said a little squeezed, so he looked at hubby and his seat all the way back, and then moved his own drivers seat forward to make more room. Friend bought the horse, and I offered that when he picks it up he should keep it here. Benefits are he has a place to ride inside during the winter weather, we have cows he can work his on, and for me if I work it right it would generate income, I’d have someone to ride with and help me with the cows and practice, and maybe H would join in and ride again too. Sometimes I feel like we need a buffer to promote communication between us, and then we have something to talk about.

Seems to have worked a little bit. Or it’s Christmas, or whatever. H has softened a little bit over the weekend. I went to church, and told him he was welcome to come along, but he didn’t. When I was going out the door I said see ya, and he actually looked at me with a weird look, surprise or something. Turns out while I was gone he moved some hay down for feeding the next few days. When I got home I gathered up the presents to load in the truck. I didn’t say anything to him. He got up and came along. It was a nice evening with family, and we got home fairly late. Used to be we’d open presents at that time, but H laid down on the couch, so I said Merry Christmas and went to bed.

Yuck, dreams. Had a restless night of little sleep. Dreamt about apartments and someone was moving, and then also dreamt that hubby and I were hugging and kissing and making up. It was so real I woke up physically feeling it. Laid in bed for a while longer, then got up and came out to lay on the other couch under the lights. It’s a favorite thing I like to do. I slept until 8am then. I thought I was going to be sick, got cold and shakes and stomach pains, but it was short lived. Whew! We have quite a few gifts from friends each year, sort of gratitude stuff I guess for helping them with stuff each year. I got some coffee in my cup, and asked H if he wanted to do anything with them, he said what do you want to do? I said I suppose we should open them. So we did. One thing we received was two pairs of wool socks. H asked if I wanted a pair and I went into my mode of ‘no, you take them both’ even though I could really use a pair. So when he went into his mode of ‘are you sure?’ I changed my mind and said I really could use a good pair of warm socks, and offered him his color choice. Amongst the packages was the stuff that I got for him. He seemed to like the items he received, genuinely. Everything was done, and I was wadding up the old paper to start the traditional paper fight, and he reached behind the couch and pulled out a package for me. I was truly surprised he got me anything, I just didn’t think he would this year. It was software for a digital camera, and the camera would be in next week. Now, this is not the camera either one of us talked about wanting, so while I was ecstatic that he got me anything, I was disappointed that it was not something I wanted. But again, H has outspent me in the gift giving, and that was something I had pondered earlier was if I should have spent more money on him, is that his love language? But I didn’t and can’t change it now. When the camera does come, I can do a better job of showing my appreciation for what he chose for me. We sat and talked a while, H had some softness to his voice that I haven’t heard for a while, he told stories about some of his summer days, and I could ask questions without him getting upset.

H went out to do chores, I started the potatoes to take along to my folks for dinner. I had a new recipe! Got ‘em all done and in the slow cooker, and went to take a shower. H was back in by this time, had seen the slow cooker, and was on the phone with kids. As soon as I was done in the shower and in the bedroom getting dressed, H came down the hall for his shower. I figured he’d go right to the shower, but I could hear him coming to the bedroom. Geez, I felt fear of him seeing me naked, I grabbed my robe and turned my back to the doorway. He asked about the potatoes. ??? Why when I was naked in the bedroom? I got my robe on and turned to answer his potato questions, and he went to the shower. Am I just so numbed up that I am missing any signals he is giving? I don’t know, I have to stay numb to survive this… but I also know that when you go numb to quit feeling so bad that you suppress your happy side too. At least that’s what a counselor told me years ago.

The rest of the day was a pretty normal day, just void of hugs or touches or kisses. We got home and went into our normal rut mode of chores and computer time, and I was going to bed and said good night, and heard a response this time.

Nothing too special this morning. H took a shower, I gave it a thought, but stayed away. I typed this big long story and then the computer went crazy and I thought I lost it all, but it recovered and here it is. In the meantime, H shared with me that he sold a high priced item this morning (YEAH), and now he left for appointments and said see ya later. At least he remembered to take tools this time. My plan for the day is do some picking up around the house, and try to work on a few other put off projects. And see if my ski boots fit on my bindings so I can go along skiing tonight.