Quote: Have you told you wife about the diagnosis?
No. I’ve been stalling going back to the C for far too long, but I needed some time. I probably should talk to him about telling her. In my heart of hearts, I really feel like W would just blow him off, deny that she has any such problem, and continue on her merry way. IOW, I’m afraid that it would blow the R with the only person who has ever shown any possibility of getting through to her. And I don’t want to sabotage that.
Quote: I will say, since you choose not to leave ZB, and I do respect that, have you tried ANY of the boundary setting and 180's people have offered?
I won’t go into detail here, at least not right now, but I have been working on them. The dog things are just hard since I’m not willing to turn out the dogs she already has, but W has agreed not to bring any more in without my agreement. We’ll see.
Quote: Only if your wife decides this really matters to her will you ever get your turn.' Every sucess story on this board has taken both partners working towards a common goal and both partners willing to come out of there comfort zones to met each other needs.
But according to what I know of NPD, and what the C told me, that isn’t going to happen. That’s my problem. That’s why I’m presently having such a problem with anger and resentment.
Quote: In the reading you've done on the NPD message boards, are there any happily married couples? CAN this work in some as-yet-untried fashion, with you two?
OK, this is getting philosophical, but happiness is a relative term. I see that some couples do manage to get to a place when the non-NPD partner finds some modicum of happiness. But I have to admit that I haven’t seen any other cases of NPD combined with the ND. If W had some interest in sex, I would be reasonably happy – i.e. I have learned to live with the NPD. A people-pleaser and conflict-avoider is the perfect mate for someone with NPD. During that all too brief stretch when we were ML once a week, I was really pretty satisfied. That’s when I changed my name to ZB: zufriedengestellter = content or satisfied. The biggest obstacle to my happiness is the lack of sex. The NPD just explains why W won’t discuss the SSM or try to work on it. It basically says to me that she’s never going to try.
Chrissy, I agree with what you’ve said about CeMar’s sitch. As I said to BF, I just saw parallels between CeMar’s sitch and mine and let my anger and frustration spill out. I’m sorry.
Quote: Sounds like she loves you and adores you. But is really just a ND person. Who is comfortable with the fact that you have accepted her as is.
Not exactly. Well, I guess that depends on what you mean by “accepted”. I’ve made it clear that I’m not happy with the sitch, but since I’m committed to staying there, there’s not a lot I can do if she simply refuses to work with me on this. I still haven’t given up completely, but I’m more or less resigned to spending the rest of my life working on this and seeing little or no progress. My only consolation is that I’m getting to know myself better, getting more accepting and comfortable with who I am, and I’m becoming a better person.
Quote: Bottom line is it is a way of coping but as you already stated you know it is not going to make you happy. So that is going to help you how in the long run?
Like I told HP, happiness is a relative term. I will probably never have a fulfilling SL with W – which is what I would need in order to be truly happy. But by acknowledging that ours isn’t a sexual R and finding some way to come to terms with that, I can alleviate some of the pressure I’m feeling in the R and thereby increase my own level of happiness in it. I think Lil put it better when she talked about dwelling on the things that are wrong with her R. I’ve been deluding myself that this is a sexual R for 30 years and then been unhappy with not getting it. My feeling that I’m being shortchanged has tainted my own happiness. I’m not having sex with any of my daughters, but I love them all dearly and have great R’s with all three of them. Why is that? Because those aren’t sexual R’s and I have no expectation of them being sexual. I’m thinking that if I can redefine my M as a non-sexual R, letting go of that expectation will change the R. And in reality, I think that that’s just acknowledging something that already exists. I won’t be happy without sex, but my R with W will be better when I lose the expectations and the reactions to not having those expectations addressed.
I understand what you are saying, and I respect your POV on this. I have a question for you though, it's truly out of curiosity...I have a tendancy to think ahead.
Ok...lets say you can get to a place where you can accept that your R with your W is going to be basically non-sexual (lets assume it happens every blue moon for ya...hey I'm optimistic). What happens if a woman comes along that you find yourself attracted to? It's not unreasonable that this may happen.
You're a strong man, you can probably resist the urge to have an A....but what happens when the resentments pop up again that you won't have the R with your W that you want when temptation rears it's head?
I just have a gut feeling that at some point this is something you will have to deal with. Have you thought about this? If so, what are your thoughts?
Speaking for myself only on this...but for me, I could see potential disaster brewing if I was dead-set on staying in my M. I'm curious to hear your take on it.
I don’t know how to answer you. I would like to think that I would resist if and when temptation arises. It’s happened several times since the A, but I’ve always run away. If I feel tempted to cross the line, I back away from the R. We can never really tell what we would do in any given sitch (just read LFL’s thread where she talks about people asking why she and H are back together), but I would like to think that I would be firm in my beliefs and principles.
Do I se this as a potential problem? Yes, I do. But it’s not a problem I haven’t already been facing for years. Like I said, I don’t think I’m redefining my M; I’m just acknowledging and trying to accept what already is.
But according to what I know of NPD, and what the C told me, that isn’t going to happen. That’s my problem. That’s why I’m presently having such a problem with anger and resentment.
See this is the part I have a problem with.
First your C needs to not only advise her of his diagnosis but C her on the fact that though she has no sex drive you do and to mantain a healthy marriage and meet your needs she needs to come out of her comfort zone and if not out of physical desire but love attempt to meet some of your needs. IMO.
I am not saying have sex with you daily. Maybe have sex once every two weeks and on alternate weeks do hand jobs or blow jobs once a week. That is not asking for the moon. And though she may not get aroused I am sure she is aware that you do. So she is aware that you have this need and she is not attempting to meet it. I really don't know what your current freqency is.(sometimes peoples sitchs run together in my head). But sex twice a month is better then twice a year and so forth, It is at least a effort to show how much you mean to her.
I myself do not know much about NPD. But I do know that you can match physical need with mental awareness. Example I myself am mentally aware my H has a high physical drive. While I do not have that same physical drive I still put forth the effort to meet his needs. Maybe it is more sparse then he would like but I do make the effort to fufill the baseline amount to keep him content if not happy with our sex lifes. It is/was not physical urges on my part that at one time prompted me to do this it is/was a mental desire to satisfy. And again there are the NOP's Mrs Nop is a self professed ND. Who has sex almost daily from what I have read. Who wanted to make her H happy. It again was a mental state not physical state that made her choose to do this. Same as myself and I am sure lots of others.
So a long winded way to say. Your wife regaurdless if she is ND/LD or what ever can make a mental choice to attempt to fufill some of your needs. Even though she does not have the same needs. And I fear that once the C gives her the diagnosis if he does not properly C her as to the ripple effects. It will be like a get off scott free card/ easy way out not to even try to make your needs important to her.
Quote: --------------------------- Do I se this as a potential problem? Yes, I do. But it’s not a problem I haven’t already been facing for years. ---------------------------
So, since the problem now has a name, will you become a volunteer who participates in her problem - a willing victim so to speak, or will you do something about the issues, and remove yourself from the slow motion train wreck that your marriage has become?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: I don't want to have sex with H after he just screamed and cussed me for all I am worth simply eqaulled I do not want to have sex. Not interested and so forth. But truth is I am fine with sex I just don't care to have it with someone that is mean all the time except when we are having sex.
Boy did that ring a bell with me Chrissy. Does it ever. He could never understand that. He could never understand why I wouldn't want to put my arms around him and pull him close after he had called me a fat b*tch, or told me basically how worthless I was.
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IMHO, if you want to kiss your wife, just kiss your wife, don't tell her you want to kiss her and then put the entire burden of what to do next or finding the right thing to say on her shoulders. ___________________________________________________________
In my case, we were laying in bed before turning the light out for sleeping. I put my arm around her and told her to come close because I wanted to kiss her. I didn't pose it in the form of a question requiring some type of response from her, but I can see how perhaps that may make her feel awkward if she did NOT feel like kissing me (for whatever reason).
Quote: ------------------------------------------------------- Really, who? Please show me ONE ND women that has returned to HD because of what her husband did. -------------------------------------------------------
Well surprise, surprise, MrsNOP has. The details are on Chromo's thread.
Now, what is your excuse for not taking some of the advice you have been given here and sharing your experience instead of empty proclamation.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
