Thank you for your measured response. I singled you out when I shouldn’t have and I apologize for that. I’m just trying to deal with a mountain of frustration and resentment and most of what I see here either comes down to “meet her needs”, or “be assertive and self-assured”.
Let me get back to CeMar for a minute. I know that all of us have had our frustrations in dealing with CeMar. He certainly appears to have an attitude problem (and it may just be appearance), and he does have a tendency to speak in absolutes. He’s something less than forthcoming when we ask him questions. But I see a lot of the same frustrations in CeMar’s posts that I feel myself. He asks about getting his needs addressed, but all he gets in response is questions about MrsCeMar’s needs, how he’s trying to meet them, and things like that. I understand that those are valid questions and in many situations, are the key to resolving the problems. But they get no response from CeMar. Either he’s ignoring the suggestions and saying, “I can’t catch any fish”, or maybe he’s feeling like I am: I’ve tried all of that and gotten nowhere.
We all assume the former, but what if it’s really the latter? In an effort to get past all of that, CeMar has even gone so far as to ask his questions with the stipulation that ALL of MrsCeMar’s needs are being met and that she’s completely satisfied. That is most certainly not the case, but I see where CeMar is going. If he lost the entitled tone to his writing and dropped the absolutes, his questions would come out more like, “When I’m bending over backward to meet her needs, when I’ve lowered my expectations, and compromised my own needs far more than seems reasonable, when I’ve done the GAL thing, and MrsCeMar still doesn’t appear to have any concern for my needs or make any effort to meet them, what can I do?” But he still gets nothing but, “What do you two do together?”, “What makes MrsCeMar tick?”, “Does your happiness depend upon your W?”, and others like that.
I perceive CeMar as saying that he knows there are problems from both sides. He knows he has work to do. But as all of us know, it’s really, really tough to do that work when you see no efforts from the other side. CeMar is asking a very legitimate question: everything I’ve seen, heard, read, or experienced has been about meeting her needs – I’m working on that, but when do we get to the part where my needs are addressed? How can I keep this up when I never see any response, never see any improvement, never see any effort to address what I want and need from the R? Since I’m the only one who seems to be getting that from CeMar’s posts, it’s probably because I’m feeling those frustrations and reading them into what he says. But regardless of why, I am seeing that and it’s resonating in me. I feel like I’ve made Herculean efforts to improve my M and seen no changes and gotten nothing in return. I do feel that I’m a better person, but my M isn’t any different.
Something in me broke when I heard the NPD diagnosis. I’m still going in and out of the anger stage. When I responded to CeMar, it was a cry of anger and frustration. With the NPD diagnosis, I was basically told that it will never change, never get better. In my anger, frustration, and resentment, I’m asking one of the same questions I ascribed to CeMar: how can I keep this up when I never see any response, never see any improvement, never see any effort to address what I want and need from the R? Or more simply, when do I get my turn?
