I’m on your side brother. I hear and understand. I think you have a real problem with presentation, but there is certainly truth in what you say and legitimacy in what you ask.
What BF and others don’t seem to grasp is that some people just don’t care for sex. They insist on trying to convince you that your W really isn’t ND even though she has told you that she is. They may be correct in that assertion, but they are totally wrong in refusing to accept the possibility that your W really is ND. Some people simply have no libido. It can be mental/emotional, but it can also be hormonal, caused by various meds, related to other health problems, or any number of other things. Maybe, just maybe, MrsCeMar really is just ND.
BF, I’m not picking on you, but you seem hell-bent on this idea that masculinity and self-assurance are the panacea for all R problems. I’m sorry, but that’s simply NOT the case. I know that I’ve contributed to my own problems, I don’t deny that, but none of your ideas will work for me. I don’t know what MrsZB’s problems are, but they predate me. W simply has a deeply ingrained distaste for sex. She’s not lacking desire for me, she’s completely lacking desire. She has said in MC that she hates men. She has said, very specifically, that sex is “gross”. She has made countless comments in reaction to movie and TV characters that underscore her statements. She has said that she never gets horny and that she wouldn’t care if she never had sex again.
Some posters have said that her interest in romance novels indicated that she does have an interest in sex, but I say they’re wrong about that too. Again, W likes the romance, but not the sex that goes with it. In fact, she’s quite vocal about disliking the sex in the stories. She much prefers the older ones where the sex is either implied or simply non-existent. She much prefers the chaste heroines.
She loves me very much. She is very desirous of physical closeness. She’s very affectionate. She loves snuggling/cuddling. She kisses. She holds hands. She is probably the world’s biggest massage fan. Hugs are enthusiastically given and received. None of this sounds a bit like she’s turned off by me or by my relative level of masculinity, confidence, self-assurance, or whatever. The problem is that none of this translates to sex. She likes me just fine; it’s sex that she doesn’t like.
Sorry for the hijack, CeMar, but I wanted to make the point that regardless of their spouse’s behavior, some people just don’t have any interest in sex. People keep telling you all kinds of things to rekindle your W’s desire. They keep telling you that she isn’t ND or even LD, but that problems in the R are preventing her from expressing her D. Again, they may very well be right, but they may be wrong too. And I have yet to see anyone even attempt to answer your very legitimate questions about how the HD partner can cope with ND from their spouse.
As I said before, I think you have a presentation problem. You seem so angry and so unwilling to accept that you might be part of the problem that people have a hard time relating to you. You just seem to radiate anger and entitlement. I, myself, have said that I don’t see how your W could help but pick up on some of that anger. I’ve said that the anger and entitlement aren’t helping you a bit. But I do feel your pain. I do understand your frustrations. I just wish I had something to offer. But the fact is that I don’t.
How do you build or maintain any EC with a spouse who steadfastly fails (refuses?) to fill your love tank? The common wisdom here seems to be that if you speak to them in their LL, if you fill their love tank, then they’ll just naturally want to reciprocate. But we know that’s not true. At least you and I do. If MrsZB really does have NPD (which I’m convinced she does), then there are problems beyond the sex and desire issues, but knowing that doesn’t help me. I still don’t know what to do to get my own love tank filled.
I don’t know if this is right or wrong, but right now I’m just trying to change my own way of thinking. Ever since the shrink dropped the NPD bomb, I’m working on recasting my view of the R. You would think that after 30 years I would have gotten the idea, but I’ve always seen ours as a sexual R. Sex-starved, but sexual. Now I’m changing that. We have an intimate R, but it’s not sexual. If I acknowledge that it’s not a sexual R, (which after 30 years, it’s clearly not), it eases a lot of my expectations. And I’m realizing that a lot of my own pain was the pain of unmet expectations. I expected to have sex with my W. When that didn’t happen, I felt cheated. Now, I don’t expect it, so I don’t feel shortchanged when it doesn’t happen. I’ve also been angry at W for not even trying to meet my needs in what was supposed to be a sexual R. I’m losing the anger too. If it’s not a sexual R, then there’s no expectation that she try to satisfy me sexually, and no reason to be angry when she doesn’t.
Don’t get me wrong. This is not what I want and I’m not happy about it. But it is helping me deal with the pain.
