How to proceed?

[snookchaser]

CeMar,

I read your post and thought to myself, "Geez, did he even read what he wrote"? I think that it's great that you've chosen to actualy share a little more details with the group, not many, but they're in there. But, some of your statements seem to me to be total contradictions. I know that the others here would do a much better job than I in replying to your post, but I can't help myself, it's way too easy.

All I have done is try to figure out what I want from my marriage. Do I impress this upon her, no.

Why not????? I mean, if you have figured out the things that you want in your M, and chose not to share them with your W, then how is she to know? She's not the Amazing Kreskin. More importantly, do you know what she wants in her M? If you can answer no to one or both of those questions, then that might be a good place to start working on your R together. I'm with you on the the SSM stuff. It really sucks! But, there is more to a R than sex. (Geez, did I really just say that?) What about being freinds? Doing fun things together? Watching TV together? Cooking in the kitchen together? Doing anything together (besides sex)?

Suppose that the magic sex fairy showed up to CeMar's house one enchanted evening and with the wave or phallically shaped magic wand, turned your W into a insatiable nympho who could never get enough of you. For the first week, you'd probably feel great and think to yourself, "Wow, this is great. I'm finally getting me need met". And met, and met, and met... Over and over again, until after about a week of all that non-stop boinkin. Your oscar mayer is just so d@amn raw and sore that you don't even want to think about getting another BJ anytime soon.

At that point, what do you two do? Is there dead silence between the both of you? Do you just lay there in bed w/ you "unit" in traction, while your recovering and not say anything or do anything with your W? What then...?

I probably should not say I hate her.

Why not, does she read your posts here? Are you afraid of our replies? It doesn't really matter though, your answer was loud and clear. To me at least.

...We both are indifferent to each other, the opposite of love....

If you are indifferent to her, how could you possibly doing everything to meet her needs as you have stated many times here. So you aren't meeting her needs. Also, (and Dr. LillyPearl, our designated language professor may correct me if I'm wrong here), the opposite of "love" would be what....??? ..."Hate"...?

...This is completely natural since we both seem to not fill each others love tank....

Well Duh! So, you aren't filling her love tank. Why? Your not meeting her needs. Why not? What do you give of yourself to her? Don't you know what her needs are?

I have come to believe that I can ask her for changes, but how she changes must be left up to her and I must stay out of that issue.

CeMar, your right on target with that. Your right, you can ask for changes, but those changes are entirely within her, alone to make. However, if your not meeting her needs (changes in you), how is she supposed to be willing and inspired with enough love to meet your needs. Someone needs to go first, and take the lead. Your waiting on her and she's waiting on you....

Also, if a man is truly confident and married to a LD wife, would that not mean that he would be confident that he could do better, which eventually means that a confident man would LEAVE his LD wife.

That statement just reaks of "No love for my wife at all".
Kinda like the "opposite of love". It started off going in the right direction, "confident that he could do better", (you realize that there's a problem and now can make efforts that lead your R back to a healthy, "love"-ing one). But then you make the quantum leap that "the confident man would LEAVE his LD wife". So, are you saying that not only are you not filling her love tank and that you hate her, but you also have one foot out the door and are willing to LEAVE? All because you can do better? Sounds to me like you haven't tried. You haven't done anything, you haven't given any of yourself.

Funny, everything I have talked about on these boards is EC. It is MY EC, it is not HER EC. But apparently, we are to ONLY address the EC needs of the LD spouse.

I won't try to speak for BF, but I really think that you missed his point. You didn't answer the question. I heard him simply ask 'what do you both do together'? Not anything to do with being HD or LD, meeting HIS this or HER that. But simply what do you both do together. Do you do anyting that you or she enjoys? That you both enjoy? Do you pick out and watch movies together? Do you go shopping together? Do you cook your favorite meals together? Do you talk together? Walk together... blah, blah, blah....?

I know that my wife and I have little EC.

When was the last time you bought her some flowers, "just because"?

She wants trust, financial security, conversation, a father that spends lots of time with his children, a man with confidence, a man that just wants to be her companion ...

Wow, CeMar, there some really great stuff here. Finally some details. This is exactly the kinda of stuff that folks here are wanting you to share. It's a start.

So, being trustworthy. Do you come through for her and do things that you say you'll take care of. Or do you let her down with simple things and/or important tasks?

Financial security. Do you have a steady job? Is there potential for career growth? Are you a dependable "Bread Winner"?

Conversation. Do you two talk? About what? About the family? About Home Improvements? Vacations? Cross-Word puzzles? Current Evenets? The History of Paint?

Spending time with the childern. Do you? What do you do with them? Do you play games together? Ride bikes together? Take them out for Ice Cream? Help them with their homework? Make toast together?

I am working on ALL of these things, but probably no as hard as I could. But not one of these things will build EC for me.

Well there then, you do have your answer. It's not supposed to build EC for you. You probably do need to work hard at actually doing those things. You know, prioritize your priorities, not only for your children (fill their love tank), not only for for wife (fill her love tank), but also for you (fill yourself with the gift of giving). Then you can reap what you sow. As I stated before. Some needs to go first, and take the lead. Your waiting on her and she's waiting on you....

Board Game analogy...
W picks up the die...rolls a 2
CeMar picks up the die....rolls a 6
Yea! You go FIRST.

Are my wife and I friends, probably. Do we share activities, no, except for the family stuff

Scary stuff there CeMar, with that first statement. Almost as bad as the ealrier "Opposite of Love"?. Find an activity to do together, one that centers on her primary interest. Family First! Tell me , what wonderful, unexpected thing can you do today, with regard to your "family", that will fill you wifes "love tank"? What ever it is, what ever you can come up with....just...Do it! (and don't expect anything in return). If this is important to her, make it important to you too. THAT builds EC.

And now you've said, in your closing paragraph, that your wife controls your happiness? While there is some truth in a HD being miserable in a SSM. Come on now. Besides have sex, what makes you happy? (and remember about the aforementioned "magic sex fairy") Do you like the outdoors? Fishing? Playing Guitar? Playing Video Games? Tinkering around in the garage? Building Stuff out of Wood? Watching TV? After all that nympho magic fairy sex and a broken weenie, what then? Do you really believe that GAL, doing things that are of interest to you or are important to you are MINOR? I mean, it's ALL part of YOUR life dude. Your only life, so that makes it MAJOR, each and every part.

And for Christ Sake...this one blows me away...

my children are not going to make me happy...

You should be ashamed of yourself. That is a very, very hateful thing to say. I hope that they never get to read that. Remember, one day, when your a very old, grumpy, frail, horny man (that can't do anyting about it). These are the childern that might have to one day, decide when you too old and need leave the solitude of your home by yourself and either move in with them or get sent to the golden pastures retirement home. Have you filled their "love tank" enough for them to make that decision for you when you no longer can?

I told myself that I wasn't going to put too much into this post. My own post is now locked up (yeppie) and it is time to start a new year with a new thread. Oh well, like I said at the beginning, CeMar... It was too easy.

Snook.