I seem to think to far ahead and it does not help my progress now. I see HUGE hurdles down the road that I see lttle hope in overcoming, and this makes me wonder why even try. For example, I consider French Kissing to be CRUCIAL to the survival of a marriage. French Kissing is almost the ULTIMATE form of EC, without it, there can be no EC. My has told me she does not like to kiss me. How does one fix a situation like this? This one is a showstopper. The just do it approach will not work, kissing is one of those things where enthusiasim from BOTH spouses must be shown, or it is a complete failure.
Anyone else have a spouse that does not like to kiss or does not like French kissing?
Kissing is a good form of EC, How about touch, handholding, even a arm across your shoulder!! All of this is missing. How can a HD even think a LD like this could ever change?? I've given up, myself. I do not believe she could/would ever change, and it is not realistic for me to even want/expect that. I do get a peck on the cheek in church. Wow, what a treat. It is rejection on a daily basis. But, I do see light at the end of the tunnel, as I believe this long strange journey I refer to as a marriage will soon be over. Onward to new relationships, this time with eyes wide open. CD
Why does your W not like kissing? Telling us she doesn't like it...doesn't really give us an avenue to give you suggestions. It could be your technique (I've met some men I wasn't fond of kissing because of how they went about it). It could be that she doesn't want to do it because she doesn't feel an EC for you. Just because kissing creates an EC for you...doesn't mean it will work for her (I know you know that). She may need to feel the EC in order to "want" to kiss you. It's possible too that there could be much deeper intimacy issues going on, but I suspect it's that she doesn't have an EC with you that keeps her from kissing you. I know that's not easy to hear, but I suspect it to be the case.
I notice in many of your posts you often refer to something as "the ultimate expression...." or something similar. CeMar, you've got to remember that what you are saying is it is the ultimate for YOU, not necessarily HER or anyone else. I hear you often projecting your ideals towards her, as if because it's your ideal...it should be hers too, I think this trips you up, just as looking too far down the road keeps you from taking action.
So....what type of physical contact do you have with your W? If you tell me, none....then expecting french kissing is, IMPO, unrealistic at this time. Not unrealistic down the line, but you can't go from nothing to that.
Going for some real honesty here with you. CeMar, I have this hunch that you have a dynamic going in your R right now, although you don't give us much to go on.....that is pushing you two apart. I still haven't a clue how you behave with your W, you still haven't told us a thing on that, but you (to me) have a big sense of entitlement.....and that, to a woman is a repellant. I'm not saying YOU are repellant to her, but I can't get away from this gut feeling that your behavior somehow is.
When my H is doing things that I find unattractive, being a butthead, or patronizing me (he used to do this some), or not listening to me when I had something to say (much better about this now too), or even worse....trying to make me see things his way when I have my own opinion....my attraction to him goes downhill. I don't want to reach out to him, I don't want to be near him, I certainly don't want to be intimate with him. Now, add any behaviors similar to these, or the ones I mentioned, to a hectic day like I'm sure you guys have with your family and you have a recipe for disaster.
The reason I mentioned the behaviors I did is that I've noticed in my own experience....many men (not all mind you) have a tendancy to do at least some of these things to the women in their lives. Behaviors like that can push us away from you and over time that chasm just gets wider and wider until there is absolutely no EC there whatsoever. Think about your behavior, do you think you might be someone who does those things....without even thinking? It's not that it's malicious behavior, it's not even that it's behavior that's intentionally hurtful.....but just simple things like that can push someone away.
I did some thinking on this....the things I mentioned are things I've seen my Dad do to my Mom that I know for a fact pushes her away (she's talked to me about it)....and some of it my H has done with me, it gets the same reaction when he does it. My brother also has some of these behavioral tendancies.....and, I've noticed so do some of my male co-workers.
Once again....just something to think about. If you do have any of these behavioral tendancies....THAT is something tangible YOU can change that can affect your R with your W, it's a place to begin. That is also an example of how changing your behavior might have an affect on how she feels about you. It's, in a way, a respect issue. When someone does the things I mentioned to me, I don't feel very valued, I don't feel respected.
You don't. You don't 'fix' relationships. You start new ones... either with the person to whom you are married, or with someone else after you D. Ain't no fixing, though.
You say that your wife "doesn't like kissing." Does she not like STANDARD kissing either?
Word of advice: if she's told you she doesn't like something, just trying to force it on her is going to make her dig her heels in even deeper and resist it.
But is there room for compromise? Just as with the case of intercourse itself, a person doesn't like it when their spouse assumes or insists that every intance of affection lead to "the whole shebang." Similarly, this could apply in your kissing. Would she be more permissive if you settled for less frequent, standard kisses with no tongue involved for awhile....and then perhaps be more willing to allow the type of deep kissing you prefer once in a while as a special treat? My own wife is very open to this type of kissing...but there are times when she doesn't want it every time. She's especially self-conscious about kissing in public...and I learned very early on to respect that. As long as I respect those preference of hers, she's very open to doing "more" behind closed doors....
I think maybe bf was responding to your post on NOP's thread. That one did sound pretty world-weary... of course I was slapping the table and shouting "right on, girl!" with every statement... well, mentally, anyway...
yeah... guess it could be seen that way.... but I'm certainly not weary. Those things I put on NOP's thread are stark realizations to be sure, but I feel more 'alive' in the midst of that starkness that I have in many, many years...
Remember.
