I'm going to reply to all the replies which I received. I'm learning a little, but pulling different quotes into one thread is something that I have not mastered yet. This is part of what I jsut posted in "we're seperated"
Quote: But he's committed to her. She's committed to him. He's on her cell phone account. She financed his new computer which I presumed he's making the payments on, just in her name. I understand this, I did the same things for my H. His first truck was in my name (dating). So was the second truck which I transfered title to him after he moved out. Basically she has decided that she is in this for the long haul. So is he, why am I even worried about getting her out through the little tangible things when she's the one he went home to last night?
Re: contact. I have decided that I will not initiate any contact unless I have to b/c I'm taking a kid to the hospital or something like that. I will not return any of his calls unless he leaves me a message. I'm sick of the missed calss from him that show up on my caller ID with no message. If it wasn't important enough to leave a message, then too bad. We have 3 toddlers. Our contact includes when he picks them up twice a week (unless he gets someone else to watch the kids which is frequent) he drops them at a sitter while I'm still at work. Some weekends he shows up to spend some time with the kids, others he doesn't. I never know, even when I ask, I get no advance input.
Re: Blame. Yes I blame him for walking out. No I do not blame him for all the problems in our R. I was blind to alot of the things that I was doing which made him unhappy, but I admit to doing it. its a control thing. I've stopped. That was easy- he's out there is nothing for me to control.
Re: What OW does for H-- she listens. he feels like he can tell her anything and she is starry eyed. Me, I say I am tired b/c I work 2 jobs, and take care of our 3 babies, and we need to clean the kitchen. Now that he has given up the R, the House and pretty much being a parent to his kids, he has none of those pressures.
Re: If only my H told me he was unhappy. Mine did. On 7/18 H told me that he wasn't unhappy, just not happy, didn't even realize it until he went away (W/OW) for the 4th of July to a competition. told me that we don't enjoy the same things anymore, and it's time for him to take care of him. I told him that we needed to try, that we made a promise and we owed it to eachother, our kids and God to try. He agreed. Then proceeded to p/u every extra shift available (or atleast tell me that's where he was) On 8/3, the next time I saw him, I said that in order to try he needed to be around, spend some time with me, begged for counseling. He got up and left. I didn't see him again until 8/6 when he informed me that he had signed a lease and made his peace with God.
The OW is an excape from the problems of the R. Absolutely. But where is the solace in that. Instead of dealing with the problems he escaped.
What attracted him to OW, she listened and validated. Made him feel good about himself. I've been validating and telling him how wonderful he is for months. It doesn't matter. All that has gooten me is a welcome sign on my forehead as I play doormat.
