Had too long posts, deleted both. Crap, read Corri's post so much synchronicity. also included much More on my x's playtime being over, that I never shared, days before D.

Thought I was being pathetic, and not thought stopping didnt share. Mines over, let it go. Mistake me thinks now. let others learn from esperiences. Here to grow and learn, vent and share, not be cool tough guy.


I WAS AN INFIDEL.

So first Stig if you dont mind I will share a epiphany I had today, that most likely will be completely obvious to everyone else, but for me well I am glad for my sleep deprived, brain slowing, over worked current state.

I have been Reading Nops statement for weeks now. It rivited me. Its been like a crappy Journey song, revolving in my head.

Quote:

An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason



I had this prodigious bag of resentment for my x, not 'choosing' to love me. Also a terrifically superior perverse satisfaction that x had an affair, even though I was at the time, technically meeting all of Dr Harley's needs. Not to mentions irritating confusion, and frustration with personal attraction beliefs.

So I am working and thinking about my crap instead of focusing on life and limb. And it comes to me.

I believe that the mans mental state controls the R. Schnarch? says that a woman is a mirror to the man in a R. Biologically they are receivers to our transmitter.

I see this dynamic, this theory, repeated often here, and the phrase 'Ive lost myself coming from women in LTR.

Whats my point?

I added OM to my M. I treated him like a brother, loved him, included him in everything. My wife followed my lead and emulated me. He copied me in certain areas, and her differentiation of us was blurred even more.

She did what I did. She loved him. and the resulting romantic explosion wrecked and confused her, terribly.

I of course booted him, he betrayed me, but not her. she still had the love.

So it wasnt her not choosing me, it was simply her following IMO her nature, her programming, what she was designed to do. Mirror the man/ men in her life, follow his/ their lead.

and I 'got' why I was an infidel. I 'got' why even though I have said I wouldnt let OM live with me again; my anger and not understanding this probably obviousness to everyone else, inside I have been muttering "I set her up to prove she loved me". " I should be able to take MY Wife anywhere". " 'never trust another woman'

Well I could and did. and she came and did what I did.


and all my resentment and superior perverse satisfaction that I did 'everything' right and OM's rightness in proving attraction over choice just floated away. Like a helium ballon.

So know I just feel this very relaxed, understanding. And real forgivness. I dont let her off the hook for her choices and am not going chasing after her with this new insight.

But I did realize a couple other things.
First I could have 'won' her back. I believe this because, besides my arrogance, I know attraction. I know her. I know woman code and got loads of it just before D, and I know exactly how to go about it.

Stig if you decide to do that, I will be interested in how Nops advice and if I may offer, mine, will mesh. I did it the first time with 12 contacts, less then 3 months time, a butt load of resentment, and some struggle to control incongruence. But my inability to reason because of insecurity and OM and my Entitlement to a woman who is above biology... (which would make her better then I ) mmmm... she didnt deserve me the second time. LOL. Because Im perfect. hold the hoots and howls of laughter please.

and I feel no anxiety, no thundering need, no emotional turmoil, no need to run and fix it now. Its just a realization. She was waiting, for me to show her the way, but of course is not going to let go of her only chance, the closest thing to me and/or fullfillment of her replication need she has untill she feels secure that its safe to do so.

Some of this realization was brought on by past behaiviors of mine. Things that I used to do, but couldnt this time. g/f's from the past who had mentioned OM, a kiss, interest in dating someone else yada yada. In all cases I would simply not care. Reply with 'OK'. or 'you should date him'. Or 'whatever you want' and then just move on without any reactivity, doing my thing living my life without a missed beat. I truly didnt care, there choices would effect me not at all. It lead to same conclusion every time. previous g/f's loss of interset in OM usually within a day, sometimes housrs of remark.

Why was I unable to do this as-if, this Alpha behaivior, this 'you SHOULD take care of YOU' belief with my wife. I dont know, dont know that you should have to in a marriage, but do know that I created the sitch. Know that insecurity, and neediness is majority of it. Dependance.

I have this awareness without needing to berate myself, castigate myself, or try to own her crap.

Its so interesting. for her, I dont have the resentment, dont have the needy feeling, dont have anger. I am curious what reviewing this epiphany mentally will have, next time I have a withdrawal.

I dont think I am an Infidel, anymore. Now to git rid of that polyester(layer of player) suit....

Nopkins, thank you, again.


so days before D x emailed me. A straight out apology for her actions in TX. I was stunned. Floored. Never expected it. First time. previously she just said, 'I made mistakes.'

She Couldnt understand why, who she was, what happened to us ( what is this a hoobastank song, I hate musical references tied to emotions. They never end. Like smells.)

Also included comparisons to OM, unfavorable for him, like I want to hear that Sh1t. Women are so dumb.
WOA. Never got that from her whole R, except a squince just post reconcil, and 1 phone call a few months back. never needed it, never thought of it. Created suprising warm fuzzies, and anger. Memories of chat logs filled with WOA for OM. Caused massive jealousy at the time. (isnt being able to remember eveything you read fun?) poems, love sonnets, net camera, HMMM I remember our videos, what did he get. Mentally put on straight jacket, sent warrior to fight the hydra of self doubt, what to do, emotions, logic, knowledge, OM insecurity, decision is already made..... visualize OM and x making sweet sweet love. kerpow hydra explodes boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. That always works to bankrupt LB deposits. check to see if still in contact with OM. yep.
deprive self of sleep, blather like idiot here, strangle warrior wanting to fight for M. D day emotional wreckage, actions speak louder then words, leading to self inflicted hatred later that evening.

No point just relating what happened when playtime ran out. That apology had so much effect on me. Im very grateful for it.

Well see if my epiphany smooths out the rollarcoaster now. I think it will. I feel something different.