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Stigmata 2006
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
urghhh God Damn you ladies. x is a tauraus. I am a scorpio, x is a dragon, I am a rat. x is a poet, I am a warrior, we were son of a b!tching, MFing Soul mates...BANG BANG BANG bang ban ba b Ihateher Ihateher Ihateher
ow. my head. guess not. she didnt think so at any rate.
- My x went AWOL OM at 27; 31 this year. Something about that age range in Fs. I don't know who she is right now. Rebellious. P-Child R. Point of even asking me what she was hungry for when ordering food. Emotional immaturity. Your x will regret. May take year or 2 to sink in. Know mine will b/c I heard "hope I'm not making the biggest mistake of my life" line 2x already. Some piece of her locked down psyche is sending out this SOS IMO.
Do you have anything new to teach me, or are you just a negative image....
The anon, I dont care, never have. I know chromo, I didnt out him, and I was thinking of changing my handle to my real name and posting a website in my bio where I can be 'verified' as being a lauded tech instructor... Maybe owner will see linking and come here, stop philandering and try to save his marriage and son from D.
I never let someone else have that power over me and I don't think I will let that happen again--which is a real shame IMO because I will hold part of me back from now on.
BS. You let her betaize you. Thats your fault. She didnt honor and respect, when you fell on your face. Thats hers.
- yes. Barely Beta. And 0 boundaries. She took my laissez-faire "go have fun w/ whomever you want; I'm not concerned" att. and ran...and ran.
my need is having a woman who Chooses me. I can get attraction, I fear it. Its not "love". Like LFL said women want to slam me like beer. I want to be wine. Nop says remove layer of player suit. I say I am a guard dog hiding in wolf skin . x mistook wolf in guard dogs skin for me.
- Tough line to walk, eh? OM in my case was a "bad boy." Why? Beta. Bambi. Also, he was ext. clever. Undermined me to her every chance. Sucked her in.
Do the analogys ever end?
- only if we allow it.
Your too focused on money. that insecurity is causing its own outcome. Stop caring and your woman wont either. That is in your head. YOURS.
- Big part of Betaizing self. Inadequate. XX tastes on high,high,high end.
They want to feel. They want to be cherished. they want to 'know' you.
- Or so I believed. Said I'd love her even if she became toothless bag lady. She was in disbelief. Said "are you crazy?" Don't think she gets it. Sigh.
My x was with me 8 years, doesnt know poop about me. Whose fault is that, heres for not digging, or mine for not giving her sand to play in instead of granite to blast and drill through?
Hmm. Toughy. Harder to extract yourself from other when you feel part of the inner sanctum. Easier to give up (relatively) when you feel like a guest at the club.
My sitch, no communication over hidden resentments (there's that damned word again). Also, happens to everyone. No more mystery. Know all of each other's stories. I accept rationalize it; she thinks it signifies no more juice can be squeezed from the orange IMO. (more analogies!)I know her NGF is tweaking her attraction centers for extroverted virile alphas with whole backlog of interesting stories. Not to mention addictive personality.
O my f'ing lord. (sorry, Jesus, not you; more in vassal/fiefdom vein) look at the time. Today is not going to be a good day. This holiday crap is already not making me sleep much....beddie-bye.
-Stigm.....zzzzzzz.....
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
Quote: and I could kick all three of your azzes at once. I seem to be stuck on azz kicking tonight
Well there is a big bite. Stig has jujitsu, Nop was a football player and who know what else, I have * years of aikido, and @ years of muay tai, and get to practice every weekend, for real, no holds barred. Your not the first 6'8" guy I dunked on either.
Dang...can you feel the testosterone? Well boys, I know judo, jujitsu, karate, and lots of other Asian words. But, mess with me and you'll be in deep, deep pain, because I may not know "muay tai," but I know the Judge, and I'll litigate your azzes until you cry like little babies.
Shudder in the company of my mighty "Motion for Damages-fu" and collapse in self-shame at my unstoppable "Motion for Protection-tat-soi" Oh yes, you'll be feeling the pain for years. I guarantee that you will never walk with quite as manly a gait as before. HAI-YAH! Didn't see that one coming, did you? That was my "Motion For Contempt-aikido." The bruise may not surface for two days, but you'll wonder why it hurts when you pee.
I knew I liked you for more than just your razor sharp wit! You sound much like me. I've told few choice people in the past that assumed because I have red hair and muscles that I'd be a physically violent person. I tell them .... "I NEVER hit unless I'm protecting myself, I use my brains. I'll get you, but I'll do it legally...and you'll wish I had punched you."
GEL Never underestimate the power of a strong-willed, smart woman!
Bullseye, LFL. Got me dead to rights. I keep falling into the trap of expecting everyone else to share my standards. People have different standards. Some have no standards. Yes, this can be the kiss of death. Never expected my H to up and leave. Thought he had my standards, til death do us part, blah blah. Shocked me, that's for sure. My whole perspective on us, on me, on him, on life in general shifted. Still off kilter, maybe always will be. But that's ok. My blinders are gone. I can see much more clearly now even if what I see is painful. I think that might be why x is afraid of telling me truths. She knows I have never hesitated burning bridges, razing the Earth, and salting the soil so nothing will ever grow there again. Probably why I have few friends Exactly why I suggested trying the "friends" approach. She may think she is cut off from you now and therefore, you are a lost cause. Why even try reconnecting? Stop seeing black and white and look for the grey. Your pride and stubbornness will bite you in the butt in the end. I can't process being addressed by her in such detached generic terms. And it happened so fast. One second term of endearment, next-Stigmata etc. So cordial/businesslike now. Like I'm a networking contact in that fakey way of address. I want to reach out, shake her and just say, "would you cut the sh*t already?" But I can't. Alien. Ugh. Boy could I relate to that. H and I NEVER call each other by our real first names. It sounds so weird when we do it. We always call each other "sweetie". When he left we both had to make a very conscious effort not to do that and often failed. That was painful too. But, like you said, they are/were in alien mode so... She will be what causes this whole R to hang in the balance. At this point, you are absolutely right. You can DB your butt off and if she is just not receptive to it, you're SOL. No control. Totally frustrating, maddening, blech. That's why you need to GAL and maybe even start to move on. This is the exact time my H came back to me. May not work for everone but when I totally stopped pursuing he pursued me. Go figure. I hope you are doing ok. I'll be thinking of you over the holidays. You'll get through it. Hope you keep posting too. I'm taking a lot out of your posts so I have selfish reasons. But hopefully the LFL perspective will give you some level of support, insight, empathy as well. Hang in there.
Just to set the astrological record straight... scorpio and taurus ARE NOT the perfect match. Lots of sparks fly between them, to be sure, especially in the bedroom... but the perfect match for long-term compatibility and good sex for a scorpio is a picses... and for taurus, it's cancer or libra.
Stig... let me ask you a couple of questions... i'm going to go back and look up your old posts, but I'll ask anyway. How long have you been DBing, and WHY do you want this woman back?
Believe it or not, our friend CeMar gave me a piece of eye opening advice once a year or so ago... I had been explaining the dynamics between me and my STBX, trying YET AGAIN to fix it all through sheer force of will and stick-to-itness... and CeMar comes through and says something along the lines of... "you aren't sharing quality time, you are sharing space. He's treating you like he would one of his male buddies, sitting in the same room with you, doing a parallel activity, thinking that counts as quality time with you, because it DOES count with his male buddies..."
Well... that blew my boots off. He was right. And that is almost precisely the time that my opinion that lack of sex was NOT our problem in my SSM marriage. The longer I hang around this water cooler, the firmer my belief in this concept becomes... oh, sh!t, I think I'm going off on a tangent.... there was a point to me bringing this up, but I forget now what it is... fudge...
Okay... anyway...
Quote: I'm waiting her out. Lots of R issues need aired.
This woman does not want to talk about R issues because if she did, there'd be a lot of self-accountability that'd have to go on with her... you waiting on her to 'air' these issues reminds her of things she'd really rather ignore. So dump them. Let them go. If you want this woman back... start the heck all over... as if you first met her...
Quote: Nothing in 2 months.. Surprising. Increases viability of OM2 IMO. Damned her. Tough witness. I have to cleverly lead her as I depose her to get to the truth...and she's very, very clever herself....multiple advanced degrees. The direct approach will not work.
Exactly. She gets to be a perfect princess with this guy. No ugly warts. No accountability. Nobody making her face herself. If she is approaching 30, is as clever and good looking and successful as you say... I'd say she is in the middle of her first full-blown MLC. She understands the power of youth and craves it... she has not a farthing of a clue what it means to be a woman.
Believe it or not, and I hope the other ladies here might chime in... some women do not gracefully transition from being the young hottie to an alluring woman. And it can happen around the age of 30 (did with me). One woman knows she's 'got the goods,' and plays with people (because she is still growing up), the other knows she IS the goods,' and does not tolerate fools lightly. THIS is a woman worth keeping... the former is as dangerous as stampeding elephant in a china store...
Why do you want to be with someone who so clearly has no respect for you? Why are you playing this game of chess with her? Are you saying the direct approach won't work with her because you are afraid of backing her into a corner, you are afraid of what her answer will be... you want to give her time to miss you and come to her senses.... or all of the above?
Have you thought about taking a haiatus from DBing and going out on a few dates (even if your heart isn't in it?) There really is something to GAL beyond working out.
What is driving the O/C within you? What's the weak spot in you? "If I don't get her back, it means I'm ___________ ..." what?
Quote: - Yes. I have Doritos. Pure poison but I don't care. I'm just trying to get to Jan. 2. And I like the Dolce Delece (sp.) Haagan D. Save some for me.
Oh, Doritos are pure poison... tests the willpower, too. "No, I will NOT eat the whole bag in one sitting...." Jan. 2 is just around the corner. I opted for the long road trip on Xmas day, btw.
Oh... yeah... have you asked yourself in the midst of this DBing... how MUCH have you healed? Or have you been so intent on getting this woman back that you have not stopped to consider just how far you have come... and how much your actual feelings for this woman have changed... have you done inventory yet?
Yeah - I had a Pices boyfriend as a young girl. Pure fireworks. My current H is a Libra. His even keel is good for me but...
Excellent comments about making the transition from girl to woman. After 30 I gained far more ownership of myself and my sexuality. It is part of what ultimately caused me to leave ex-H. My integrity wouldn't let me stay. I think that is part of my problem with current H. He doesn't own his own sexuality yet. He is a bit of a late bloomer - (first intercourse at 30yo).
I digress.
Stig,
I do in fact enjoy hanging with you and everyone on this board. I also enjoy lending a "hand" to people here - in a nonsexual way, of course.
Corri gave you some good stuff here. That inventory is key. Once you are clear on who you are, who she is and what YOU want then you can be just as direct as you want. E.g. If you decide you still want her then you can say to her, I want you and if you want me too then we can work on things under the following conditions... However, if you can't meet the conditions or you don't want to be with me then I will continue with my mission. Stig - your mission is to live life to the fullest, to be who you are and to be with only those people who want to be with the real you. NOT people who will kowtow to you but who will appreciate all you have to give. Maybe your WAW just isn't one of those people.
Take a note from Corri - have a great holiday doing exactly what YOU want to do.
Believe it or not, and I hope the other ladies here might chime in... some women do not gracefully transition from being the young hottie to an alluring woman. And it can happen around the age of 30 (did with me). One woman knows she's 'got the goods,' and plays with people (because she is still growing up), the other knows she IS the goods,' and does not tolerate fools lightly. THIS is a woman worth keeping... the former is as dangerous as stampeding elephant in a china store...
Ok Corri, I'll chime in. I think you are making some great points. When H left, I think I also went into somewhat of a MLC mode. I was 34, had two yound kids, H just left. I thought I was pretty "hot" but looking back now on my transition into wife and mother, I think I was not making the most of what God gave me, so to speak. Wasn't exercising, wasn't dressing very attractively, not hideous or anything, just more conservative than I do now. My life was focused on the kids and not much else. Makes me sad now. I lost me. When H left, it was a smack in the face and a great wake up call to boot. I am 35 now (half way to 40) blech. I do feel time slipping by now. But I also think I look better than I have in years. I'm trying to take care of myself. Not to get a man, but for me. H is back and I have no intention of returning to frumpy mode. I'm trying to get from the "has the goods" stage to the "IS the goods" stage as you stated. I am getting closer. I'm worth having my H desire and want me. And if he chooses somewhere down the road that he doesn't, I know that will be his loss. I really don't crave youth but maybe I am still hesitent of aging. What will I be like at 50,60,70. Will I still be sexually attractive. I think it has more to do with attitude than anything so I am working on improving that more than anything. Maybe if I just keep telling myself I'm "hot" I will be even when I'm 80.
Another thing you might want to keep in mind, especally if your wife is into game playing (which she sounds like she is)... while you continue to wait in the wings, the appeal of the OM stays heightened. She's 'getting away' with something... she has at least two men who desire her... in short, your inaction with moving on perpetuates her fantasies...
You somehow have determined that if you start flirting or dating other women, she will 'up' her owm behaviors just to stay toe to toe with you. And if you are playing a game, this may be a real 'fear' for you.
HOWEVER... if you stay out of her sh!t, and concentrate on you... it won't really matter what she does, and she is going to quickly realize it. There will be no more power plays... she will only be left with a departing H, and some guy who is about to lose a lot of his luster.
This doesn't mean she won't eventually opt for OM, doesn't mean she'll come back to you... but until you level the playing field, you've got a woman who is having a grand old time 'playing' at other people's expenses. She will continue to play until she fully understands that 'play time is over.' ie., see BF's history.
