Requiem for a Black Swan (aka Stigmata)

[Stigmata]

Corri,

First of all thanks for the hang in there. T'giving was a monster to deal with. Now, 2 holidays bumper to bumper. I feel like I'm bobbing on a wooden barrel and heading toward the brink of Niagara Falls. May have to go underground at some point to thought-stop.

Now...

To BF, Corri, et al. How do I explain this post nonsense? Deep breath...long exhale.

And Corri, drawing me out (yes, I am watching. This is post 45 btw). In the words of that Aussie at the beginning of Jurassic Park who was thrashed by the velociraptor: "Clevah Girl." (wow, is that a dated reference)

I see a lot of post counts and registry dates and some of them overwhelm me. Now, I'm not ADHD (at least I don't think so) but I do not want to be Dbing one second more than I feel absolutely necessary.

When I detach I am in control of my pain. There are no unknown variables basically. I control my outcome. However, when I keep a vested interest in my broken R it's like feeling hot needles pushed under my fingernails. Chaos reigns. I know, I said I don't fear chaos but I feel I am playing with fire. No control over situation as it pertains to what comes out of the x camp. I'm almost to the point of dreading contact from her. I am Icarus and my x is the sun. If I fly too close to her and she has an OM2 I will crash into the sea.

There are people in other forums who are waiting out their SOs involvement with OW/OM...some months...maybe years even. I don't have that makeup. Going through the first A with OM dismantled my physiology in a scant 2 months. I was head over heels in love. I never let someone else have that power over me and I don't think I will let that happen again--which is a real shame IMO because I will hold part of me back from now on. My life is short IMO. My life expectancy is 76 years and change if I am healthy even. I pass trees on a daily basis that will be here 100 years after I am gone (if I even live that long).

Tangent.

Did you realize if you were to break down the appearance of man/woman on a calendar type representation his/her appearance would appear at 11:59 p.m. on December 31? We're talking about billions of Earth years here. The Holocene starts around 10,000 years ago through today. The billions of years of Precambrian time on the calendar would run around Jan.-July, something like that, starting at 4.5 billion years ago. The Paleozoic, Jurrassic (and you didn't think I could fit 2 totally unrelated Jurassic references in here...smirk), and Mesozoic periods occupy the next few months and we still have 65 million years to go to get to December.

So what's my point? Shrug. J/K Just saying I feel my grains of sand sifting down. I know we all feel it. Time does seem to move faster as we age.

Why the 100 post or 50 post quota for me? Well, I guess because I am here to learn. This love/life stuff is very tricky for me and I don't know if I have the background or qualifications to comment. Doesn't mean I won't continue to do so...just showing you an insecurity. I know. I'm being selfish. I'll grab what I need. Maybe lurk for a while, then split when I need to move on. I hope not though. I like the interaction here. I just needed to warn everyone this is who I am. I am nomadic in a way; a million web sites away in the future and exploring something completely unrelated.

Another deep breath....exhale. But the biggest fear I have about posting here etc. is my tendency to obsess intellectually. If I let myself get sucked in I could be in the thousands and thousands of posts, allowing it to consume my precious time I need to make myself better. I am estimating it will already take me at least a full year to make myself attractive again on most all crucial levels to Fs. And that's conservative. The one that will take me the most time will be the lofty bar I have set for wealth generation/acquisition.

It's also hard for me to reign in my unmanageable thoughts as it is. In terms of my R, I have dismantled my R in my head and put it back together piece by piece at least a thousand times in the past 2 months alone. I'll give you a better, if not very juvenile illustration:

Anyone remember that 90s computer game, "Myst"? A very cerebral and extensive fantasy type problem-solving game on multiple CDs that was supposed to take the average player maybe a few weeks or months to explore and hopefully solve.

Once I hit the first puzzle I could not stop. I dropped everything. I did not sleep. I barely ate. I had to beat it ASAP. My RL suffered as did my health and maybe sanity. I did solve it in around 3 days I guess.

I did not play another game like that ever again after that experience. It scared me, frankly.

And so this is all a roundabout way of saying if I don't tell my brain to watch the post count I will wind up trying to find the R/Dbing solution to every single person posting on this site. Yes, I have issues. Fire away.

-Stigmata-