Both of you tend to take an all or nothing approach to your R. She's either all in or she's out of your life completely.
speaking for me, yes. I gave her another chance. I owned my mistakes and then made apparently another. I dont really give people who F me over a second chance. I warn em once. Their loss. I make deep EC with poeple once I choose to, but in general dont make any with superficial friends. She knew of this and saw this happen. Life is short I dont have time to waste with that kind of lack of boundary on my part. She is the only one I have ever had a hard time doing it with. I still struggle with it at least once a week. If I didnt know the science behind love emotions I would still probably we trying...
This is also a typical male vs female reaction. Dr. Harley mentions it. He also contradicts himself fairly regularly about what should be and what has to be done to reconcile with a WAW. I believe in DBing down to my core, but I dont believe in it at all costs. MWD, as much as I admire and respect her, I disagree with not ferreting out affairs. Love must be tuff, and better it goes with a bang, then a slow wither and wimper.
I made my best effort to make myself open to and available to a true honest reconcil the second time, though I did want the timer of the D running in the background. For me there is no remarriage. People fall back into old ways of relating even after a long time of seperation. For her that means lying, cheating, affairs. No thanks. she proved that twice. She thinks of me as being such a terrible husband and person that she could justify it. Somehow my relating to her, I was unable to provide her with what she needs. Ok. I was unable to fulfill her survival need and provide her with the proper brain chemistry. In her words I am 'bad for her', so-- I will stay away from her. She told the judge that there was no chance, nothing could possible fix our R. I went just so I could hear that. That is her perception of me. Valid. Her words, her choice, and I am no longer going to use my skills with frame control and attraction and knowledge of R/M dynamics.
Im going to stop talking now, cause I dont know which is talking anymore my emotions or my logic. I feel nothing, but my feeling of nothing is slightly passionate in tone.
Mines done. I wont ever allow myself to love another like I did her. (this is why nops says to wait at least a year. so I can calm down.) That makes me sad and feel a great emptiness. Next time, god forbid, the woman will be out at the first inappropriate word, without a word. I will file instantly and if I have kids do everything in my power to retain complete custody of them. Whoever she is will know this.
