Requiem for a Black Swan (aka Stigmata)

[Stigmata]

Although we don't tend to associate with recessive gene MFers Ok, have to make a few jokes here and there. It cheers me up

--LOL. Keep it comin'. I revel in sarcastic/sardonic witticisms. LOL, I just pictured a new Punnett Square with the SSM types. Picture the opening of The Brady Bunch. It's all good. Mix all the homozygous AAs and aas and we'll all be one big heterozygous happy family.

"Back to serious business though. I want to make an observation, related to your style (and BF's). Both of you tend to take an all or nothing approach to your R. She's either all in or she's out of your life completely. Am I wrong?"

--Bullseye, LFL. Got me dead to rights. I keep falling into the trap of expecting everyone else to share my standards. People have different standards. Some have no standards.

I think that might be why x is afraid of telling me truths. She knows I have never hesitated burning bridges, razing the Earth, and salting the soil so nothing will ever grow there again. Probably why I have few friends, admittedly; "associates" or "acquaintances" I call most others.

That's why I'm so thrown here. If x were anyone else they would have been erased from my memory banks long ago. That's how I know it's love. Family and friends are shocked at my stoicism. Where's the wrath? Believe me, I peeked at the wrath monster over this one...and he is a goliath panting in his steel cage. Already gave a second chance with first A/OM. This would be #3...I am in no man's land of unfamiliar territory with this concept. If I had let the monster out of his cage during all of what has transpired there would be zero survivors. He would lay waste and I don't know if I could stop him.

(Nothing to do with physical BTW; not wired that way. Physical harm to Fs is strictly verboten in the Stigmata operator's manual. and if I know an M is doing it he will soon have a much more serious problem.)


"I'm just thinking that maybe trying the "friend" approach might be necessary at this point. Ease your way back into her life again. She clearly wants that."

--Your experience is a vital insight to me, LFL, Keep it coming. I'm a conundrum of brain hemispheric intertwinings/collisions. Unrestrained creative/abstract right brain/logical linear, calculating left. This goes against my deep-rooted Germanic pure logic linear left-brain (at some point I may get back to the equation talk; something about GFactor in QM wanted to discuss. Forgot.

Anyway, what I mean is I can't process being addressed by her in such detached generic terms. And it happened so fast. One second term of endearment, next-Stigmata etc. So cordial/businesslike now. Like I'm a networking contact in that fakey way of address. I want to reach out, shake her and just say, "would you cut the sh*t already?" But I can't. Alien. Sigh. But like I said, it's short-circuiting my logic.

" Let her in some, even if it hurts. I know the holidays are going to hurt. Last year was hell for me. I can empathize with you. Post away, vent, talk to friends, do anything but be totally alone. It's not good for you right now."

--Sigh. Yes. I am remaining receiving and not transmitting. Hard. And if OM2 WAY harder. I can tolerate some normal human lies but if x is continuing to hide behind them I will lose more and more respect.

Should have been an actress. Amazing. Almost convinced me of no A even after irrefutable proof. She will be what causes this whole R to hang in the balance. I know her lying pantomimes and she knows the levels of my perception (or at least thinks she knows).

I'll make it through this, right?
Yes, you will. Without a doubt.

---

--Thanks, Lust. Yes, will be with family. Christmas day will be a long day. Beta wants me to call x. Won't.

-Stigmata-

PS --Blackfoot, I see your post. Yes, will be a good joust. One thing I have to observe here though.

The "letting OM within circle of proximity." I am going the other way on this currently. Removing my hot light on you and directing it to your x. Let's say I have a suitcase of cash opened on the table in my apt. My best friend is watching TV. I go out on an errand. I trust that every single cent will be intact when I come back. If not? This is not my issue or responsibility. It is his alone. Some call it character. The rub comes when the actions of the friend, in this instance, violates our value constructs. Hard to get back to that trust, if ever. Sigh. So do we drop our hard line with our x's? Is there even such a concept as levels of trust? And, if in new R where do we set the bar now?

Like I said. I can't hold others to my standards; they have theirs; some have none. Life is hard enough watching what I am doing/not doing to have to guide others (ie, removing obstacles, temptations that I feel/assume are obstacles, temptations.) Comprendes?