There you are.
And how I found the SSM board anyway I don't know. A convergence of events has lead you here, and I for one am glad you found your way here. Its very selfish of me, I know.

To 90 % of the rest I say,

I concur. Yep so much so its freaky. I know what you were talking about when you mentioned reading my posts, now.

To the 10% of angst I say take a deep breath, slow down, make some definitive plans and goals. Be in control of you. Dont take responsiblity for others mistakes, but dont externalize either.

You are in for a continuation of your ride. It is a rollarcoaster in feeling. T's hate that with a passion.

This has no bearing on anything really, but I met my physical alter ego 2 weeks ago. At my feeding spot. We both just stopped and stared. The bartender I was working with did too, her head was on a swivel. We both noticed that too and it was Quite comical to both of us. In fact most of the staff mentioned something about my brother, etc. Ive lived all over and seen many repeats of people I have known, and bound to happen eventually to me also, but still it was freaky. Im looking forward to seeing what he is like.

I feel that same mixture of feelings again. Whoa this is weird. But as a blonde that would make you my doppelganger, you Germanic MF'er.

I feel your pain, I remember it clear as a bell. I still get the occasional wave. The not eating and dropping so much weight you can littaraly feel your body consuming its own organs for nourishment.

Whew. Thats what prompted me to leave.

Anyways I feel as If I have met my mental doppleganger with you, Its terrifically interesting to me, and I hope you stick around a bit, or at least get in touch with me. My email is posted in my profile. Whats with you and caring about your post count. My life is quite full and busy, though my parasympathetic has resumed mostly normal functioning-thank you, but I have made some virtual friends here.

I second NOP and urge you to deal with the pain, squash yourself and your urge to 'fix things' fight for, etc your R. Know what has to be, to have a good R. You know.
Force yourself to walk down that road. I did it with many mistakes, withdrawals, rants, second guesses, but for me I wouldnt have a M based on neediness.

You up for Belize, with chromo? I was serious. I am not going anywhere I cant get a highspeed IC. (internet connection, not intercourse, sheesh everyone here has sex, sex, sex on the brain. LOL.)


And it's this integrity hardwiring that keeps me from becoming a BF OM type...a womanizing wrecking machine; that's how angry I am feeling at this point

That is not hardwired its a choice and right now a hard one. Your personality does have some bearing on this choice though. I self admittedly went to the dark side divorce day/night. Maybe someONE can make me do what I dont believe in. No, my choice, my response- ability. Lead to hatred of self and hatred of x. NO. not positive I have no need for negative emotions. I learned a lot about her feelings/reactions (I educatedly guess/assume) and myself though from it. Collateral damage was so minimal, no sleep lost there.

So now I'm just trying to rectify memories, do I lock them down and throw away the key per my SOP, or do I consider her deceased so I can remember the good and forget the bad....

You clearly see your mistakes, and hers. You simply cannot show her hers. You have and are a lot to offer. Her loss. Seriously. Truly.

The rest is opiate addiction. Stop the drug. cut it off. I wish I knew of something less painful and quicker then cold turkey myself. Nop if you know of anything other then self control and will I would like to hear it.

Hmmm, maybe I should drop Professor Shulgin a line and see what research chemicals he could whip up for it...

I realized something in the shower today. (its where I like to think.) I was scrutinizing my 'strength's, how might they be my weakness, and I realized again, that I get to far ahead of myself so to speak. Thinking in terms of chess, you see the board you see your opponents strategy, and know where its going to lead. But personally I sometimes forget? to handle the here and now steps. Ill forget? skip my 2nd move, and make my 3rd, because I am thinking of 7,8,9. Which leads me to Fcukerizing myself. . Which is where the advice I received to get out of my head, and into the here and now and react to what IS happening, instead of what you know is going to be the outcome, absolutely brilliant.


My point? Deal with the hear and now. Be authentic to your feelings, bottling them leads to violent venting and explosions.
Sooo. Care to flesh out your sitch more? Ill see thru your angst and BS ravings so go ahead keep getting that out to.
What is the status.

Is she D'ing? Legal seperation? What are your plans? What are your intentions. Did you move out or did she? I see some of her coding allready, and I see that you do too. What are you gonna do with it?

Honestly, though I cant control another, and NOone could get me to do something I dont believe in--I feel I drove my x to D me. I told her to knock off her behaivior, or D me. Took her to courthouse and stood there while insisting she fill out papers properly. During Reconcil. If she wanted to D, Fine. If she wanted to work on us, Fine. If she wanted to hem and haw around. UH-UH. To her credit she didnt want to, and things were spectacularly better when I gave up fear, quit caring, stopped fighting and made my decision.

untill a week later when I snarled on her. Actually I probably bit her a few times too. then shook like a terrier.

Talk about a negative push.

Anyways, whats your plan. What do you want? IF you dont have one you will be willy nilly. Already are, but it will be worse. In my mind I see differences, I dont find you as culpable as I do myself causing my own D.


Oh yeah, Money can get some women some of the time. Forget it. Bill Gates is confidant and self assured, has status, and a alpha. Women dont care about looks. If he was not those things even with money he would get left.

For example look at Nick and Jessica, hes good looking has money. I saw a couple episodes of their show, he was needy and wussy with her. No nookie for him for sure. I could see his confusion, he was trying to be 'nice'.
also there is a bar in NY called TBar? If I remember correctly Its been a while. maybe gone now. Lots of young gold diggers and 3 or 4 decade older very money gentleman. Not a laugh or smile in the place.

Emotions, making them feel good, gets all of them, all of the time. Your 'sin', 'mistake' was not lack of huge money. She 'loved' you before, during and after your successes of the past several years. You know it. In my observations, and now experience, a woman has a A with OM who is good at the ONE thing the man lacks. Its not the reason though.

Oh yes, This is not a death knell. It is a rebirth. You dont get to be a black swan as you are blonde.

Your 15 year loss is great and I feel for you. You chose to love her, and probably remember where you were and when you made that mental Choice.

She was/is terrifically attracted to you and had/has great affection for you.

Have you figured out what your life puzzle is?
Do you know what your crashing insecurities were?


“Ein jeder kehr’ vor seiner Tür, da hat er Dreck genug dafür.”

Much like
'remove the rafter from your own eye before attempting to remove the splinter from your brothers eye'.- paraphrased Mattew 7:3-5

BS artist sales types
Know your enemy. The pincipals taught in sales are pysch sound and not BS. I have gone to several of those seminars, because of previous careers, and a number of CD, DVD courses in my library.

I know what you meant, though.

Didn't know a soul there, which made it that much more interesting Bravo Intro.

Holiday's are tough this time last year we were getting back together, doing family stuff, planning on 2005 being better. Hope you have family to spend it with.

that diamond and platinum ring I gave ....

I won't recycle it in my next R or hock it like I said I would do. Meant for you. It means nothing to me now except broken dreams and failure. You can have it back as a twisted souvenir

The creepy similarities continue...

a BF OM type...a womanizing wrecking machine; that's how angry I am feeling at this point. But unlike that self-deluded idiot I'm lucidly aware of my issues of self-hatred.

He is neither self delusional nor an idiot. He is completely aware and intentionally interested in swaying people to the dark side. He has been this way since he was a child. In light of some new education I think he may be a narcisstic poet. Which means he mimics warriors. and feeds off their energy. I remember one time when he was brutally manipulating a gf I told him to stop being autistic. I believe, I always had his respect because he was unable to sway me in anything. We argued vociferously about politics, morality, and humanity vs being animals. He falls in love with girls he cant sway, but when the capitulate he loses all interest and adds them to his Menagerie of off and on sex partners.

If I believed as strictly in survival of the fittest as he does, I would likely be in some 6 x 6 concrete room despite my thinking I am smart enough otherwise.

Now I hear everyone saying why did you let him live with you. (or maybe thats just my own internal voices.)

She was MY WIFE. She either chose to love me or didnt. She did, untill she didnt. I know now that I put her in a untenable situation. I regret it. I have guilt. I am paying. I wont do it again.

Enough about the deceased. So much more to comment on, maybe later.