Requiem for a Black Swan (aka Stigmata)

[Stigmata]

Journaling....

....brain on fire. Have to write down thoughts and here is as good as any place. Don't like keeping journals at home or on comp.; too much clutter I'll never read again. Anonymity is good. Getting to point of telekinetic threshold and if that should occur I feel this computer will explode into a thousand fragments.

Channeling some heavy duty negative energy and I don't like it. If you're scanning posts looking for success and hope better stay away. I have to get this stuff out quickly like sucking out snake poison.

Is it possible to lock out a thread with a single post? We'll find out. Buckle in, it's going to be a long wild ride...

Thread title due to fact that I no longer believe in mating for life in this society. True love is just something you tell someone else to make you both feel fuzzy. Things getting a little rough? You no longer feel those butterflies of being "in love?" The R getting a little routine and boring? Well, hey! Here's your answer! Ditch the Bitch. Dump the chump. Doesn't matter; always another one coming down the pike. There are numerous "soul mates" not one. Probably true. I've been in too many weddings as a groomsman where the 'soul mates' filed requisite D and moved on to the next so-called soul mate.

Was best man in 2 weddings that ended miserably. One my own brother's that lasted all of 2 months before W told him around Christmas Eve she never loved him. 11 years ago and I know he's still in pain over that one, whether he admits it or not. Who wouldn't be? He gave up his life for her. He moved for her. He gave up his great job for her. Div.'d and buries himself in his work now. She gave him 2 months. Nice. And she was the one pushing for the M. Ah, now that's icing on the wedding cake.

Other M is best friend. D just finalizing now. Before this, they agreed to an S. It moves to reconcile and he finds out she's screwing her D atty during the reconciliation. Two-timing. She actually wants her H, my friend, to go after the D atty. b/c the D atty. dumped her cold. WTF?! He apparently promised her the high life; wine and roses. and she feels spurned. My friend is loyal blue collar guy. Not good enough I guess. Now a D and now a custody fight with a 5 year old caught in the middle.

[sidebar: probably not wise to ask me to be your best man, eh? Black cat]

Narcissists. Egomaniacs. Entitlement monsters. Cheaters. Liars. Instand gratification. Disposable society. Just throw it away if it's broken; buy another one. Gimme, gimme, gimme. I want, I need, I crave, I lust. I want more. I want what he/she has. Why aren't we like the Joneses? You're supposed to read my mind. I'm not happy. I want to be taken care of. You don't make enough money. I don't want to work. This isn't healthy. I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore. I want to get on with my life as fast as possible. I want to find a more enduring love. It's not you, it's me. I need to think things over (without including your involvement of course). I don't picture a future with you. We don't have sex anymore. My needs aren't being met. (Yeah? Drop some of your needs.)

Took board posting hiatus although occasionally scanned posts. Brain in heavy flux, bi-locating between obsessing incessantly over my R to work overload. Curse of the INTP. (another curse is their inability to extricate themselves from bad Rs) BB is therapeutic but I have to stop obsessing and convincing myself things could be worse...I could be 8 mos. pregnant. LOL.

And, speaking of. I know there are Fs on this site in just that sitch. Pregnant and their SOs take off. These are not men. If one of these did this to my sister he would not be long for this world. But that's modern society for you. No accountability for anything...blame others. Run away to save yourself. Hide from your lack of character. But bad things always happen to the good people, don't they? Bad people skate and prosper. But my belief in the afterlife and karma keeps me from giving up on the idea of payback on them.

At one point in late Nov. around 15 hours sleep in 5 days due to business chaos and total inability to concentrate. Past the 2 month point after moving out and am questioning why in the hell I'm even bothering with this DBing stuff anymore since x seems perfectly willing to throw the last 6.5 years of my life away for potentially greener pastures.

And how I found the SSM board anyway I don't know. I technically should be in the 'separated' etc. forums but I just lurk there and elsewhere occasionally. But I have to admit, the stress level in my R over the past few years was so great that it was extremely SS...plague of living in such a life and cash-sucking city.

The collection of types here tweak my limbic system and I'm drawn here for whatever reason. The other forums just don't seem to have the same variety of types but maybe I'm not looking deep enough.

Think The original 100 post question mark I set for myself I may cut down to 50. I don't know. I'm seriously considering buying a cottage on the Black Sea for next to nothing. A dollar can go a long way in Bulgaria. And their wine is nothing to be scoffed at. Or holing up at friend's empty beach house in the Dominican Republic for a while. Argh! Forgot. No Internet.

Guess I'll stay the course and think about that later. The past is past. The future is uncertain. Living in the here and now. Carpe diem. DB is helping with Mind via GAL, however. Starting to lose respect for x...and it hurts; it really, really hurts.

I am really lonely. The holidays are killing me. I fake all my smiles and feel completely dead inside. You can "as if" me all you want but I'm human, for godsakes, not some wacko "a smile is a frown turned upside down!" Pollyannaish automaton robot. Tis the season to be jolly. Uh-huh. I hate being in a cold unfamiliar bed. I hate not wrapping myself around her warm body and falling asleep. I miss her light snoring and her rhythmic movement from her breath. I miss her scent. I will destroy these memories via GAL etc.

Life is hard and so am I. Novocaine for the Soul

Also was negatively charged this past month and absent from the DB BB due to an admitted resentment building after reading posts. Resentful that others are still with their SOs and there is some type of communication or even the tiniest effort to work through issues. Don't get me wrong. I am glad for them, I really am. I admire their efforts for self-awareness and compassion for their SOs. Why can't my x be like you all? This of course is followed by a complete thunder-crack of a feeling of self-delusion and doubt as to my worthiness of even attempting to offer "insights" on these boards anymore since I seem to be completely unable to figure my own Sh*t out as it is.

As an old German proverb goes:

“Ein jeder kehr’ vor seiner Tür, da hat er Dreck genug dafür.”

Or, roughly: Everyone sweep in front of his own door. There’s plenty of dirt right in front of you.

So I saw x for the first time in 2 months last weekend. Stayed at hotel in city while looking for new apt. and going to a Christmas party on Sat. night. X going to birthday party in city with F relative and relative's new BF. Why don't we meet for a drink?

X invited sales guy from her conferences and local res. to the birthday party. 16 years her elder and finalizing his D. My replacement? Normally x and I would have gone to this party for a mutual friend.

Took cab uptown from hotel to have a drink with x etc. in her apparent new booze haunt. Funny, x, you never liked to drink...and especially around me. Perhaps a DB violation not to hit neutral territory or on my own terms but F it, was tired of strategizing and charged neutral; or, in SelfContainedUnderwaterBreathingApparatus terminology, became 'neutrally buoyant for encounter.

Will only stay an hour and split to party. Party was formal so was in best black suit and "go to hell" long black trench. Def. dressed to kill.

Met x, F relative, and wolfpack of x new friends, random sales guy type alphas I never heard about while we were together. She loves being the only F in pack of Ms, always has. Gotta love being tall. Comes in handy in times like these. Nothing like strolling into a crowded bar and being around a head taller than most other Ms...esp. BS artist sales types and cliched obnoxious garrulous Napoleonic businessmen.

Apparently x hadn't even bothered to mention who I was. No one had a clue. Sales alphas were curious though. Made them laugh. Frame control. Mirrored speech patterns/subjects. Laughing inside b/c they don't know I'm being insincere and patronizing. One asked if I was "Bjorn" guy he heard about. Uh, no, go away. Said oh, I looked Nordic; a Euro. , no, try primarily Deutsch with pinch of Scandinavian and Welsh (hence the sardonic cynicism/humor). Yeah, I know. I am the embodiment of what Adolph and the Our Haus gang were trying to create in their quest to create the "master race." Tall, blonde hair, gray-blue eyes, high cheekboned Aryan poster boy MFer.

X used to fondly refer to my eye color as "glacial ice water." Thanks for the memories.

Andhow paradoxical is that anyway? Master race of humans loaded with recessive genes, lol. Come on Adolph, black/brown hair, dark eyes etc...dominant genes in the genotypical/phenotypical Punnett Square. Look in the mirror, you're the 'master race' biogenetically speaking, mein dorf fuhrerr, not this recessive gene reflecting pool. My homozygous alleles are aabb. Yours are AABB.

Went outside to have a cigarette with her. I don't smoke; except for the occasional Cuban or Dominican cigar etc. with my favorite single malt. gave it up for lent years and years ago. X noticing my hair, suit etc. all looked really good and that I also smelled good. Yeah, thanks, you too.

Ex shadowing "just friend" and potential OM2 16 years her senior and in final paperwork of his D. Will lose a lot of $$ in the process but still think he's a millionaire from what I glean from x. Why are they checking in with each other when the other steps out etc? Hmmm. And why did she get defensive about me knowing his last name a few months ago? Uh...because while many other Ms have their heads buried in the Times or Journal or watching some sports nonsense I'm actually paying attention to what you say, sweetheart.

I think I know the answer though and I'm guessing NOPkins would be all over it too. Sigh.

Oh, did I mention all of these alphas prob. make 5x what I make? Ah, $$$, the great leveller. I hate having to think about money so much. I never used to be like this. But I know at my age it's important. And it's important to the x, since if we were to have kids she didn't want to work. Can't live in this city with one salary typically. She did warn me more than once.

And she makes more than me, a lot more. Major male ego blow. It ate away at me. Felt Self sliding out of alphadom. Think she picked up on that scent and started losing respect. Wouldn't be here on the DB boards if I were set for life. I'm pretty sure of that.

And I still don't save but at least am practical. X is anything but. 4k/month on the Amex this past summer? WTH? But I must admit, even the definition of currency is counterintuitive to saving. Currency; etymology from the latin word 'currere,' meaning, "to run or flow." Garbage in, garbage out. Greenback in, greenback out. Stigmata in, Stigmata out.

And like I always told x and other Fs, if you saw a single and available Bill Gates behind the counter of your local Quickie Mart and didn't recognize him you would peg him as a loser dork and wouldn't even give him the courtesy of a hello.

But if you knew who he was and saw him in a room full of the hottest hunks on the planet with waiter jobs you'd be on Billy boy like ants on honey...57 billion dollars will have that effect on a gal. The true cynic in me would say you'd save one of the hunks for a little side A while Bill was holed up in his office all week. Sheesh, gotta ease up. Promised myself no bitterness; useless emotion to me; non-productive as I plan my work and work my plan in life.

She ripped my heart out and went shopping. Crushed me. But did I beg, plead, cry? F no. That's how you feel? So be it. Maybe one day she'll respect me for that.

X pounding drinks out of nerves and getting tipsy. All I could think of was how utterly surreal this was and how the last 6 years of my life had become so completely invalidated as to not even deserve mention from her. My god, we've known each other more or less for almost 15 years. She probably said I was a "friend", wouldn't be the first time. Was going to say who, in fact, I was to them (ie, her 'x') but detached even further. Who the F cares? I don't have to explain anything to any of them; will never see you again anyway so stay out of my grill. Go sit on your fat wallets.

Ding! goes the mental egg timer.Left after exactly 1 hour to the minute for Christmas party. X gave me hug and kiss on neck where her favorite cologne was of course as I was entering cab. A "Bye, sweetie" slipped from her lips. Ooops! Hadn't heard that one since the bomb. Thanks vodka, I owe you. Cab ride there smirked and thought, 'nice to know I played such an important role in your life, x. Not even worth a mention to these guys. Guessit might blow your 'available' rap., huh?' Felt a silent rage coming on as we flew the 70 blocks to the party.

Party was great. Didn't know a soul there, which made it that much more interesting. Thrown by a couple of fun-loving university alums, dot-com millionaires in their mid-20s. Good for you, guys. You guys are cool and actually deserve it IMO. Impressed by the size of their truly massive, MASSIVE loft. I'm guessing the place is running over 15k/month if rented and at least $5 mill if owned. String quartet followed by verrry excellent DJ. Nice.

Already had drinks in earlier encounter with x but kicked it in via hitting the champagne...and hitting it again and again, while mixing in a Stella or two and a couple vintages of good wine. Moderation goes out the window. Guess the x encounter affected me more than I let myself believe.

Anyway 2 young lasses, much younger than I dragged me to the dance floor ant at one point I was dancing with both simultaneously. I don't remember names. Only remember one was a smoking Puerto Rican. I think this is what it feels like to be an alpha again but it's been so very, very long I can't remember.

Got back to hotel about hour before sunrise and slept through checkout. In fact, I was awakened by x ringing my cell. Idle chit chat I don't remember fully due to hangover but do remember her saying she ended up telling her new sales friend alphas who I was after I had vamoosed and they gave her hell, as in she must be crazy for leaving me...somehow they were impressed with the Stigmata persona. Her words. And they're only her words, which have been suspect in the past. If you want any shred of respect from me then tell me the f'ing truth...radical honesty, as Harley says. Don't think she's capable of going radical though. Sigh.

You already burned me once with OM. And I lost 35 LBs in less than 2 months during it. Was/is this OM #2 and the reason behind the ILYBINILWY? If so, please tell me and don't lie again. It hurts more to be lied to than to be told of an A. I can't go through that again. But I already know I won't go through that again.

The heroin sheik look I sported last time is not in fashion today. And my frame can't handle it again. I lost all muscle and bone since I never had much adipose. Probably suffered some organ damage too. I'm already knifeblade thin again.

Have to go heavy/low rep free weights to GAL, gain mass, and get healthy.

But this time is different. We're split. The motional toll from first A with OM was like nothing I had ever experienced before. And I've experienced some heavy duty pain in my life. Read your X-rated chats. BANG! My heart exploded in a fine red mist yet somehow I survived. Lightheaded. Blood drained from face. Couldn't even breathe. My arms both went numb and I couldn't even move them. Shell shock. Caught totally offguard. Only food I could keep down was water with lemon squeezed in it for next month or so.

Going other way this time...a la...

Nutrition: already cut out refined sugars, white flour, and starch long time ago. Keeping low carbs as carbs are brain fuel. Cutting out carbs is akin to starving your brain. Atkin's Shmatkins. Stepping it up. Now going for small farm pasture grass-fed beef; avoiding the pesticides from the grocery store grain-fed beef. organic Omega 3 free range eggs; fish is tricky. Too much mercury in tuna and now salmon--however there is one Oregon supplier with very fresh salmon who ships; alternative is fish oil supplement.

Bastard FDA. high Fructose corn syrup. Manufacturer-invented hybrid sweetner (thanks ADM). Total poison. Look at anything you buy, especially kid's cereal. Hi fructose corn syrup. Corn is for fattening cows, not kids. But it's real cheap. Profit-whores starting adding it to kiddie cereals and everything else under the sun in 1978. It is no coincidence every single year since that year the obesity rate in children has shot up.; it has more than doubled in fact Prior to that...stable.

What the hell am I talking about? Where was I? Oh, yeah...

Huh, what is this? This alleged, unverifiable comment on how alphas supposedly gave you hard time for dropping me? Or is it just a CYA ploy in an attempt to appease me ex post facto and you never said anything? Am I officially promoted from the ranks of the beta...perhaps omega even, to the alpha again?

I don't feel that way, though. I think I'm in limbo-land somewhere. Def. turned into a beta...the betas are the wolves who dote on the pack Fs as they're nursing etc., running errands, supplicating, grooming, letting the alpha mate, lead, and order. The omega is prob. too far down for me. That male is the epitome of submissive. Let's himself get pee'd on, shows his soft underbelly, is ostracized, and only gets the vulture scraps of the kill after everyone else has gorged themselves and nap.

Have dropped the rope, kicked it aside, and have gone dim, to dark again, and now pitch black--even cutting the 220 line in essence. Bitterness and resentment silently creeping over mind like an ominous fog. Gotta keep it at bay at all cost.

I remember the secret now. Humorously macho, as BF once remarked. But also ridiculously confident and assertive. A PIMP. I can do that. After all, I'm doing it now. Think about it, Ms. Which post author do you think an F would be drawn to foremost? This assertive confident rant/post you're reading now or a post from an M LB poster in the same sitch where he was weak, blubbering, crying, confused, and wallowing?

(stimulating Fs 'text-based limbic centers also helps in my case.)

How did I lose that and why didn't I notice it sooner? Ah, yes, the A. Always the A. An A will pull out your foundation faster than anything, man, and turn you into a weak, clingy, controlling paranoiac if you let it--especially if you never saw it coming. It did it to me. No more oversensitive insecure doormat for me, ladies. Go wipe your Prada stilettos off on some other schmuck.

"Life is white. And I am black. Jesus and his lawyer are coming back..."

This is all so unnecessary. We had such an amazing EC. We were best friends, weren't we? Well, at least that's how I felt about you. Same tastes, so much history, so many hardships we weathered together. Even talked about a future baby in same month as bomb. WTF?

And that diamond and platinum ring I gave you from Tiffany's a few weeks earlier cost more than a lot of guy's engagement rings. I asked for it back--way too significant for me. You gave it to me and went ballistic on me for taking it back. Yeah? Well, what did you want me to do? It was given on our anniversary. Wanted to give you back some pain too. Don't worry, I won't recycle it in my next R or hock it like I said I would do. Meant for you. It means nothing to me now except broken dreams and failure. You can have it back as a twisted souvenir.

And make sure it's on your finger when you're in bed with your next M. Bring the pain, baby.

Oh, yeah, and that emotional letter the day after I left? Begging me not to cut you out of my life? You know I'm hard core that way. Can count on one finger the number of people I have given second chances to...you. Friends? I want the cake, you want to give me crumbs. Sorry. You get all of me or none of me. Don't cut you out because "it will just kill me." Well, guess what, I'm not responsible for your pre-meditated suicide.

Only thing keeping my nav. system on track is my values system. Curse of the Taureans. Loyal to a fault. Too loyal. William-freakin'-Wallace loyal. If you're my friend, you desperately need a kidney and I match? Let's go, put me on the table and let's do it. Me kidney su kidney.

And it's this integrity hardwiring that keeps me from becoming a BF OM type...a womanizing wrecking machine; that's how angry I am feeling at this point. But unlike that self-deluded idiot I'm lucidly aware of my issues of self-hatred. I wasn't always this way, admittedly, as I didn't know the extent of my poor self-worth issues. Loved them and left them without much care or concern. Now, at this point in my life, using women by being emotionally shut-down would just reinforce this glaring self-loathing flaw in my persona and turn me into a person unworthy of the air I breathe; plus it's completely immature and a banal existence to me.

Being a player takes energy I can best use elsewhere in my life.

Lest any new DBer looking for PMA should make it this far down my rant I need to caution you not to feed off my vibe. Let it go. It's mine and not yours. DB does work; it really does. I have seen in working on x even if I'm having trouble committing myself to it. Stay positive. The Mind is utterly amazing in what it can accomplish with focus and persistence. And the GAL advice is key. Gotta expect the worst and hope for the best. You'll be better emotionally either way than if you never knew this stuff...sitting around crying, stalking your Xs, becoming the pathetic self-made victim in all of this--Blech!

And if you're on the outs as far as I am I have found this exercise to be helpful. I picture myself at my x's funeral; sitting there looking at her closed casket. She is gone. The person I thought I knew is gone. Then I get up and walk out alone into a picture perfect day. And if I happen to cross paths with the x again during all of this she is, to me, as new as the first day I met her. And I'll treat her that way. As the DR and DB books say you have to become the same person you were that first time if you want them back. And if you don't, at least you're back to exuding attractiveness again for someone else.

Well, enough already. I feel the last few drops of venom between my lips...looks like I got it all out in time before it started shutting down my autonomic CNS. Everything's gonna be okay. I'll make it through this, right?

"Life is good. And I feel great.

'cause mother said I was a great mistake...

Novocaine for the Soul.

You'd better give me something to fill the hole....

Before I sputter out..."

-Stigmata-