Rere, LOL!! Dave was 9 yrs younger than me...when we met I had been separated from my exH for 8mos and in the process of going through the big D. Let me tell you...it was the greatest thing being pursued by him. I had been married for 15yrs. and along comes this gorgeous young man who did anything and everything to try and get my attention...I had no clue that he was flirting with me. In fact it was me that finally asked him out to lunch and the rest is history. So of course I would say being prejudiced of course that it truly is wonderful for your PMA...not to mention that I had my first big O with him....LOL!! Age never was an issue with us...his drinking/depression was our downfall.
But on the other hand I would not bother going to your Hs. When my exH and I were separated he would be hateful and say you don't know what you're doing going through with this D, no one is going to want a single mother with a kid. You're making a mistake...when he met Dave...well let's just say he shut up pretty quickly. There was no comparison...He couldn't hold a candle to Dave nor what we had together.
You are not doing this necesarily to get him jealous...trust me he'll see the smile and glow on your face and let it be at that...Just enjoy yourself and if it works out great have a nice date and if not, trust me there are plenty of men out there. I am 42...and I thought that it would be tough...yes it is meeting men my age it appears...however, my nickname these days is Mrs. Robinson...just ask my friends, if there is a young one, that will be the one attracted to me. Age is just a state of mind...it's more of what you are looking for and how well you get along and if you have what it takes to make it in the long run. The man that I am currently speaking with is actually older than me...and almost 20yrs older than Dave...so while you might think that there is a difference there...haven't noticed it a bit. Age truly is just a state of mind...
Yes, I truly believe age is a state of mind. I do feel a little more hopeful because the other guy (who is a year older than I) just called and I have a dinner date with him on Thursday. Of course, I'm still crying over my H, and still have visions of going to the RV before long. The only thing is, the man who just called is very perceptive, has asked me a million questions about my H. I know he is concerned about getting hurt if we reconciled. Anyway, he hadn't called for three days and I finally e-mailed him and asked him if I should mail the pics I took of him on one of our hikes, I also told him that I've ceased contact with my H. So if I don't follow through with this, it seems I've been lying to him. He is so intuitive and I know he sensed that things were not all the way over between my H and me.
I don't tell my age if I can get away with it, but I could be your mother LOL. I'm glad you're communicating with others. This is strange, but I used to think there was a huge difference between men and women. Now I believe that males and females are really more similar than different.
One of the reasons I'm hesitant to stay dark from my H is because I'm afraid that after awhile if I break it, he won't want a physical relationship with me anymore. Maybe by then he'll be getting it from the OW and he'll know that he can exist without me, and maybe I'll know I can exist without him. I do have to be careful, because my lawyer told me not to have sex with anyone while I was still legally married. My H could use this against me, even though we're separated. Not that I want to have S with anyone else. I'm not serious about these two, but I know the older one likes me a lot--and you can't hold them out for six more months (until we can legally divorce in NC) can you?
I've heard a few places that the way to get over someone is to get involved with another. And then you hear the opposite--not to fall on the rebound. Right now I can feel happy when I'm with someone else, but the minute I'm away from them (and occasionally while I'm with them) my mind and heart goes to my H.
Would you say that you have really moved on? Or do you still entertain thoughts of Dave? I thought that a while back you said you were over him. But I know that some days and different times of the day, my thinking changes. What about you? Didn't you say that he has just about hit rock bottom and lost most everything? I don't want to confuse your sitch with someone else's.
I was told to immediately go and have sex with someone and be done with it...that just doesn't work. You still have all the issues you have to deal with and work through.
A funny thing my exH used to throw at me when we were separated...if you don't have sex with me, I'll find someone else who will...he already had...he didn't fool me one bit and I didn't fall for it...I already knew that there were several ow during our separation...of course he thought I would fall for the "I'm not sleeping with them..." but when Kim (yes another Kim!!) and I became friends afterwards, she quite confirmed that they had been together during our separation...so he was trying to play me for a fool. Just keep your eyes open. I know we want to believe them...but just protect yourself.
I have moved on from Dave. He's sitting here at work now right behind me...I was trying to see if the familiar butterflies were there that I always had whenever he walked into the room...they're not there. But then again, honestly I haven't seen him or his eyes...so that remains to be seen. I do know that the R we had is dead and gone. The man I thought he was is dead and gone. He is down at the bottom and as he told me last month, he has nothing to offer me because he has nothing. I don't think he is capable of offering me what I need or want now...you know...I've changed, I've grown and he's only fallen further back. We're two very different people now...or maybe just me.
I've heard a few places that the way to get over someone is to get involved with another. And then you hear the opposite--not to fall on the rebound. Right now I can feel happy when I'm with someone else, but the minute I'm away from them (and occasionally while I'm with them) my mind and heart goes to my H.
Right, because the other person serves as a pleasant distraction. That's why some say "the way to get over someone is to get involved with another"... but again, it's only a distraction! Just like the OP is to the WAS. And if it's a bad relationship, getting involved with whoever happens to be there, then it's disastrous to get stuck in that off the bat. Hence the advice about rebounds. Better, I think, to get involved with groups of people at first, rather than dates. Make friends, rather than new lovers. After all, the next person isn't the answer, he or she should be the addendum.
The man that I am currently speaking with is actually older than me...and almost 20yrs older than Dave
Speaking as an "older" man who happens to be in that age range you describe (though kicking and screaming all the way!), my perspective is an older guy might be more able to have the kind of relationship most women seek. There's the acquired life experience and its wisdom, the letting go of immaturity, the appreciation for a woman, for something better and the willingness to keep it like that when and if it happens. Took me a while to get there, but I think I'm there. And when women speak with me and get to know me some, they get that sense of difference. Sadly, that might apply to the OM in my sitch, as he's another 8 years older than me. Oh well.
Thanks for your advise. Actually ,I've been involved with groups all along. Have lots of friends at the dojang (the school where I'm a student of Taekwondo), and have other friends. The two men that I'm seeing I met on a dating site. So I did get to know them before we met. I have much in common with both, and am basically just friends with them now.
I've been separated for seven months, and I feel I have to become involved with people of the opposite sex as well as my friends of the same sex.
If I become romantically involved with someone, then que sera, sera. But I really don't see a time limit on any of this. We do things when we're ready period. Sometimes it's hard to know when this is. I've read of people on this forum who still have not moved on after six years. Yet that is what's right for them. I'm still trying to find my spiritual strength and the men that I'm dating and my girlfriends understand this.
I will be eternally grateful to the people on this forum who have supported and encouraged me.
NYsurvivor, do you have a more extensive sitch somewhere on these forums? Are you going to give us a more in-depth update of where you are in you sitch right now? I believe some of us would really like to see this. You are so articulate, wise, and helpful, I can't imagine that you would be without a W very long.
Strong$Sassy,
How strange that your ex was sitting right behind you as you wrote about him! In a way, it's probably good that you see him often. I think when you're with somebody often, the fantasy of the good-times isn't there--you can see the real live person with all of their flaws and issues-kind of like it is when you're living with them and/or married to them.
How strange that your ex was sitting right behind you as you wrote about him! In a way, it's probably good that you see him often. I think when you're with somebody often, the fantasy of the good-times isn't there--you can see the real live person with all of their flaws and issues-kind of like it is when you're living with them and/or married to them.
Oops...that really came across wrong. Sorry...I meant he's behind me as in he works in the store behind me (we're separated by from what I found out today a very thiin wall...either that or he was talking very loud to project through the walls...that's okay, several things today gave me huge causes of laughter that I am sure spread through the door too...ah...now several things make sense...LOL!!
Today was the first time we have seen each other since the ow tried to start an arguement with me, which was right before Thanksgiving. We've only talked once since then when his dad had his heart attack. I wasn't really sure how to be today...but it appears we are okay. I want him to have a comfort level so that he knows that I am not here to intrude on him. This is a job, his first in 6mos since this all happened. I helped him get the job (he doesn't need to know that of course) but its step one for him to get back on his feet...we've actually worked together through most of our R, we were a helluva team according to his dad when it came to business.
Im sure he doesn't know what to expect from me being there. But he will have to get used to me running back and forth between stores. We share a fridge and I do run over there in downtime and throw darts...and I really don't plan on quitting that simply because he is now the manager there. I'll be curious to see if we can at least start warming up the friendship so we can play in the big tourney in January. We had talked about that when we last met so I wonder if he will remember. We do make a good dart partnership and could actually place...he's probably the one guy friend that I would throw with on a professional level. So we'll see what happens there.
Great that you and Dave can have a professional and sports relationship.
One question, do you feel there's any chance that your friendship might lead to something more at some point down the road?
I just had a wonderful date tonight. He brought me roses and took me to an expensive restaurant.
I have a date Friday with the other man. This one is very attracted to me and wants an exclusive relationship "when I'm ready," he says.
I know if I continue to see him that I really have to not break the "no contact" with my H. He wanted to be sure that the R between H and me is over. I assured him that it was, but am seriously thinking of going to the RV on Thursday to see H.
I just don't know what to do. I want so much to be with my H at least part of the time for Christmas. It's just so painful to even think of not seeing him. So you see I can't stop the pattern of breaking up and going back.
Hey sweetie...sounds like a wonderful date...roses too eh? WHOAH!! He wants exclusivety with you when you are ready and you didn't run? I would have run like hell outta there...I went on a date with someone from an online site after a couple of months...and over dinner the guy literally says "So we're going to be an exclusive item, you're going to be my GF?" I just about spit my food all over him...you have got to be kidding me I am thinking...what was your last name btw? I just explained that I was getting my feet wet in the dating game and really wasn't looking for anything. Let's just say he ended up going psycho on me. Sent me hateful emails, stalked me online, showing up at the dart bar (this is why you don't poop where you eat and you don't take dates to the place either). It curbed my dating appetite for quite some bit.
Take it slow honey...very slow. He may be wonderful but right now you are extremly vulnerable. I realized how vulnerable I was early on in all this when a friend was putting the moves on me and one of my MFs stepped in and said dude, back off, you're her friend and she's pretty vulnerable right now...back off k? Of course this was the same MF who had ulterior motives...but all that has been since worked out.
That's why I prefer hanging out in packs of friends like back when I was in school. Safety in numbers. I don't have to worry about anything now. If anyone bothers me, I have plenty of MFs who will take care of the sitch for me. Sheesh, they are making me check in with them while I go away at the end of the month. But that's friendship.
You have been in this sitch just a month more than me...and it wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I announced that I was ready to start dating...and honestly, I wonder too. But now for another reason. Fear. Fear of feeling things again, fear of the unknown, fear of acceptance, fear of being loved...oh the list could continue. I know that I am capable of loving someone. But I don't know how worthy I feel of being loved. Make sense...I see myself already when someone comes up to talk to me, i back off like there is no tomorrow...I'm afraid of building a wall around me that no one will be able to get in.
As for Dave and I...honestly none of us know what the future holds for any of us. It's hard to predict. You read about people coming back after a year or two or even more and rediscovering their love for each other. It's possible I suppose...but at this junction in my life, we are two very different people. We had it all together, we were on top of the world for several years and I don't know that it would be possible to have that again with him.
I don't know if it is possible for someone when they have sunk to the lows of low to bring themselves back up. I cannot go down to where he is. I am not willing to do that. Does it mean that I don't love him...of course i still love him...just like everyone else here still does love their WAS even if they close the door on them. It's a matter of loving yourself more though.
And believe it or not, I'm kinda being respectful to both Dave and Kimmie here. Its quite obvious that she is not very stable mentally...and she is extremly threatened by us having a friendship. They don't need the interference of me in their lives. I could really have fun with it and make her nuts...but you know what...it's not really worth it...if he had wanted to be with me, he knows the address here. Simple as that. I take the higher road and move on.
So did you go to the RV? I am going to bet that you did...don't rub it in his face honey...just know that you had a lovely time...be mysterious about it and smile on the inside.
When you're ready to date, things will work out. Sorry you had such a bad experience with that man, but it's good you found out what an a.....e he was before you got involved with him.
My date last night was nice. And he gave me only three peach roses. Actually, he's only kissed me on the cheek at this point. I really don't think he wants exclusivity with me yet.
But the other one (the older one) is a different story. We have a date on Friday. We talked a long time last night and he told me he was attracted to me and eventually wants a physical relationship--whenever I'm ready--were his words. I think he's also seeing someone else. He knows about my younger guy and I told him I ceased contact with my WAH. He wanted to be sure that my H will not want to come home and reconcile.
And I WILL take things slow. I plan on giving him enough hope that he'll still want to date me, but I'm not ready now for an intimate relationship with him.
I really don't know what the younger one wants. Both like to dance,-which sounds like fun--and the older one and I have fun hiking--even when it's in the 30s here.
And probably because of the support from you and the rest of the wonderful souls on these forums, and my MFs, I DIDN'T go to the RV last night. I came home, put the roses in a vase, wrote a little on the forums, cried some, and then called my daughter in Charlotte.
My daughter had talked to my H on Sunday, and she said that both of them think I'll give in and break the no-contact. Her interest is doubled right now because H and I were suppose to meet D and her H Monday to exchange presents. So she and H are waiting for me to "give in."
Lisa, this will truly be a 180 for me if I can exercise some self-control and not contact him. They both don't think I have it in me--that I'm not strong enough. And especially because of the Christmas season they are just waiting it out. However, my D told me to drive up myself on Christmas Eve-even though they're going to a Football game in the afternoon. So, rather than spending Christmas day with my H as originally planned, I think I'll drive up there. Whether or not the older MF will ask to spend some of Christmas with me is in the air. He's asked me several time what I will be doing. But at this point, I don't think I want to be with any man on Christmas. As my D said, "it's still early, you might change your mind."
I understand your fears of dating and getting involved with someone else. I have all of those same fears. But I really don't think it's healthy to sit and cry over someone who for seven months has told you he doesn't want to be committed to you anymore. And I know it isn't healthy for him to continue to cakewalk with me--hope I used that term right, never heard it used before these forums.
You mentioned that you didn't know if a person (like your Dave) could actually pick themselves up after going so low. My personal belief is that anyone can do anything to help themselves. Dr Wayne Dyer in one of his books says that if we see ourselves as better than we have been in the past, that is reason to believe we can and are changing for the better.
Do you see Dave and his OW staying together? It sounds very good to me that you have put the idea of revenge out of your heart. I know the last time I saw my councelor, he told me I should "get angry," that anger would help me cope with my H better. But I find the more angry I became in the past, the worse I felt. I really think that forgivness, detaching and working on ourselves is where it's at.
Need to get off here, am going down to eat lunch, which will be some of the food I brought home from the restaurant last night.
