There is a fine line when you have children, finances...etc together in a M. I would address those exactly as NYS suggests. It gets easier as you detach from them. Emotions no longer become an everyday issue for you. Then just don't drive your every mental thought...and then when you do have contact you are emotionally detached, you sound more confident and stronger. Example: When Dave phoned the other day about his father having the heart attack. I had tears of course welling up in me and you could obviously hear that but I was not balling...I was still able to think and speak and listen to him as he described everything that was going on. By the time he decided that he obviously still needed to talk to me and called me back I was very much together and really was able to sit there and listen and really didn't say too much other than validate everything that he said. I was no longer driven by emotion when we talked. He obviously found a comfort level there and felt compelled to call back again.
Cake walkers want the best of both worlds...what fulfillment you bring them as well as what the op brings to them. The key of course is to fulfill all their needs emotionally as well of course as physically. I tend to flip flop on the ML part with a WAS. I understand that under certain circumstances it can bring both parties much closer...but from what I have seen in the past from other boards, it also tends to push the WAS further away. I am not sure why...perhaps because the guilt is even more intense.
Cake walkers want the best of both worlds Think this is soooo sooo very very TRUE!!!! Think he enjoys the fun/freedom/feel good emotions with ow; and the homely support/down-to-earth/family feel with me. Plus, I guessed my slightly more endowed body than ow...
I tend to flip flop on the ML part with a WAS. I understand that under certain circumstances it can bring both parties much closer...but from what I have seen in the past from other boards, it also tends to push the WAS further away. I am not sure why I don't know about this, I think it's the physical contact that had allowed us to have this continued connection. I think the guilt on the WAS only happens when we (the LBS) starts harping about the s@x and how could they not feel more?? If we take it a little "lightly", ie, be a little more detached, it could be a positive... BUt I guessed, we could only be detached for only soooo long. Just a thought... Think I may have been kind waffling that I may have confused you guys even more...
Thanks Yoyogirl and Strong&Sassy for your responses.
As far as sex goes, what makes my sitch so different is that we basically had no SL before he left seven months ago. It was stale, horrible, I didn't like it, I really didn't want to live with him until he threw the bomb. Sooo our new SL is a total 180 for me. And it has brought us closer, but not close enough that he only wants me and will come home. I think he feels that we had over 30 years together and it only got worse. I know he's afraid to try again. But the REAL reason is that he's looking for greener grass.
It's funny, he claims there's been no sex with these OW, but last night he looked at my body and said, "There's no other woman in your age catagory who has a body like yours, nobody as trim and in such good shape."
Now, mind you, I was nude when he said this, which makes me feel that he's seen some of these women naked.
Any of you read the same thing into this remark or is it all in my head?
Yoyogirl, I didn't understand "harping about the s@x and how could they not feel more"? Can you elaborate? Do you mean sex? Let me know so I can reply.
I think that casual occasional sex with the WAS might push him/her away. But our SL has been every week for seven months. I would say that's pretty regular.
Okay I've just gone dark, and already thinking I would like to go to the RV one night soon and take it all back.
Okay, Kismet and I are on our way wearing our capes and carrying our whips!!
Honey, you do what you do...and if it works then it works...but if you have been doing this for 7 mos...is there still ow? I am assuming there is...I'm just so scared of all the "stuff" out there you know...plus does it make him a cake walker? Shouldn't you be fulfilling all his needs..and not just his sexual needs?
As for the flattering comment...I hope you said thank you...that was wonderful...don't read into it...accept it as a very loving comment. There are naked women everywhere, nearly naked, etc...men know what a woman's body looks like...don't waste your breathe on it...we women tend to look for ways to talk ourselves out of compliments that men give...we should just learn to shush up and say thank you...we'd get more that way!!
Not really an expert as I am still in deep sh*t but for what its worth...here are my comments.
"There's no other woman in your age catagory who has a body like yours, nobody as trim and in such good shape." I think this is quite common in WAS who continues to have a physical R with the LBS, as in "your are better in bed, you are more beautiful, you have rounder br@asts than ow,m it's more enjoyable with you blah blah blah". It happened in my sitch, and I think it's the same with KDU's. Us, LBS will be wondering "If I am so great blah blah blah, WTF are you still with ow??" I am sure you are wondering that... As for whether he has seen the ow naked and had a physical R, just accept that he had. You would be in denial if you think he has not. Sorry..but that's the truth. I found out the hard way in my case.
Yoyogirl, I didn't understand "harping about the s@x and how could they not feel more"? Can you elaborate? Do you mean sex? Let me know so I can reply.
What I meant was we ladies tend to expect him to feel the love, the tenderness, the closeness blah blah blah and expect to see some kind of "sign" after the s@x session. And when we don't see it, we will be disappointed. Although we may not be complaining in a verbal sense (i.e. the harping), we will communicate it in either in our body language or in our tone of voice. And he will take it that you are expecting an exchange of "commitment etc" with the s@x that you've given. And because he cannot provide the commitment that you yearn for, he feels the guilt. Am I making sense?
Sorry...forgot to add in my last post. Normally, I would say to try to keep the "connection" through whatever means, even s@x (that is if you don't feel sh*tty after the event) with your H whilst he is in La-la Land; but since you've already said GOODBYE, you need to KEEP to your word. Otherwise, he will call you BLUFF. You really have to stand FIRM on this. (I know it is easier said than done...I am good in talking tooo... and may not perform as well )
So...Am giving you lots of hugs ((((((Rere)))))) to be STRONG to stand firm and NOT give-in to H's advances...
Okay I think I understand what you are saying now.
I do feel the tenderness after sex. He likes to hold me and be tender, but he hasn't said ILY for awhile, though I stopped saying it too.
The relationship that he's in now has only gone on for about two months. He met her on Match. They are both off of it so I'm assuming it's a mutual understanding. But I also have reason to believe she's not the only one he's pursuing.
The reason he left me seven months ago was to pursue another one he met on Match. He left the day after they actually physically met. But she refuses to see him, and even told him no contact, but I know he still pursues her and is in love with her (letters I found). I even found a call from her place of business on his caller ID last week. When I'm at the RV if he knows I'm coming he'll hide the phone. But I went there one day when he was gone, I have a key and I went in and there were different nums. on the ID.
This really did me no good, as I found more info in the trash he had put out in front of our house that morning.
OH how I wish I hadn't gone through it! Knowledge may be power, but if you're so depressed by it all and wish there were a way out of the pain that is socially acceptable, you know that isn't worth it. I'm sort of backsliding to where I was when he first left, not being able to eat much, having lots of problems sleeping, crying all the time, can't concentrate on work and other things. It's probably this time of year too. I'd like to just go somewhere and get away. If it were not for my two little cats I would leave for a couple weeks. Thanks so much for your comments and support. Rere
Thanks for your comments, guess I need to be whipped into shape!
Yes, it's been seven months, but he has had this OW for only about two. He has trouble keeping them. But I think he found a needy one this time. He's looking to see what it's like to be "in love" with somebody else-to compare a new R and SL to ours. He's looking for someone to fix him. It's soooo obvious.
And I also had a few dates. I think I wouldn't feel so bad, but one gentleman about my age took me hiking and the movies four times, called every day and I haven't heard a word from him for four days now. I think he didn't want to get involved with me because he sensed that my H and I are not really through with one another. I'm seeing another one who is a few years younger than me, but there is really no connection and I feel he has problems. Suppose to have a date with him tonight.
Yes, not many people on here are actually seeing other people, but I'm lonley and also wanted to make my H jealous. He may be a little jealous, but not enough to come home.
Sorry to be rambling on so. It's 8:30 am and I've fed the cats and forced myself to eat something. I feel so sick and depressed. It's getting harder and harder to face this constant pain. I can feel peace for very short periods, but the peaceful place is becoming more and more non-existent and nothing seems to be working.
You don't have to "date" other people just get out and mingle. Ask any of my friends...I have the world's greatest group of friends that all know the crap I have been through. When I stood up at the bar a couple of weeks ago and said Okay I'm ready...let's do this dating thing...everyone started clapping. It was hilarious. They all said it was about time. Of course they started looking around the bar for potential suitors and well all looked at each other and I said, no...we don't go out with anyone from here...don't poop where you eat!! But let me tell you a little flirtation or conversation with someone from the opposite sex does a world of wonder for your PMA. I know...boy do I know. I think it's what helped me so greatly change my life around from sitting and waiting to getting back out and living my life for me. Does it mean I'm going to fall in love, blah, blah...only time will tell...but it sure does feel good to have the blood flowing through the veins again and to be able to laugh and feel human again.
I know exactly where you have been...sweetie I was there too...so far down that at some point I gave thanks to God that I had a daughter to keep me going. I've lost so much weight from stress that my friends worry about me. It's almost 6mos for me and now I look back and wonder why did I even put myself through this.
I've read and read and as my daughter says I have quite the library collection of R books. I can stand now a bit more confident, my head held up a bit higher, I am okay. I have faced my greatest fear (losing him) and I have survived...you will get there too and you will be stronger and more confident and through that you will decide what you want in life.
Regarding jealousy...men do get very jealous...sometimes I think we forget and take for granted their very frail egos. You don't have to actually do anything, okay? if it makes you feel more comfortable, do what HopeFloat is doing, we're showing her how to be more mysterious with her H. Not answer calls and even are trying to convince her to leave mysterious signs at the house when she goes away for Christmas. It all boils down to GAL and raising your PMA so you are mentally and physically healthy and you are no longer driven exclusively by the rush of emotion that we all had initially when this happened to us. Through that you can step back and out of your body so to speak and see things clearly.
I've been responding to jeanb's sitch. We do have a lot in common, except our ages. But the SL sitches are very similiar.
I do have a date tonight, and like I said, he's a little strange. He's 9 years younger than I, and sometimes calls and cancels like last night (said he fell and cracked some ribs (he paints commercial places). Anyway, he did call me about 6 times last night. I don't feel that much will come of this, but at least it gets my mind off of my H for awhile.
It sounds like I'll have to read up on the "mysterious" things that you are suggesting to HopeFl. I beleive that the mystery and 180s do keep them wondering and curious.
You know, Strong&S, I'm having thoughts of going to the RV after my date tonight. For one thing, my date (he's Italian) will take me to a nice restaurant and we'll have a little wine, so I'll be in a good mood. Maybe I should just go and say "hi" to my H and of course I'll mention where I've been and with whom. I know--I'm beyond hope and not at all conventional. When you get to be my age and a person 9 years younger than you wants to see you, this shows you that a little botox works wonders!!!
)