FWIW I'm married to someone who in the past always appeared unemotional, very cold....flat-lined as I call it. He's changing in that regard though....but it's taken me telling him specifically what I need to see from him. "Honey, your words and your voice, or expression don't say the same thing." As I've told him before, "you tell me you love me, but I don't hear it in your voice, I can't see it in your eyes." This has changed...it's taken our MC getting him to hear the difference in his voice though. I was able once to give him an example of a time when I could hear the emotion in his voice...our C got him to listen to himself saying it both ways....he could hear the difference and that helped him to understand, but it had to be very specifically pointed out to him.
LFL...yes, you may be on effort #9,000 by now....but so be it. I'm willing to bet your H is trying in his own ways too, but taking stabs in the dark...and may very well have the same take on it you do as far as the effort dept. goes....but you two just haven't found the right approach for you two...yet.
Honeypot is absolutely right...you do have a vaugeness to your wants/needs of your H. I used to as well, and I think Honeypot will tell you she did too. I cannot tell you how much better my H is doing now that he's been given the tools necessary to meet some of my needs emotionally speaking. Yes, I've had to be specific, yes, I've had to repeat myself. I even had to get so specific I thought it ridiculous....but that is what it took. My H couldn't work with vague, that kept him taking stabs in the dark....not much chance of success with that, especially when you mix in the fact that I'd get resentful because he STILL wasn't giving me what I needed.
You said something that just popped right out to me
Quote: But once again, he hears what she is saying but can't really FEEL it. Feel the fact that his unemotional reactions are going to tear us apart. If he did, he would be responding, right?
Answer: nope, you're projecting what you would do onto him. I did the same thing with my hubby not all that long ago, so I know why you would say that.
My H did the same thing LFL, but you are assuming by his lack of response that he doesn't care, or doesn't feel.....BZZZZZZ like I said before, wrong answer! Did you think that possibly at this point he doesn't respond because he knows you are testing him and he's afraid of giving the wrong response? So no response is the safest way to go? My H often didn't respond to things on the exterior, it's part of the personality trait that goes along with his profession....I don't know what your H does, but it could also possibly go along with his. I know how frustrating it is to deal with someone so flat-lined, but there are emotions in there...and it can change.
Telling your H that you want to see the "real him" IMPO is still too vague, I know this from personal experience now. I used to get that blank look from my H too when I'd say stuff like that. In his view he was letting me see the real him, but what he wasn't doing....was bothering me with stuff he thought I would think was trivial, or upsetting, uninteresting, or stuff I should just know....but I found THOSE were the key to me seeing the "real him". He wasn't intentionally hiding anything from me, he just didn't know that's what I was talking about. Once he began communicating those things to me....the EC started coming on it's own and coming back fast. Just tonight I heard "I love you" from him, and I could feel it as well. Give him direction LFL, he needs that from you in order to succeed.
