HP So you think I am too vague. I don't think I usually am but I may be guilty of some of that when it comes to solutions with H. Probably because I do not think it boils down to A plus B then C. I do not think like that. Way too logical for me. So one of my faults is I think illogically quite often. When I am illogical, I rationalize my actions. Once again, defense mechanism. Probably run too much on emotions. WAAAAY too over-emotional. Another fault. I read people through their emotions too. Not always the best strategy, especially when it comes to H who is so unemotional. If he is acting unemotional I often equate that with indifference, doesn't care, doesn't love me enough. Probably why sex is such an issue for me. It's hard to not be emotional during sex but it can be done. I can honestly say that I don't think H and I have truly MADE LOVE during sex. It has been good sex at times, hot sex, release sex, but not ML. I truly cannot imagine H being that vulnerable with me, even now. Maybe I expect too much from him, from people. Another one of my faults. I am a passionate person and when people don't bring that intensity I guess I assume they are not as interested in me/it whatever it happens to be. So when it boils down to it, I fear I am asking H to be something he is not. Someone who is able to express his emotions quite easily, whether good or bad. Yes, he can make improvements, already has been. I fear it will not be enough for me. I fear I will never get to a place of acceptance with him/us. I fear I will never find someone who will meet this need. So in the end, I have to go without. If I was 100 years old and on my deathbed, I would rather say I lived a beautiful, loving, passionate, exciting life than that I simply made through to the end in one piece. We ultimately die alone. I don't want to have regrets, at least not major ones. Anyone can get through a boring life. Maybe I thrive too much on chaos, the unknown. But that's not really true. I just want what I want and wont be made to feel guilty about it. I deserve to be happy just like anyone else. Nop, you asked in another post about maybe divorcing H so he could find someone else. H and I had that exact conversation last week. I told him maybe he would find someone who was less emotional, a better match for him. He scoffed that off. Says he wants me. That he likes how emotional I am most of the time. That's great for him but what about me. Maybe I would be better off with someone more emotional. Then again, maybe we would clash. I'm off on a tangent. HP, you asked about meeting H needs. He states I am meeting his needs now, other than the housecleaning lol. So do I trust his words? He won't tell me if he has other needs in mind. He has stated he wanted us to be more independent. That is what we are doing. I am working, I have my own friends, etc. Another reason the "open book" idea might backfire on his own needs. I think he sort of likes the fact that he doesn't really know what I am up to all the time. Mysterious or something. Not sure. He mentioned several times that we used to be boring so that is certainly not the case now. So I am doing pretty much what H always wanted me to be doing. The irony is that it may push me away from him in the end.
