If the place I am in was so great, having lost everything I worked for, I wouldnt be here encouraging others to stick it out. So are you saying you regret not making the reconciliation with your W work? Do you REALLY think it was workable considering all of the hurt and betrayal? How could you trust her again? It's not apples and oranges. It's the same response - I can no longer trust this person and therfore, the M is not workable long-term. (Trust, respect, commitment, remember?) Even if your ex did everything possible to try and show you she was wrong and wanted you back, I don't think you would have been able to handle that. What makes me so different? Not that I am not trying but it is sooo hard.
Give it to your H and he will give it to you. I am not giving him as much validation as he has been giving me lately, probably because I do not trust what he says. He validates quite frequently now but it does not really sink in with me. I like it, but I also think, it's coming from this man that will do just about anything right now to prevent me from running for the door. Maybe that is twisted logic but his words are not as meaningful to me as his actions. On a similarly diabolical note, the emotional connection I crave/need/want can only be achieved thru words. Talking about our deepest thoughts and feelings. I just cannot do that with someone who has proven he is untrustworthy.
the fight with your H left you shaken? Did you do my recommendation? Communicating with your body is a powerful tool. It speaks directly to the mind. words can be twisted, disbelieved, filtered, etc. Body language. very difficult to ignore. Well, this is one area that has improved ironically. I have been forcing myself to reach out for him and it does help. Have had some good cuddle time and even sex this weekend. I realize though that it is not enough for me. He is able to give me a mind-blowing O. So? I can do that myself. I want to feel connected to the person I am with through not only the sex act but the words he speaks to me on a daily basis.
I didnt go thru the torture of waiting and giving x a chance for us to have a healthy R to run into some BS make myself feel good and use someone R. You don't even know what torture is my friend. You have closure. Try living a life of contradictions, indecision, confusion day in and day out. Could drive someone mad. I know you are hurting but it is a different hurt. That is the part I somewhat envy. The road ahead is unknown for you. But I am confident you will find what you are looking for BF. You wouldn't settle for less.
Male female Rs are about attraction. piece of cake. up, down, in out every 2 years. chaos, not true intimacy. I know. I am no longer in that "high" phase that I was in during the separation. Being with om even though he was not right for me. Great sex. Big deal. I can find that anywhere. I want intimacy. I want an amazing connection. I want love.
Seems to me, as usuall, he is giving to you, what he wants FROM you. This is him giving you power. Will you use it to make the R stronger, or punish him? Hmmm.. Not sure about any of this. I honestly do not feel like I am capable of giving him what he wants right now. On the other hand, I am still trying to figure out what I want and who I really am. Not the same person I was before and I need to see if the new me really can have the M I want with the new him. How many people would marry the same person again if they had the chance? People change. Sometimes they change too much. That may be the case here.
I'm being a real bummer in the past few posts. The odd thing is, H and I have been having a good time, doing things together, having sex, just getting along in general. I would say the M right now is not in critical mode but there is not real connection, no real passion. Maybe I am shooting too high here but I know those things exist and I want them. Does that make me a bad, selfish person?
Hi Nop Interstingly enough, H says he really has no issues with me seeing om. I know...BS. But that is what he SAYS. See what I mean? I do not trust his words. And why would he not have issues? Not normal. Most men would, right? Not him though. I would welcome him bringing up anything he would like to about the R I had with om. That would be real.
Quote: ---------------------------------------------- Interstingly enough, H says he really has no issues with me seeing om. ----------------------------------------------
Okay, so he is either wallowing in the guilt of his abandonment, or he is hiding something that he did while separated.
Which do you think it is?
I promise you, movies of your relationship with other man play in his head.
Both of you must process his abandonment and your affair before you are going to find real intimacy in your lives. You really can't meet each others needs while eating a bunch of resentment. No ostriches.
A direct question for you. Have you been in contact with the other man, or is there someone you currently have an interest in?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Hi LFL... Also, when you get a chance, it would be helpful for me to hear a description of your marriage prior to your separation. What were your feelings for him as the marriage progressed and at the point of separation? I feel you may have resentment which began a long time ago.
Okay, so he is either wallowing in the guilt of his abandonment, or he is hiding something that he did while separated.
Which do you think it is?
Well, I know for sure he is guilty about the abandonement. The other one, not so sure of. No proof of anything other than I know he contacted an ex from college last summer. I know he also has friends on the internet. Claims they are all male (related to one of his interests). But he shows no interest in what I am doing or not doing. Seems odd considering the separation/affair. He thinks we need to be able to "do our own things, have our own interests". I agree we were too enmeshed before. Maybe we are going too far the other way now though.
Have you been in contact with the other man, or is there someone you currently have an interest in?
No and no I assume the implication is that I will not be able to truly work on the M if I am holding on to some other person. I do see your point. But what about just the idea of another person. Anyone can have those thoughts. Am I to go through life ignoring the fact that there are incredible people (men) out there who could be meeting my needs much better than H? Can one person or should one person be meeting all my needs? This is where I get stuck. My H has made mistakes, he has his own issues, but he is a good person and a likable person. But there are things that I will never be able to get from him. If I cannot get from my H the very things that I highly value in life (ec, love, passion) then are you saying I need to deprive myself of that the rest of my life? Because the trade off is lose my family (something I also highly value), get divorced. It does come down to that choice right? Black and white? No grey.
Quote: --------------------------------------- Well, I know for sure he is guilty about the abandonement. The other one, not so sure of. No proof of anything other than I know he contacted an ex from college last summer. I know he also has friends on the internet. Claims they are all male (related to one of his interests). But he shows no interest in what I am doing or not doing. Seems odd considering the separation/affair. He thinks we need to be able to "do our own things, have our own interests". I agree we were too enmeshed before. Maybe we are going too far the other way now though. ---------------------------------------
I think that you both need to be an 'open book' to each other. His lack of interest in you suggests that it lies elsewhere. I very much doubt that he has no interest at all. If you both are open book and honest about how you feel, then you can address the issues in your relationship. I think that both of you are hiding far too much from each other. You can start by telling him how hurt you are about the lack of intimacy in the relationship.
Quote: --------------------------------------- I assume the implication is that I will not be able to truly work on the M if I am holding on to some other person. I do see your point. But what about just the idea of another person. Anyone can have those thoughts. Am I to go through life ignoring the fact that there are incredible people (men) out there who could be meeting my needs much better than H? Can one person or should one person be meeting all my needs? This is where I get stuck. My H has made mistakes, he has his own issues, but he is a good person and a likable person. But there are things that I will never be able to get from him. If I cannot get from my H the very things that I highly value in life (ec, love, passion) then are you saying I need to deprive myself of that the rest of my life? Because the trade off is lose my family (something I also highly value), get divorced. It does come down to that choice right? Black and white? No grey. ---------------------------------------
Everyone has thoughts at times, LFL, it's what you do about it that counts. As for one person meeting ALL your needs, yes, it can be done.
If you are wanting to get your sexual needs meet elsewhere and remain married, all while your husband is oblivious to your actions, then that is cheating. If the two of you want to have an 'open' marriage, there is only a fraction of a chance that it will last more than a year or so.
If you want to take a chance on someone else trying to meet your needs then divorce this man so that he can have a chance with someone else. I will tell you this, starting fresh just means that you have a lot of the same relational work to do over again. Relational issues don't go away with someone new, they just change - and not necessarily for the better.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
it would be helpful for me to hear a description of your marriage prior to your separation. What were your feelings for him as the marriage progressed and at the point of separation? I feel you may have resentment which began a long time ago.
Great questions. Yes, the resentment on my end definitely started way before he left. I always had issues with the level of ec/intimacy/sex we were having. As you recall, H never was comfortable having oral, never wanted to feel negative feelings, never would give me a real/honest assessment of how he was feeling about just about anything. Seems crazy looking back on it. I let it go on I guess. Although I always brought up the sex issue throughout our M. Nothing ever got better. I've also talked about having elaborate fantasies about other men, about having love/passion/ec. All the things I crave. I often find it quite amazing that I never once had an ea or pa before the separation. I knew that would probably seal my fate (him leaving). I did not want that and then Bam, he left. Oh the irony. So I went about fulfilling the very things I craved and met om. But even om was only meeting my one need: hot sex. He was not someone I could form a real loving bond with and maybe that was fate as well. I think I would not have gotten back together with H if om claimed to be madly in love with me. I could give up the hot sex to have my family back, but mad, passionate love? That would be much harder to give up. The fact that I had been tormented in my mind with all of these feelings from the beginning of our M, and H claims he was happy as a clam until just the last few years really pisses me off. I stuck it out, sucked it up, stuffed my pain when nothin really changed, why couldn't he? So you see the dilemna. While my H was not able to meet many of my needs, I could always depend on him to be there for me, my stability, my family, my future. Well, he through that out the window too when he left. So what am I left with here? Someone who I have history with and the father of my children. He never said I negative word about me, laid a hand on me, had any addictions, etc. He has some mental health issues for sure (depression, maybe some ocd) but overall he is a good guy. I just don't know if it is enough anymore. He burned me once and I don't want to get burned again. I could be finding happiness with someone else, maybe. No one is perfect but at least the resentments would not be there. The kids are my rock now. If it wasn't for them, I would not be doing any of this. They will always be my children but they do not always need to be raised. Am I just killing time? I can't live like that. Yet...I am.
If you are wanting to get your sexual needs meet elsewhere and remain married, all while your husband is oblivious to your actions, then that is cheating. I am not getting nor plan on getting my sexual needs met outside the M. I think I got the sexual stuff out of my system with the om. I also can have fairly good sex now with H. The issue of my needs lies more in intimacy (but not sexual).
Make a gesture toward your hubby. Give him access, passwords, etc, to all your email, IM and other accounts.
Do you think he will reciprocate?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I don't know if he would reciprocate or not. Probably. The thing is I do not want him to be reading some of what I write, my private thoughts. So I am not comfortable giving him access to everything. Is that completely wrong. My guess is you will say it is. What about access to this board. Many people do not want their S on here reading what they have expressed in times of pain, etc Can't a M couple have Some privacy?
