it would be helpful for me to hear a description of your marriage prior to your separation. What were your feelings for him as the marriage progressed and at the point of separation? I feel you may have resentment which began a long time ago.
Great questions. Yes, the resentment on my end definitely started way before he left. I always had issues with the level of ec/intimacy/sex we were having. As you recall, H never was comfortable having oral, never wanted to feel negative feelings, never would give me a real/honest assessment of how he was feeling about just about anything. Seems crazy looking back on it. I let it go on I guess. Although I always brought up the sex issue throughout our M. Nothing ever got better. I've also talked about having elaborate fantasies about other men, about having love/passion/ec. All the things I crave. I often find it quite amazing that I never once had an ea or pa before the separation. I knew that would probably seal my fate (him leaving). I did not want that and then Bam, he left. Oh the irony. So I went about fulfilling the very things I craved and met om. But even om was only meeting my one need: hot sex. He was not someone I could form a real loving bond with and maybe that was fate as well. I think I would not have gotten back together with H if om claimed to be madly in love with me. I could give up the hot sex to have my family back, but mad, passionate love? That would be much harder to give up. The fact that I had been tormented in my mind with all of these feelings from the beginning of our M, and H claims he was happy as a clam until just the last few years really pisses me off. I stuck it out, sucked it up, stuffed my pain when nothin really changed, why couldn't he? So you see the dilemna. While my H was not able to meet many of my needs, I could always depend on him to be there for me, my stability, my family, my future. Well, he through that out the window too when he left. So what am I left with here? Someone who I have history with and the father of my children. He never said I negative word about me, laid a hand on me, had any addictions, etc. He has some mental health issues for sure (depression, maybe some ocd) but overall he is a good guy. I just don't know if it is enough anymore. He burned me once and I don't want to get burned again. I could be finding happiness with someone else, maybe. No one is perfect but at least the resentments would not be there. The kids are my rock now. If it wasn't for them, I would not be doing any of this. They will always be my children but they do not always need to be raised. Am I just killing time? I can't live like that. Yet...I am.
