The thing I see you doing though, is potentially putting your H in a position where he can't win with you....when it comes to trust. You may not be ready yet, but at some point you are going to have to decide to take what he says at face-value. I see your point. I honestly don't know if I will ever get a place of accepting what he says at "face-value". I can learn to live with him, enjoy his company, raise our children, maybe even have great sex. But trust? no. Not the way I think I did before (naively). There is some trust, otherwise, I would not be even attempting any of this. I guess what I am saying, is that I am hyper-sensitive to the state of the M. That can be a good thing though. I have some hope that trust will build.
are you jealous of the fact that he actually left? The reason I ask is because of how you've phrased some things in regards to that "getting out and looking around" stuff like that. I'm just curious....but is it possible you feel like, you did it....I should be able to do it too? I am not jealous of the leaving part (literally out of the house). I do not want that. I would not want to leave my house and kids. But like I was saying to BF, I am jealous of the freedom. In a sense, when he left, he gave that to me as well. I was able to have my nights free while he had the kids and I went out, dated, etc. Even though it is not all wine and roses, it can be a little difficult going back to typical M life again. I remember when he first moved back in, I felt like he was always just around. In the kitchen, at the computer, in front of the tv. I missed my alone time. No more days without the kids. Lol. Come on, there were some pluses to the separation even if I thought it was going to devastate me when it first happened. I guess part of me is angry at him for "letting" me experience that. STupid to blame him for my own reaction, but if he never left.....ignorance is bliss and all.
