Yeah, it's sometimes tough to get the trash from the past out of our heads isn't it....and that, as you arleady know, is what YOU have to work on.
The thing I see you doing though, is potentially putting your H in a position where he can't win with you....when it comes to trust. You may not be ready yet, but at some point you are going to have to decide to take what he says at face-value. Right now I can easily see how when he says something when you confront him you may be thinking "yeah, but you lied to me before." so you don't believe him, you don't trust him. But you aren't (at least as far as I see) giving him something he can really do to rebuild that trust.
I'm going to throw something out there, but it's one of those little things that's niggling away at me.....are you jealous of the fact that he actually left? The reason I ask is because of how you've phrased some things in regards to that "getting out and looking around" stuff like that. I'm just curious....but is it possible you feel like, you did it....I should be able to do it too?
I'm wondering that because if you do have this underlying jealousy...I can easily see how you would subconciously sabotaging your R in order to get "your turn".
