Thank you everyone for your support.
I was going to stay away from the board for a while but I really need some perspective from people who may be in the same place as me. Not too many people I know irl are dealing with any of these issues so I highly value this board.
My H and I are still in the same household but we are struggling terribly right now. Actually, I am struggling terribly in terms of not accepting the positives, only seeing negatives.
Interestingly, H has been seeing the complete opposite the past few days despite our continued fights/issues. He is grateful for what we have even if it needs major reconstruction.
We were on the verge of S/D a few days ago and I felt an odd sense of relief, although terrified at the same time. Now, he is stating he will not be leaving, has no intention of ever leaving. I will have to be the one to do it.
I don't want to leave and yet I feel very trapped in the way the M is going. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. I feel pretty depressed although still functioning ok. Getting to work, dealing with the kids, etc. Even have plan to go out with friends soon. Oh, and I'm on an 8-week tone-up regimen at the gym. So I am continuing to GAL even though the M is sputtering. And sex? Forget it. Not even on the radar right now. Not helpful for this HD.
I am angry at myself at times for feeling so selfish (wanting to leave my M for greener pastures) and also cowardly (for not being able to take the leap). Probably a large part of my problem is that H was able to take the leap and then came to some peace about the whole thing. He took a risk, a big one, and now wants to go back to what he feels is the right/best choice. He checked out "the other side" looked around for a while, then decided it wasn't cracked up to be what he thought, and here he comes back to me. It's much different on my end when you are forced onto "the other side" and have no resolution about returning. I could have made it on the other side I think. H didn't/couldn't/wouldn't. I think I lost respect for him for both leaving and then returning That's sort of F-ed up but that is how I feel. How can he win with me?
I have asked him several times lately WHY he wants to be with me if this is how I feel. He says because he appreciates all the little things now that he was blind to before. Sure he still gets mad at me but he gets over it much quicker. He can live with a higher level of discontent. I think I am also envious of him now for being able to do that. Why am I still suffering when he seems much less conflicted? It's not fair. But, no one said life or M was fair.
So in a nutshell, I am not running off to divorce court and neither is he. The problem still remains, however, what are we going to do about this M? If neither one of us is willing to break it up, we need to get back on the horse and try to fix it. I am working my way towards that way of thinking AGAIN. blech. Just tired of the merry-go-round/roller-coaster. Will it ever be resolved? I have to tell myself YES, one way or another. There will have to come a point in time where I am feeling fairly content (not ecstatic, I'm still fairly realistic) in the M, or I will need to get out. Yet, I do not want to lose any of my passion, my hope for a better R. As a HD woman, I value a close ec with my SO. When it is lacking in the M, it is like a knife in my heart. It hurts more than my words can express.