{{{LFL}}}} I recognize the place you are in...both you and H have ambivalent ( but intense)feelings about the marriage and life feels like an emotional rollercoaster. He feels this too..he just expresses it differently. One of you eventually has to step up to the plate to see it through; otherwise, you go round and round in circles, with moments of great connection followed by despair.
Don't put too much weight into any particular " down"...especially one that is occuring at the brink of New Years, a time filled with lots of mixed emotions. I am in a down phase myself right now, coupled with the fact that all of us are sick here. Sounds like a good time for the two of us to go on a guilt-free chocolate binge, whaddya say to that?
I'm sorry. Take a deep breath and try to just be. This particular argument, phone call etc... may have meaning, it may not. Just try to comfort yourself, center yourself and things will eventuallly shake out one way or the other. It is good to fight for a M and sometimes it is good to stop fighting that windmill and just fight for your own sanity. I'm not saying to D or not to D. I'm just saying to take care of yourself and the rest will unfold over time.
Take care of yourself and try to have a Happy New Year!
Sounds like you and I are in the same place right now. All I can say is hang in there. (H is moving out so he says).
Don't know what lead to the fight but hopefully once you have a chance to breath you can find a way through were you are and start heading back to were you want to be.
Thank you everyone for your support. I was going to stay away from the board for a while but I really need some perspective from people who may be in the same place as me. Not too many people I know irl are dealing with any of these issues so I highly value this board. My H and I are still in the same household but we are struggling terribly right now. Actually, I am struggling terribly in terms of not accepting the positives, only seeing negatives. Interestingly, H has been seeing the complete opposite the past few days despite our continued fights/issues. He is grateful for what we have even if it needs major reconstruction. We were on the verge of S/D a few days ago and I felt an odd sense of relief, although terrified at the same time. Now, he is stating he will not be leaving, has no intention of ever leaving. I will have to be the one to do it. I don't want to leave and yet I feel very trapped in the way the M is going. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. I feel pretty depressed although still functioning ok. Getting to work, dealing with the kids, etc. Even have plan to go out with friends soon. Oh, and I'm on an 8-week tone-up regimen at the gym. So I am continuing to GAL even though the M is sputtering. And sex? Forget it. Not even on the radar right now. Not helpful for this HD. I am angry at myself at times for feeling so selfish (wanting to leave my M for greener pastures) and also cowardly (for not being able to take the leap). Probably a large part of my problem is that H was able to take the leap and then came to some peace about the whole thing. He took a risk, a big one, and now wants to go back to what he feels is the right/best choice. He checked out "the other side" looked around for a while, then decided it wasn't cracked up to be what he thought, and here he comes back to me. It's much different on my end when you are forced onto "the other side" and have no resolution about returning. I could have made it on the other side I think. H didn't/couldn't/wouldn't. I think I lost respect for him for both leaving and then returning That's sort of F-ed up but that is how I feel. How can he win with me? I have asked him several times lately WHY he wants to be with me if this is how I feel. He says because he appreciates all the little things now that he was blind to before. Sure he still gets mad at me but he gets over it much quicker. He can live with a higher level of discontent. I think I am also envious of him now for being able to do that. Why am I still suffering when he seems much less conflicted? It's not fair. But, no one said life or M was fair. So in a nutshell, I am not running off to divorce court and neither is he. The problem still remains, however, what are we going to do about this M? If neither one of us is willing to break it up, we need to get back on the horse and try to fix it. I am working my way towards that way of thinking AGAIN. blech. Just tired of the merry-go-round/roller-coaster. Will it ever be resolved? I have to tell myself YES, one way or another. There will have to come a point in time where I am feeling fairly content (not ecstatic, I'm still fairly realistic) in the M, or I will need to get out. Yet, I do not want to lose any of my passion, my hope for a better R. As a HD woman, I value a close ec with my SO. When it is lacking in the M, it is like a knife in my heart. It hurts more than my words can express.
some clues for you about your H. Emotions vex, and tax him immensely. Calmness is a front. Its uncivilized, and inapproriate to spew emotionality all over the place, in his world. He is balancing out your end of the see saw.
You cannot change him. You can choose to not emotionally 'assault' (not meaning abuse) him, and give him time to climb out of his shell. It will be worth it.
Thank you for that BF. He stated as much the other day, that I am emotionally draining to him at times. Over the top emotional. He has a tendency to retreat when I am like that but has been making more of an effort to express himself with me. We will never have the same level of emotionality, passion, drive, etc but we need to meet some of each others needs more. I need him to be more passionate and he needs me to take it down a notch
One of you eventually has to step up to the plate to see it through; otherwise, you go round and round in circles, with moments of great connection followed by despair.
That's exactly it IHJ. Can't seem to break the "up and down" cycle. Too bad that's not in the bedroom
Sounds like a good time for the two of us to go on a guilt-free chocolate binge, whaddya say to that? I'm all over that one already IHJ. Chocolate and depression go hand in hand Although so does chocolate and happiness, and indifference, and.....
Can I go on the chocolate binge with you and IHJ? You never have to ask Chrissy. Just pull up a seat and dig in I have a big bowl of brownie batter so grab a spoon! And I wonder why I am not losing those last five lbs at the gym?
So your resentment from WAH is overwhelming you. Understandable.
He handed you a lot of power when he said he isnt leaving again. Whatchagonnadowithit?
LFL, I get the feeling you are hugging your H while looking over his shoulder and having your foot holding the door open.
I could go thru and quote you so many times, and show you your fruedian slips and womanese, where you want this to work out. Not gonna do it though.
Your indecision is killing you.
He checked out "the other side" looked around for a while, then decided it wasn't cracked up to be what he thought, and here he comes back to me.
You are not a consolation prize. Thats such a negative attribution and self defeating. Not very confidant either. He was overwhelmed and needed to escape to his cave. for reasons that you were a part of. Have you figured your part of it out yet? So he needed time to retreat, regroup, and reenergize, this may not be comprehensible to you the way we do it, but it is a very real guy response. Hes just a guy, your just a girl. Both of your reactions have been very typical.
You still have consequences to deal with though. Its not gonna be all fun and smiles.
It's much different on my end when you are forced onto "the other side" and have no resolution about returning.
Not going to commiserate, just acknowledge yes it is.
I could have made it on the other side I think. SO
H didn't/couldn't/wouldn't.
WTH? the reasons are multifacited, but bottom line your H came back. Remember how badly you wanted that before? You are not focused LFL. The seperation is over. Time deal with today, and work on the future.
I think I lost respect for him for both leaving and then returning That's sort of F-ed up but that is how I feel. How can he win with me?
Good question. How can he? ONLY you have control over that. Is your power vindictive, or magnanimous? Are you externally observing (others faults) or internal (yours)
If you use this new found power to belittle, berate and deflate him, verbally or mentally, you will end up back where you were, or worse.
Your mind will believe whatever you repeatedly think about, and tell it. What are you thinking about?
Me? I think I'm incredible attractive. See it works.
You and your H need a game plan. Winging it is not working.
Hi LFL... Glad you are continuing to post...otherwise, I think I'd have to start myself on an IV chicken soup ( or maybe chocolate) drip.
One thing to keep in mind... Your ambivalence about your H started way before he left you. I don't blame you for being focused on H's walk-away behavior...it's plenty traumatic...but you weren't happy before either. You both are going to have to come together to make something entirely new, and it begins by committing to the process. H is getting there...and so are you. It's exciting, but also exhausting, so remember to do the things you need to do to take care of you.
The board here is filled with emotional HD women and their LD closed off men...I am an anomaly because I can do both extremes. Eventually you get to a place of accepting and appreciating each other and accepting and appreciating yourself. I can now value my H's ability to connect to the external world, and hopefully he is feeling the same way about my more internal, mysterious nature. You start to join together and see each other's stengths rather than live in separate worlds.
Hang in there, and if you get a chance read over some of the stories in the MLC forum. I am awed by the level of determination and ability some of the left -behind spouses have to keep their eye on the goal despite cruel, adverse ( and hopefully temporary) conditions. Not saying you should do this...but it is inspiring.
That's sort of F-ed up but that is how I feel. How can he win with me? 
I have a big bowl of brownie batter so grab a spoon!
See it works.