Let me take you back a year and a half...I didn't see him or have more than a handful of business emails with him for 6 months after I left the state he was stationed in. Then he went on leave and drove up from his parents (of course) to visit S3. He didn't say word one about the D he claimed he was filing for 6 months earlier. I finally came out and asked where the papers were and he said he couldn't "pull the trigger." Then he went on to talk about the three different days we spent time together outside the house during THE THREE YEARS we lived together in California. He said how much he wished we'd had more days like the day we went to the beach, the day we drove to the mountains, and the day we walked though the downtown area together and had dinner. (The last one was on my birthday and he had refused to speak to me the whole time because he hadn't wanted to go anywhere.) WTF!!!
I tried so hard to get him to spend time with me when we lived together (and he admitted that I did-he was just tired from work). He fought me every step of the way, and obviously he won, except for those THREE FREAKING DAYS we actually walked out the front door together. AND THEN he comes back after the bomb and says he wishes we had more times like that?!?!?!?
AND NOW here he is, doing what he can to avoid spending anymore time than possible alone with me or S3.
If I didn't think I'd be censored here I would let loose with a combination of epithets that would set this computer screen on FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There just isn't an instant graemlin that could do it justice.
I smell a thread lock-up so better get a comment in now before losing track. First off Whoa! is this OPti on the other end or has Pessimist taken control of the computer? You said yourself how H flip-flops so the comment about his parents house being his only home can flip to include your house. If he's a military brat, they do have to change their residences frequently and lose track of the concept of home.
As for the other stuff, it's in the past and like the DB book says, change your other half by changing yourself. Figure out the patterns that didn't work in the past look for way to change them in a positive manner. You need to put together your goals and steps to reach them for when he gets there to avoid past pitfalls. Time to dust off the "Divorce Remedy" and get to researching and planning. Above all, find Opti and tell her to act as if positively. Deep breaths,...that's better. RonJon
RonJon, just to reply to your other comments before this thread locks...
Unlike me, H grew up in a very tight nuclear unit. He wasn't a military brat. He lived in the same house from 5 years old until he left for bootcamp. Although his dad did leave for a 2 month period when H was 6 or 7 before deciding to come back to his M.
My concept of home is more fluid than his. I can't go back to any of the houses I lived in growing up because they belong to other people now or to people I am no longer related to by marriage. I have many ex-step people floating around out their that were once supposed to be my family and now wierdly mean nothing. H used to insult my family background, but then he is the one that turned around and tore up our M and little family and I'm the one that's clinging to it. That statistic about kids from divorced homes being more likely to divorce is backwards in our case.
OK, I'm still pissed today. But, I am taking your advice and doing some constructive, positive thinking today.
And my log in name, "optimist," is really a forward capitol. You know, like when countries like Brazil name some unappealing, landlocked town their capitol, like Brazilia, to get people to move there. I am hoping I will manifest my log in and BECOME optimistic. And I also chose it because, next to my H, I am an unbridaled enthusiast about anything.
Opti, Well that's interesting about your login being a forward capitol. I know your posted comments always seem to cheer me up even if they don't for you. Maybe that's what it's supposed to mean. Either way, I have confidence you'll get there.
Interesting about your H being the nuclear family and home person and the one tearing up the marriage. I'm in the same situation, my parents divorced when I was 12 but my W's parents stayed together until her father passed away and from her perspective when she initially brought up D is that she didn't want to grow old in a relationship like her parents, something there but not full blown love or as she put it "not the way a W should love a husbamd" or vice-versa. Meanwhile on the other side, I'm the one trying to keep things together in the M and spark the old feelings. So I guess what they say about statistics is true, can't trust them (like my W, lol). So backwards in our case too.
I won't go back to my past houses or towns either which will become interesting when the time comes to leave here, choosing a place for the first time, not the military's choice.
So have you ever actually been to Brazilia? RonJon "Love is a Decision"
even if they don't for you. Maybe that's what it's supposed to mean. Either way, I have confidence you'll get there.
RonJon "Love is a Decision"