Well, here's my chance to DB. Up til now it's been pretty easy to email WOA and send him Father's Day cards and art from S3 and digital photos. The response to all that was great. H was full of sweetness and generousity. For the last year there has been no nastiness. We've both been extremely careful of each other.
That looks like it just changed. I have been waiting (impatiently, but at least in silence) for H to contact me when his ship got back in port. It did last Saturday. I only know because I snooped. It looks like he made it to the bar and had plenty of access to the internet and phone, but didn't get in touch until late last night. He finally sent an unpleasant email.
I sent him two emails since his previous email that mentioned his leave looked like it was happening in August. The big question has been whether he decided to fly into where S3 and I live, in the house H and I just purchased, or if he decided to fly into his parents 8 hours from here, cutting the amount of time S3 and I can spend with him not to mention the opportunity for alone time and sleeping in the same bed. After thinking about it for a few days I decided to email him back and say how excited S3 and I would be to pick him up at the airport, so he would know I expected him to fly "home." Then, just a couple days ago, I decided to email him the address and password to the website I built. The website has my resume and samples of my work, then a password protected area has family videos and photos. I waited a while to mention it to him, because in the past he would insult my writing and career aspirations and gets irritated anytime I get too into creative stuff. But, I thought, we've been so nice too each other for a year know, maybe things are different now. I also asked if he would be willing to go to show and tell at daycare so S3 (soon to be S4) could show him off. S3 talks about his daddy all the time at daycare and the director there actually asked me if H would be willing to do this because she thought it would make S3 so happy to show everyone that he had a daddy too, and one that worked on a ship in Alaska, no less.
Well, three days after his ship pulled in, he finally sent me an email. It wasn't very long, but he complained about how bad the trip was (standard opening to all his messages) then said he hadn't decided what airport to fly into. (blow number 1). Then he said that he didn't want to be "paraded around in front of a bunch of screaming brats." (Blow number 2.) He said he knew he was an a__hole, so don't bother telling him. I haven't heard this kind of talk since the bomb. This feels like he's starting to do it again. He's getting into that "I'm already a horrible human being so I might as well go all the way," mentality. I'm scared.
He also mentioned that his leave hadn't been canceled yet, but it could be, and he just signed off "take care," not "love."
I'm not responding to his email. He didn't ask me anything any way. He usually mentions that he will call, but he didn't, so I guess I should talk myself down from expecting it. I'm begining to see that this visit that I've been looking forward to for 9 months now, isn't going to be as wonderful as I thought. Time to manage some expectations and start opening myself up to other options besides waiting around here for H to transfer. I've been through enough for him. I don't need to live through another bomb.
