Finally Here! Long Distance M

[WCW]

Sure, you can ask. How big can I hijack your thread? I'll post soon, but it was another eye opener to me just how much H does not want me to be any part of his life.

Hey, but for you.....way to go on the email. How about asking the daycare lady to send an email to your H directly? then he would know you're not drumming up reasons (even if you are).

[NNP1965]

Hi Opti... it's been a few days, anything happening?

[optimist2004]

Nothing happening. Haven't heard from H since I sent that email about picking him up at the airport. I don't know if he just didn't respond, or never got it. If I hear back from him that he's flying to his parents home instead of "ours" I don't think I can keep my feelings about it inside. The time for accepting his actions without saying a word is over. But, I will be DB about it.

I go long stretches (2 weeks to a month or more) of absolutely no interaction with H, and no new news to report. H is one week into a two week trip underway. Sometimes he has access to email, sometimes he doesn't. Even when he has access to a working phone, I'm usually asleep when he's awake and vice versa. Even when we're up at the same time, H says he has nothing new to say so he doesn't call. At least I know it's not just me. His mom says he hardly contacts them either.

Earlier this month, H mentioned in an email that he is trying to get stationed a few hours away from where I am currently living so I could stay here and he could visit on the weekends when he wasn't underway. I understand his concern about money, this being our first house, and the likelyhood (sp?) that we would eat some of the difference in what we could sell it for. But, is he crazy?!? How much longer does he think I can do this??? Is he really OK with going from a seeing each other once every year for three years to once or twice a month for the next three years??? Is seeing his son grow up really not higher up on his priorities?

I just read a post from someone on the Pieceing board that when she and her H are together, she is in love and confident that they will make it, but when they are apart, she is full of insecurity and anger. This is so true for me too. But in my case, when I talk to H on the phone or get a personal email from him, I feel like we will be together again and we will make it work. But, after a week or two of no contact, I start to get frustrated and angry again. How long does he honestly think he can maintain a M like this??? How much does he want this M or this family? If he really wanted them, wouldn't it be a priority to email or call even a little more often or to talk about what he's going to do bring us together in the same house again, rather than the reasons we should stay separated?

Am I the idiot here?! There are some people around me would argue that.

I am going to have to hold H to resolving our future living arragements during his leave, or I'm going to go insane. I will DB my butt off during his visit. Give him two to three weeks to bring the subject up himself. Then it's up to me. I will DB very carefully during the conversation and validate all his reasons for not moving together at his next transfer. After I have fully validated his reasons I will ask him what he thinks of my reasoning for selling or renting the house and living together. I will let the conversation end and let our ideas percalate for a day or two. If I need to, I WILL put my foot down and explain that I can't maintain a M or life like this for another three years, maybe not even another year past his transfer date. If S3 and I aren't a priority for him, than I need to stop waiting and move on with my life and my career. And I should probably going to have to do my homework beforehand so I'm not just throwing words out there. If I know I can move on with just S3 and I, financially then it will take the fear out of it. (Because I'm sure I'd get less child/spousal support from him than what he sends willingly right now.)

Let's hope that the second half of that conversation isn't necessary and it's just because I'm sitting here in a vacuum that all these thoughts of rejection and anger are spinning into this ultimatum scenario.

[WCW]

Am I the idiot here?!

Come on Opti, you're not asking a fair question! Really, I feel so much the same, wondering what in the world am I doing in this life. My biggest fear for you is that when H does come home on leave, when he does transfer and you all live together...how will you handle that? You're a strong independent woman, can you blend that again with your H on a day to day basis? and can he do the same? I speak from some experience, when H was gone from home long periods of time, even when we were in love it was hard when he came home from the road and I had to change my daily habits to include him. I didn't mind, I love(d) our time together, but it was definite changes.

How about something different with the long stretches of no communication. Send him some funnies, send him a little tidbit of info about the house, the dog, S3, the weird little town you live in. I've been wondering about doing the same thing in my communication with H, we used to talk back and forth all day long, now we are dark during the day. Not sure yet, it's a big step for me, and I don't want to be an irritation for him either.

But then again, it sounds like you have a plan for how you want to proceed. Without any daily interaction, you have a lot to accomplish in the time span of H's leave. Stay strong. What is his LL? any plans to fulfill some of that?

[optimist2004]

My biggest fear for you is that when H does come home on leave, when he does transfer and you all live together...how will you handle that? You're a strong independent woman, can you blend that again with your H on a day to day basis?

That is the biggest challenge, don't I know it! I have told myself again and again that it is the living together again part that is going to be the real work, the real frustration. But, then the frustration of the present wipes out that warning. I have to be careful that in my rush to get over the hurtle of living apart I don't run straight into the hurtle of living together with my eyes shut (AGAIN! I did this preceding the bomb when we moved to AK).

Yes, I know that will be tough. The toughest part will be to keep my perspective and my mind open to creative options when H starts cutting me off at the pass, everytime I try to find a compromise or even just do what it takes to please just him...instead of just feeling stuck and beat down so all I want to do is walk away or lash out. H doesn't like either or those, and it's hard to see a route inbetween sometimes.

How about something different with the long stretches of no communication. Send him some funnies, send him a little tidbit of info about the house, the dog, S3, the weird little town you live in.

I've sent him three emails since he's been incomunicado. I think they're just stacked up in his inbox waiting until he gets connectivity. I had sent him a little political satire last month and we actually had a funny back and forth. That's one of our issues. He's right, I'm left. We were both moderate on our sides, but after we started fighting we became extremists, predictably. Just like WAS and LBS polarize on their memories of the M. So, I'm slowly learning how to talk about that with him again. I would prefer just to stay away from the subject but he really wants to talk politics with his spouse. So, I figured out that if I can keep it comical and over the top, we stay safe. But, it can't always be that way, so I'm going to have to keep learning.

What is his LL? any plans to fulfill some of that?

WOA, WOA, WOA. "Wow, you're really good at...Can you teach me how to...I need some advice on...You work so hard...I really appreciate the way you...Not many other husbands would...Your such a good dad...S3 is so proud of you...S3 talks about you all the time..."

[optimist2004]

Well, here's my chance to DB. Up til now it's been pretty easy to email WOA and send him Father's Day cards and art from S3 and digital photos. The response to all that was great. H was full of sweetness and generousity. For the last year there has been no nastiness. We've both been extremely careful of each other.

That looks like it just changed. I have been waiting (impatiently, but at least in silence) for H to contact me when his ship got back in port. It did last Saturday. I only know because I snooped. It looks like he made it to the bar and had plenty of access to the internet and phone, but didn't get in touch until late last night. He finally sent an unpleasant email.

I sent him two emails since his previous email that mentioned his leave looked like it was happening in August. The big question has been whether he decided to fly into where S3 and I live, in the house H and I just purchased, or if he decided to fly into his parents 8 hours from here, cutting the amount of time S3 and I can spend with him not to mention the opportunity for alone time and sleeping in the same bed. After thinking about it for a few days I decided to email him back and say how excited S3 and I would be to pick him up at the airport, so he would know I expected him to fly "home." Then, just a couple days ago, I decided to email him the address and password to the website I built. The website has my resume and samples of my work, then a password protected area has family videos and photos. I waited a while to mention it to him, because in the past he would insult my writing and career aspirations and gets irritated anytime I get too into creative stuff. But, I thought, we've been so nice too each other for a year know, maybe things are different now. I also asked if he would be willing to go to show and tell at daycare so S3 (soon to be S4) could show him off. S3 talks about his daddy all the time at daycare and the director there actually asked me if H would be willing to do this because she thought it would make S3 so happy to show everyone that he had a daddy too, and one that worked on a ship in Alaska, no less.

Well, three days after his ship pulled in, he finally sent me an email. It wasn't very long, but he complained about how bad the trip was (standard opening to all his messages) then said he hadn't decided what airport to fly into. (blow number 1). Then he said that he didn't want to be "paraded around in front of a bunch of screaming brats." (Blow number 2.) He said he knew he was an a__hole, so don't bother telling him. I haven't heard this kind of talk since the bomb. This feels like he's starting to do it again. He's getting into that "I'm already a horrible human being so I might as well go all the way," mentality. I'm scared.

He also mentioned that his leave hadn't been canceled yet, but it could be, and he just signed off "take care," not "love."

I'm not responding to his email. He didn't ask me anything any way. He usually mentions that he will call, but he didn't, so I guess I should talk myself down from expecting it. I'm begining to see that this visit that I've been looking forward to for 9 months now, isn't going to be as wonderful as I thought. Time to manage some expectations and start opening myself up to other options besides waiting around here for H to transfer. I've been through enough for him. I don't need to live through another bomb.

[WCW]

Well crap, I was hoping for such good things for you with H's leave.

Ok - opening line about bad trip, it's routine, it doesn't count.
blow #1 - he hasn't decided yet, that's good right? other times he's just gone to his parents.
blow #2 - um, I won't say what I really want to say.... Could you suggest a video that S3 could take to class? Videos of his dad who is gone all the time would be so nice for him to have anyway. I would try to get him to view it from a 3 year olds thoughts who loves his dad and wants this rare opportunity to be able to brag about him. Don't let H get off the hook so easy about being a dad.

Was he talking from a bottle when he wrote that email? Is he stressed about spending 3 weeks with W and Child? Is it too much for him? Regardless, I agree, plan your life for you and S3. Invite H to join you if he'd like to come along.

[optimist2004]

That's a good point about talking from the bottle, WCW. Yeah, he may have been doing that. He did a lot of that during the bomb period.

Yes, I imagine he might be a little stressed about the visit. And I know he has to be more than a little stressed and frustrated about his leave being hung over his head at work. There is simply never a right time to take leave at a unit like his. They are understaffed and overworked permanently.

I'm not taking H's email as his last word. I've learned that much. He says what he means at the time and then changes his mind. I'm not going to flip out over it (at least not when he can see), but I won't hide being disappointed. He may yet decide to do show and tell for his son. But, I'm tryng to lower my expectations. H has sent pictures and videos of himself on the ship for S3. But he doesn't have to actually stand up in front of anyone to do that. As good a dad as H started out to be, I don't think even S3 is enough incentive for H to face his issues. I won't bring show and tell up again until he is actually here, and then I'll just ask once more before I accept it as his last word. And let disappointment land where he throws it.

I told H's mom about the day care director asking if H would come in for show and tell. His mom went into a long story about how proud she was of her own father when he picked her up from school in uniform. When she finds out H refused to do it, I want to be a fly on the wall. I'm so angry right now I'd like to call her up and tell her so she can start in on him right now. Of course I won't.

As far as him not "knowing" which airport he is flying into...it's real hard for me to look on the bright side of that right now. I've waited for so long with hardly any contact, keeping myself going by looking toward the light at the end of the tunnel. I guess the danger with doing that I've put so much stock in that light that when H starts to waffle, it's devastating. Hard to keep my expectations in check when I have so little interaction to base things on.

I've let myself go down a negative path today. I keep "snooping," so to speak. I went on line and looked up how much a ticket would cost to fly to where I am versus H's parents'. It would be more expensive for H to fly to his parents and he would have to change plains at MY AIRPORT to do it. Just about kills me. I'd like to kill HIM. I'll give myself the rest of today to do this. Then I got to start the positive thinking machine up.

It's a good thing he isn't going to be calling soon because I don't know if I could keep my tongue in check or keep from slamming the phone down.

[NNP1965]

i don't really know what to comment on him saying he had not decided which airport to fly into yet. I just hope that he comes to his senses and see the only choice there is to make on that one!

As for the show-and-tell thing. How about if you do not call it that again... Just ask him if he would like to go with S3 to daycare for a while one day so S3 can show him around the place he spends his days. That might not seem like so much pressure then. Just a thought

[optimist2004]

i don't really know what to comment on him saying he had not decided which airport to fly into yet. I just hope that he comes to his senses and see the only choice there is to make on that one!

H once told me (while I was sitting on the coach with our newborn son in my arms) that he could never consider anywhere but his parents house his "home." I was hurt for a long time about that-still am. After the bomb and DBing I decided to chalk that up to the importance he put on owning the actual building rather than living in military housing. After we bought the house I'm in now he emailed that it would be nice to have a place to call "home" that wasn't owned by the government. So I was hopeful that he was going to start considering where S3 and I were home even if he wouldn't see it more than two or three times before it went up for sale again.

So, his ambivalence about flying here instead of his parents is a kicker. I THINK it has something to do with the fact that his parents will hand him over a vehicle to drive around freely and if he flys here, we would have to share a car for a couple weeks. It's not really an issue because I can walk to work from my house.

I thought about emailing him that to try to convince him to come here, but I'm still steaming. And I think it would just be an excuse anyway and it would painful to hear him dig up a new excuse.

As for the show-and-tell thing. How about if you do not call it that again... Just ask him if he would like to go with S3 to daycare for a while one day so S3 can show him around the place he spends his days. That might not seem like so much pressure then.

Yeah, I suppose I can just say, "go to daycare with S3 for a little bit," but the cat's out of the bag now I guess. In the past I jumped things on him like that so he didn't have enough warning to back out. I don't know if that's a better policy than coming out and asking for him to do things with either S3 or I. Seems to get the same "no" either way.