Nothing happening. Haven't heard from H since I sent that email about picking him up at the airport. I don't know if he just didn't respond, or never got it. If I hear back from him that he's flying to his parents home instead of "ours" I don't think I can keep my feelings about it inside. The time for accepting his actions without saying a word is over. But, I will be DB about it.
I go long stretches (2 weeks to a month or more) of absolutely no interaction with H, and no new news to report. H is one week into a two week trip underway. Sometimes he has access to email, sometimes he doesn't. Even when he has access to a working phone, I'm usually asleep when he's awake and vice versa. Even when we're up at the same time, H says he has nothing new to say so he doesn't call. At least I know it's not just me. His mom says he hardly contacts them either.
Earlier this month, H mentioned in an email that he is trying to get stationed a few hours away from where I am currently living so I could stay here and he could visit on the weekends when he wasn't underway. I understand his concern about money, this being our first house, and the likelyhood (sp?) that we would eat some of the difference in what we could sell it for. But, is he crazy?!? How much longer does he think I can do this??? Is he really OK with going from a seeing each other once every year for three years to once or twice a month for the next three years??? Is seeing his son grow up really not higher up on his priorities?
I just read a post from someone on the Pieceing board that when she and her H are together, she is in love and confident that they will make it, but when they are apart, she is full of insecurity and anger. This is so true for me too. But in my case, when I talk to H on the phone or get a personal email from him, I feel like we will be together again and we will make it work. But, after a week or two of no contact, I start to get frustrated and angry again. How long does he honestly think he can maintain a M like this??? How much does he want this M or this family? If he really wanted them, wouldn't it be a priority to email or call even a little more often or to talk about what he's going to do bring us together in the same house again, rather than the reasons we should stay separated?
Am I the idiot here?! There are some people around me would argue that.
I am going to have to hold H to resolving our future living arragements during his leave, or I'm going to go insane. I will DB my butt off during his visit. Give him two to three weeks to bring the subject up himself. Then it's up to me. I will DB very carefully during the conversation and validate all his reasons for not moving together at his next transfer. After I have fully validated his reasons I will ask him what he thinks of my reasoning for selling or renting the house and living together. I will let the conversation end and let our ideas percalate for a day or two. If I need to, I WILL put my foot down and explain that I can't maintain a M or life like this for another three years, maybe not even another year past his transfer date. If S3 and I aren't a priority for him, than I need to stop waiting and move on with my life and my career. And I should probably going to have to do my homework beforehand so I'm not just throwing words out there. If I know I can move on with just S3 and I, financially then it will take the fear out of it. (Because I'm sure I'd get less child/spousal support from him than what he sends willingly right now.)
Let's hope that the second half of that conversation isn't necessary and it's just because I'm sitting here in a vacuum that all these thoughts of rejection and anger are spinning into this ultimatum scenario.
