OK. I am my own therapist here. Time for an atitude adjustment.
I never did send that letter to H about reconfirming whether or not he plans on us living together when he transfers. I wrote it out, but for some reason just didn't feel like sending it. Then the job thing came up and it really hit me hard, all these feelings about how far behind I am in life and how stuck I am. So the next morning after I wrote my previous (very angry) post, I got a one line email from H asking me how things were going. I wrote up this long email to him, trying to explain about this job, my feelings about being where I am, and incorporate some of the letter I wrote previously about needing to know if we are going to live together when he transfers or not. I balanced negative with positive, complimented him, blah, blah, blah. It was long. Finally, I scrapped it all. I responded to H's email in one paragraph. I didn't attack him (in my opinion), but it wasn't a very positive. I was just tired of trying so hard.
This morning I got up and checked my email, no response. As I was driving to the grocery store I started to get serious with myself. I stopped indulging my atitude for a second. And I realized that this has been my pattern in life...rush into a new place or job with loads and loads of optimism, so sure that everything is going to be great. My confidence is high. Then a year or two goes by, and I start to get negative. I start wanting something else. My atitude takes a nose dive. And instead of reevaluating, I follow my atitude right into the ground. I start trying to figure out something new. A new job, a new place, a new plan. But, for once, I need to push through that negativity. I need to make something good out of what I have. It seems like I have the atitude of a WAS, but about everything OTHER than M. Interesting.
So, looking at my circumstances right now...here's my new plan. I know I don't have a chance at getting that job that opened up, even though I know I could do it. But it is very much worth my time to put in an application for the director position because the people on the search committee will see my resume and hopefully keep me in mind when other jobs in the field open up. And one person on the committee covers the field for the entire State, not just this dinky town. Then, when they do hire the new director, I will ask him or her to be my mentor in the field. I had a mentor when I was in Alaska and it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Nothing but good can come out of it.
My boss and one coworker may have looked at me like I was stupid when I said I was going to apply, but I don't think they understand the big picture, and although they are very good at what they do, they aren't all that open minded either. So, when I go into work on Monday I am going to personally thank those people who encouraged me to apply and have a positive atitude. And I am going to recommit myself to do a great job in my current position and leave in a year and a half with glowing references.
As for H...I'm not sure. I need to know at some point if he is committed to doing everything he can to make sure we live together after he transfers, or not. I need to know how he stands on supporting me in my career-either freelancing or working my way up in an agency. I need to know if he's "coming home" for leave or if he plans on going to his parents again and just visiting up here like his last leave. I don't know yet, what the plan of action is for finding this stuff out.
