Oh man am I in a funk. I'm often in a funk at work lately, but it usually lifts at home. Not tonight. I'm still in a depressed fog. Everything seems pointless. Why bother. Even sitting down and doing nothing-if that were possible raising a toddler alone-seems pointless and unsatisfying. Oh man am I in a funk. My insides feel like they're made of vinegar and mold.
So I figured I really needed to come here an unload. I know what it is. It's a combination of not hearing from H in a while and this job opening where I work that I have no chance in hell of getting, but I've told myself I have to apply because there are no other options for moving up. The combination equals "stuck." My arch nemesis-stagnation. The next most unpleasant thing to having my world shattered by a WAH. Well, admittedly, it's not a very close second. But it comes with it's own set up painful feelings.
And why am I stuck? Why am I limited to job openings in this little town with few prospects? Why do I not broaden my horizons and look for a job in a place that I would like? The H. The guy that destroyed my first steps toward the career I have dreamed of since I was little. The one I love so much, despite the fact that he doesn't have the balls to come out and say he wants to start a new life together what ever it takes and stick with that decision. The one that casually mentions he might just ask for isolated duty and voluntarily extend our extreme separation for yet another year on top of the one or two we have yet to go.
Man am I ever pissed.
It's really this job thing that's got my guts in a vice. I'm in a position much lower down than I'd like to be in given my education and abilities. It was a significant step back for me career wise. But, it was what was available when I moved to this little town to be close to my mom so I would have family to help with S3. And it's been the only suitable thing I've seen open for a year and a half. But now, finally, something else opens up and it's TOO far above me. I don't have a chance in hell. Not only have I stupidly made it known that I plan to move away in a year and a half when my H transfers, they want someone with a lot more experience than me. I keep telling myself-screw it, you have to apply, just to do it. The practice is good, my resume will be up to date, nothing to lose but the time and effort I put into the application. I probably won't even get an interview. But, then if I did, that would be uncomfortable because I know and work with most of the interviewers and I still wouldn't have a chance in hell. So, I sat down tonight to tailor my resume and I just got completely overwhelmed by it. It isn't as easy as I thought to put together an application when you really don't think you have a chance. And then, even when I don't have a chance, the rejection still has an impact. It will be a huge reminder that I am STUCK. Working at my job, waiting for H, biding my time. Another year and a half to go.
I was talking to a coworker about applying for the job even though my chances weren't good, and wishing I didn't have to wait for something within our institution or our town (which are more or less the same thing). And she told me that I was looking at it wrong. I should go about it as if, H was not in the picture. Go on with my life, and if we moved to where H is stationed, great, and if not, I wasn't spinning my wheels waiting.
I would have told myself this 5 or 6 years ago. Before M, before child. But now, I can't avoid the logistics of the situation. My ultimate goal has been to restore my M so I would have my H back and S3 would have his father. It seems to be going in that direction. But, that necessarily puts my life on hold because I can't move S3 out of the daycare he finally adjusted to after a year, sell the house, move all my stuff, find a new place, just to turn around and do it in another 6 months to a year. I moved 3 times in under a year (twice across the US) because of the situation my WAH put me in. I've moved for a fourth time since then. It's just not even slightly realistic to move to find better prospects if I'm serious about living with H again.
If I WASN'T waiting for H I wouldn't be here anymore. I would have long ago (well a year ago) started searching in earnest for a better job that paid a living wage in a place that had something to offer me. But, instead, H and I decided (I thought) that we would be living together after he transfered. Then we went ahead and bought a house in the town where I live so I could get out of my moms, with the the understanding (I thought) that we would sell it when he transfered.
Now I am contemplating being stuck in a house and a job in a town that seems to be shrinking in all around me with less and less opportunity with each passing day. Boy I always start out with so much optimism. Then I just nose dive into the ground.
So I guess, job I am overqualified for + job I am underqualified for + H I hear from once every few weeks and see once every eight months + tiny midwestern town + artsy northern californian girl + 31st birthday = nasty sense of failure and wrong turns taken.
Now I have unloaded.
I still feel like crap.
Did I mention H sent me a diamond watch for my birthday? And his mom told me he agonized over what to get me.
Nope. Still crap. He's a WOA guy so I sure laid it on in an email about how wonderful it was, how it was just the right size and weight. Silver not gold. How beautiful and practical it was. I've learned my lesson the hard way. Of course, I'm a QT and PT girl. Did I want a diamond watch. Not even slightly. What I want is impossible.
