(((opti))) Not sure if I should try the cowgirl up speech or sympathize and empathize with you. It sure must be tough to go so long in between visits from H and not being in physical touch. The only thing worse is being together and not being in physical touch, just ask me.
Is it a possibility for you to visit H? why not take a trip and go see him? plant the seed and think about it.
This could be the best time of all to be signed up for the KLA forum. Sounds like you need a good boost. Other than hearing that phone call, what changed about H that he seems so distant to you? do you have his favorite cologne? spray it around to remind you of him. Anything else you can do?
Take a break, concentrate on your training, make it a refreshing time for yourself. Enjoy!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
For the first time in a few months, I had a dream about H. Not just some blury male figure, but MY H. It was short, but odd.
H was on leave, but we weren't in the house we just bought or his parents' house. I met him at some other place, like a room in a house with lots of people around. I think it was afternoon or evening when I met him there. We spent the night there and in the morning he reminded me that I better get going because he had to leave soon. I must have left to go to work or something. I came back later to make the bed up and he was already gone. Then it dawned on me that I hadn't kissed him goodbye. Then it dawned on me that we hadn't kissed at all. Then it dawned on me that he hadn't seemed to be concerned about it. I remember feeling sad and disappointed for a moment. Then it was gone and I went on to have other dreams and woke up feeling fine.
I called H last night to wish him a happy Father's Day. He left again for another 4 weeks out. Although they'll be in the shipyard and on land, so he could call, but I doubt it. He'll probably be busy and always says he doesn't have anything to say anyway.
It was a nice conversation until it turned to where H might get stationed next. He's keeping his eye out for what might be open when it's time to transfer. Which is great, but he was saying things like, "maybe I'll get the great lakes and I'll be close enough to you to spend the weekends with you." WTF! The weekends!?!?! First of all, I thought we were going to be living together at his next unit. And second, I can't live in this town through another tour. I've been here long enough to find out that there's nothing for me career wise or socially here.
Then he said if he couldn't get the great lakes "he" was going to Texas. No mention of us. Then he said, "well, maybe I'll just go back to isolated duty for a year and see what's open after that." That set off alarm bells. Families can not go to isolated duty. And I would only see him once in the year he'd be gone. Basically, extending our situation for another year.
My heart was dropping and I didn't know how to respond. So I didn't. I just said, "uh hu," like it didn't mean anything to me where he went.
This morning it's just all I can think about. The light at the end of my tunnel was all that was keeping me going and he was throwing around his words again, like he loves to do, and putting out the light. I know he just likes to throw around words he doesn't mean. It's power to him. But, I want to tell him that if we don't live together at his next unit, I'm done. I need to move on with my life. I can't spend any more years waiting and hoping like this. I did mention that if he went to isolated duty I wasn't staying here in the town I am in. He said we'd take a loss on the house if we sell next year. But we talked about that before we bought it. And now he's changing his mind? I mentioned the possibility of renting. Maybe that's an option.
We've only had these conversations about transfering once before-before we moved to AK. And we all know how well that turned out. We have to do it better this time around. So how do I change my part to make this go better?
I think I'm going to write him a letter. We've already established that we communicate about serious things better in written words. In the letter I will say what I want without being negative or accusing him of anything (even if it's true). I will use "one-downmanship" and tell him how I'm insecure and give him an opportunity to rush in and make things better. I will compliment him and thank him. I will ask him for his advice. All those things that have gotten such great results so far.
And I will somehow avoid an ultimatum by saying if he asks for a unit that we can't come to, or he doesn't want us to, then I'm moving on with my life and looking for a better job in a place Iwant to live. I am not putting my life on hold for him beyond the fall of 2008.
I think your plan of a letter is good. You even have his LLs all figured out and how to utilize them to your advantage.
I can imagine how frustrated you are. Write your letter. Let it sit for a few days or a week and reread it to make sure it's saying what you want to say the way you want to say it. Then send it to him. Hopefully his words just came out wrong yesterday.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
You've established that written communication works better than anything, and that H likes to talk just to hear him talk. Was he just filling the space on the phone line to avoid awkward silence? Was he sharing information to feel YOU out? to see how you would react to his options of the next station? Write your letter to him, let him know your thoughts to each of his possibilities, but no ultimatum, okay?
Your dream - how odd, I had a dream that same night about my dogs. It wasn't a good dream, and now I have one less dog.
On a good note, the big black gelding got his hooves trimmed last week, and has been ridden I think 3 times in one week!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Oh man am I in a funk. I'm often in a funk at work lately, but it usually lifts at home. Not tonight. I'm still in a depressed fog. Everything seems pointless. Why bother. Even sitting down and doing nothing-if that were possible raising a toddler alone-seems pointless and unsatisfying. Oh man am I in a funk. My insides feel like they're made of vinegar and mold.
So I figured I really needed to come here an unload. I know what it is. It's a combination of not hearing from H in a while and this job opening where I work that I have no chance in hell of getting, but I've told myself I have to apply because there are no other options for moving up. The combination equals "stuck." My arch nemesis-stagnation. The next most unpleasant thing to having my world shattered by a WAH. Well, admittedly, it's not a very close second. But it comes with it's own set up painful feelings.
And why am I stuck? Why am I limited to job openings in this little town with few prospects? Why do I not broaden my horizons and look for a job in a place that I would like? The H. The guy that destroyed my first steps toward the career I have dreamed of since I was little. The one I love so much, despite the fact that he doesn't have the balls to come out and say he wants to start a new life together what ever it takes and stick with that decision. The one that casually mentions he might just ask for isolated duty and voluntarily extend our extreme separation for yet another year on top of the one or two we have yet to go.
Man am I ever pissed.
It's really this job thing that's got my guts in a vice. I'm in a position much lower down than I'd like to be in given my education and abilities. It was a significant step back for me career wise. But, it was what was available when I moved to this little town to be close to my mom so I would have family to help with S3. And it's been the only suitable thing I've seen open for a year and a half. But now, finally, something else opens up and it's TOO far above me. I don't have a chance in hell. Not only have I stupidly made it known that I plan to move away in a year and a half when my H transfers, they want someone with a lot more experience than me. I keep telling myself-screw it, you have to apply, just to do it. The practice is good, my resume will be up to date, nothing to lose but the time and effort I put into the application. I probably won't even get an interview. But, then if I did, that would be uncomfortable because I know and work with most of the interviewers and I still wouldn't have a chance in hell. So, I sat down tonight to tailor my resume and I just got completely overwhelmed by it. It isn't as easy as I thought to put together an application when you really don't think you have a chance. And then, even when I don't have a chance, the rejection still has an impact. It will be a huge reminder that I am STUCK. Working at my job, waiting for H, biding my time. Another year and a half to go.
I was talking to a coworker about applying for the job even though my chances weren't good, and wishing I didn't have to wait for something within our institution or our town (which are more or less the same thing). And she told me that I was looking at it wrong. I should go about it as if, H was not in the picture. Go on with my life, and if we moved to where H is stationed, great, and if not, I wasn't spinning my wheels waiting.
I would have told myself this 5 or 6 years ago. Before M, before child. But now, I can't avoid the logistics of the situation. My ultimate goal has been to restore my M so I would have my H back and S3 would have his father. It seems to be going in that direction. But, that necessarily puts my life on hold because I can't move S3 out of the daycare he finally adjusted to after a year, sell the house, move all my stuff, find a new place, just to turn around and do it in another 6 months to a year. I moved 3 times in under a year (twice across the US) because of the situation my WAH put me in. I've moved for a fourth time since then. It's just not even slightly realistic to move to find better prospects if I'm serious about living with H again.
If I WASN'T waiting for H I wouldn't be here anymore. I would have long ago (well a year ago) started searching in earnest for a better job that paid a living wage in a place that had something to offer me. But, instead, H and I decided (I thought) that we would be living together after he transfered. Then we went ahead and bought a house in the town where I live so I could get out of my moms, with the the understanding (I thought) that we would sell it when he transfered.
Now I am contemplating being stuck in a house and a job in a town that seems to be shrinking in all around me with less and less opportunity with each passing day. Boy I always start out with so much optimism. Then I just nose dive into the ground.
So I guess, job I am overqualified for + job I am underqualified for + H I hear from once every few weeks and see once every eight months + tiny midwestern town + artsy northern californian girl + 31st birthday = nasty sense of failure and wrong turns taken.
Now I have unloaded.
I still feel like crap.
Did I mention H sent me a diamond watch for my birthday? And his mom told me he agonized over what to get me.
Nope. Still crap. He's a WOA guy so I sure laid it on in an email about how wonderful it was, how it was just the right size and weight. Silver not gold. How beautiful and practical it was. I've learned my lesson the hard way. Of course, I'm a QT and PT girl. Did I want a diamond watch. Not even slightly. What I want is impossible.
OK. I am my own therapist here. Time for an atitude adjustment.
I never did send that letter to H about reconfirming whether or not he plans on us living together when he transfers. I wrote it out, but for some reason just didn't feel like sending it. Then the job thing came up and it really hit me hard, all these feelings about how far behind I am in life and how stuck I am. So the next morning after I wrote my previous (very angry) post, I got a one line email from H asking me how things were going. I wrote up this long email to him, trying to explain about this job, my feelings about being where I am, and incorporate some of the letter I wrote previously about needing to know if we are going to live together when he transfers or not. I balanced negative with positive, complimented him, blah, blah, blah. It was long. Finally, I scrapped it all. I responded to H's email in one paragraph. I didn't attack him (in my opinion), but it wasn't a very positive. I was just tired of trying so hard.
This morning I got up and checked my email, no response. As I was driving to the grocery store I started to get serious with myself. I stopped indulging my atitude for a second. And I realized that this has been my pattern in life...rush into a new place or job with loads and loads of optimism, so sure that everything is going to be great. My confidence is high. Then a year or two goes by, and I start to get negative. I start wanting something else. My atitude takes a nose dive. And instead of reevaluating, I follow my atitude right into the ground. I start trying to figure out something new. A new job, a new place, a new plan. But, for once, I need to push through that negativity. I need to make something good out of what I have. It seems like I have the atitude of a WAS, but about everything OTHER than M. Interesting.
So, looking at my circumstances right now...here's my new plan. I know I don't have a chance at getting that job that opened up, even though I know I could do it. But it is very much worth my time to put in an application for the director position because the people on the search committee will see my resume and hopefully keep me in mind when other jobs in the field open up. And one person on the committee covers the field for the entire State, not just this dinky town. Then, when they do hire the new director, I will ask him or her to be my mentor in the field. I had a mentor when I was in Alaska and it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Nothing but good can come out of it.
My boss and one coworker may have looked at me like I was stupid when I said I was going to apply, but I don't think they understand the big picture, and although they are very good at what they do, they aren't all that open minded either. So, when I go into work on Monday I am going to personally thank those people who encouraged me to apply and have a positive atitude. And I am going to recommit myself to do a great job in my current position and leave in a year and a half with glowing references.
As for H...I'm not sure. I need to know at some point if he is committed to doing everything he can to make sure we live together after he transfers, or not. I need to know how he stands on supporting me in my career-either freelancing or working my way up in an agency. I need to know if he's "coming home" for leave or if he plans on going to his parents again and just visiting up here like his last leave. I don't know yet, what the plan of action is for finding this stuff out.
Opti, dear girl, what a week for you! I am glad you decided to go for the job. You did the analysis and came up with the right answers, at the least it will put you in their path for other openings. But! – don’t sell yourself short about getting the job you apply for, show your confidence!
I understand all your feelings of being so pissed. As much as we try to GAL, be strong, be happy, and all that crapola, it boils down to the MAJOR decisions in our life still depend on the spouse. Sure I can go to the movie, ride my horse, go camping, even take some trips, but how many years do I do that? ALONE with no spouse. Any major decision regarding house, barn, finances, I have to tiptoe around waiting for just the right time to bring up the subject with him. Right now being married to this guy is very difficult, and I don’t see it getting much better any time soon. Yeah, I’m feeling a lot like you.
I don’t think you are alone in being optimistic in the beginning and then petering out. Many folks do, it gets hard to stay fresh. Good analogy and good for recognizing it. The hard part is changing it.
As for H’s next leave, do you know for sure when it is? Can you make plans and reservations, and tell him rather than ask? Be brave Opti. Be brave for both of us.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
((((Opti)))) Hope the biorythms are back on the upswing for you. Can't remember how long you've been in/around the military but for me and my shrinking family (D18 off to college last month) we are in the routine of a new place every two to three years and then gets stale and ready to try another place. Finally getting to the time where might need to settle down but at this point can't imagine staying put in one place for like five or ten years.
I think I'm at the point of asking straight questions about future to spouse but have not yet and even then not sure if I'll believe what I hear. If you come up with a better plan, would certainly like to hear it. RonJon
RonJon