I'm at a week long, intensive management training thing this week. I just have a minute to post, but something hit me just now that I had to get off my chest. And make a note of so I can write about it more later...
Actually, I've said it before, but H is fading from my life. I can hardly imagine what it's like to be with him anymore. I used to day dream about being next to him all the time, but it's as if I can't conjure the feeling up anymore.
I guess I got hit with a pretty big whammy just before I left for this training. Late the night before I was to get on the plane, I was sitting next to MiL as she was talking to H on the phone (I drove down to the inlaws to drop off S3 before flying out). I could tell from the conversation that H was telling her he wouldn't be visiting in July or August like he had mentioned last Thanksgiving. He was saying October instead. And I just sat there feeling like cold, black ink was swallowing me up. That means his visit is not 3 months away...I could live with that.. that's manageable...No, it's 5 months away. That's nearly another half a year. That means it will be almost an entire year gone by when I see him next (if his leave doesn't get pushed off more).
I know that many military families go a year without seeing there spouses. Not many, but some. Most get a visit every 6 months or so, atleast. But, it just drove it back home that this didn't have to be this way. That this was his choice. And I'm angry and depressed and feeling a step closer to hopeless.
He hasn't given me this news yet. It wasn't unclear from their conversation what they were talking about. We've talked on the phone and emailed, and he hasn't told me that he's not visiting yet. I'm not sure why. Maybe he's afraid to break it to me. Maybe he just doesn't feel in any rush to give me more information than he thinks I need to know. Maybe he doesn't think I care.
But, the news that H won't be visiting this summer really punched me in the gut. I barely slept that night and I had to get up at 4 am to catch the plane. And I'm feeling farther away from him than ever. Someone here asked me about my H and I just started into the standard explanation of how he had to be off on a ship and I needed to be closer to family for S...And I found myself totally disconnected from the story or H. It felt like I was just making it all up and wasn't really married at all.
God, I don't know how I'm going to handle 5 more months without seeing or touching H. And he's leaving on another trip soon so I won't hear from him much for a month. I know I have no choice. Time will just happen. I know I'm not going to run out and file for papers, so time will just pass on it's own, more or less painfully depending on how much I think on this.
Maybe I shouldn't have signed up for that KLA forum. I'm actually entertaining thoughts of not calling or emailing H anymore. Not sending things. Just putting him out of my mind for the next half a year until he does show up, just to cope. It really sounds more like his kind of tactic than mine. But, I'm seeing the attraction in it.
It hit me a little harder since I've been away at this training. I flew in to a different university and am staying in the dorms and working with new people 18 hours a day this week. My surroundings are completely new. And it just pushed the reality of H further out of my grasp. I can't imagine him anymore. I can't fantasize about him. He seems like a very distant memory. But I know I still love him terribly because it hurts to feel this way.
