Yesterday I got a very significant email from H, out of the blue. I don't think he realized how significant it was, but it struck me pretty quickly.
His email started out, of course, full of why he hates where he's stationed, and how nothing is going right...blah, blah, blah. But it lead up to a story about how he did something very smart on his ship that prevented a very serious mishap. He's always been so particular and stubborn. But in his job, this means he is very, very competent. So, he saved the day. Even though he started with negatives, ended on negatives, it was obvious to me that he was proud and excited about having saved the ship.
What was so wonderful about the email, was that he emailed ME his story. Just hours after it happened. Something exciting and heroing happened and I'm probably the first one he told about it!
He also said that he hadn't heard from me in a while and was wondering and "hoping to hear from me soon." I hadn't emailed in for several days because I assumed he couldn't get email where his ship was. But, I was happy to hear that he needed to hear from me, like I need to hear from him.
I emailed him back about how cool he was and that I am proud of him and know he is so good at his job. I'll probably get some kind of response back from him telling me not to be such a goofball and downplaying the whole incident. I found out with DBing that he DOES want those words of affirmations-so bad. But, he has a hard time taking them. He is just mortally afraid of taking more credit than he thinks he deserves or appearing boastful in any way.
This whole thing takes me back to a conversation/arguement we had years ago. In conversation I had stated that this girlfriend of mine was my best friend. He took a little offense to that and told me that HE should be my best friend. I was really struck that he would say this, because at that time he had shown absolutely no interest in anything that I did and even told me that the things I liked were stupid. I told him that he wasn't my friend and that was HIS choice. He didn't treat me as well as my friends treated me (which was true). I told him that when we first got married I wanted to be friends, but he didn't want to do anything with me, even if it was something HE was interested in. I told him that it took me a little time, but that I had gotten over the fact that he wasn't going to be my friend. I had friends to share my interests. He was my husband, he played a different role, and I was finally content with that.
Basically I went with the whole truth without any padding. And I REALLY hurt his feelings. Of course, I didn't know how bad at the time. I was actually happy at the time that I had an opportunity to tell him how I felt about something that had been bothering me. And I was happy with myself for adjusting my expectations and getting over it.
Then that day a month or so after we moved, when he had his emotional break down in front of me, he brought it up again. It was the first time I'd seen him cry, and he was sobbing. He was going through a huge laundry list of everything that was wrong in his life, and when he got to me, the first thing he brought up was that I didn't even consider him a friend. And I STILL didn't get it (I hadn't heard of DBing or SBT or any of that). I tried to explain to him again that it was his choice not to be my friend, and finally admitted that I probably should have lied and said he was my best friend. To which he said, "yeah, you should have."
Here I am, nearly two years after that conversation, finally getting it. I should have told him he was my best friend, regardless of how much he was acting like it-thereby creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. But, I was thinking of the way he had treated me, the mean things he would say to put me down and try to make himself feel better, the way he would put down anything I was interested in. But, now I am realizing that I'm actually lucky, because H responds so quickly to his LL and to DBing. I don't mind being the first one change when he responds so quickly. I am thankful for that.
Now, I think being able to call him my "best friend" should be on my goal list. I need to sit down and write up an updated goals list. It's not short term or specific enough, I'd have to work on that.
But, I think the email he sent me yesterday is an indication that we are headed in that direction. Maybe a good goal would be for me to be comfortable telling him he is my best friend. And it would be nice if he accepted it.
H called last night and we were on the phone for nearly 3 hours. We talked about the new house and what home improvement projects I'm working on. We talked about how S3 is doing, the funny things he's said recently. I told H that S3 was very excited to drive to his parents' house, but I am having to make it clear that daddy won't be there this time. (Last time we saw H was when we drove to his parents' house while he was on leave.) But, I think S3 understands. He's still excited to see everyone else. And he will still be spoiled rotten.
And we talked about money. The house, S3, and money are always easy topics. It's amazing, but we really do talk openly about money. H is so responsible with money. It's taken me a few years, but I have learned from him and gotten much better with money too. My problem has always been making so little money that I was scared to take an inventory, not that I spend so much. He's a bigger spender than I am generally, but he makes enough money and he also saves and invests. I would prefer to save and invest more, but we are doing fine.
Another thing that I noticed is that H mentioned where "we" might get stationed next. He hasn't done that for almost a year I think. I want to talk more about the future and where we might go after he gets transfered. Mostly so I can spend time thinking about leaving this town. But, I know that it's impossible to even make a good guess at where he will be transfered at this point. Still a good year and a half left here. Eh.
It was a good phone call. I wish he'd call earlier in the day, though. Know I'm so tired and starting out the week without a workout (I weighed in a few pounds heavier this morning ). But, H sleeps most of the day when he isn't working and doesn't start moving around until afternoon. He's an insomniac and isn't willing to change his habits for anybody. Not even to try to fix his sleep problems.
Well, I've got to get ready for the day. Late this week S3 and I are making the long drive to the inlaws. H said he'd call while I'm there (the day before Mother's Day). I'm greedily hoping he sent me something for Mother's Day. Flowers would be awsome. He knows I like fresh cut flowers. My LL isn't gifts, but when you can't have physical touch or quality time, it's all there is.
H and I are doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances. Better than can be expected, really. But, sometimes, after five months has gone by since I've seen him, and there's still three months until I see him again, and I haven't heard his voice for two weeks, I begin to feel like he doesn't really exist. Like I'm in love with a figment of my imagination and I'm having trouble even imagining him anymore. I can't even think about how much longer it has to go on this way. Any normal person would say it's longer than a relationship could be sustained.
I'd say don't set yourself up for Mothers Day, and hoping for a gift. Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting something, just don't get your hopes up and then have to crash.
You haven't heard his voice, have you just come right out and asked him for more phone calls? That you really want to HEAR him more often? Just wondering. I know it's hard for him to get privacy when he calls, and that's a major factor.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW- I know what you're saying about getting my hopes up for Mother's Day. When I was trying to make myself accept that my M was over I did a very good job of not expecting anything. But, now these milestones like Mother's Day, Christmas, my birthday have become opportunities to "see" our relationship. If we were together I would be hoping for quality time together. And I'd be struggling with disappointment and frustration because for some reason H will buy me just about anything, but would NEVER go to a free concert in the park with me. I would consider myself lucky if he would just let me snuggle with him infront of the TV for half an hour. He likes to watch TV in comfort. Not with me "laying on him."
See...this is why we can do this long distance thing so well. Because, as long as it's not POSSIBLE for us to have quality time, it's hard to get very worked up about him not WANTING to spend quality time.
And yes, I have asked him to call more often. Only once. I asked in an email if he would call me more often when I got into the new house, figuring he probably didn't want to call me because he didn't want to talk to my mom or something. It wasn't very direct. But, honestly, I'm scared that I'll just be disappointed. He says how much he misses and loves me, yet won't adjust his sleeping patterns to call more often. I have to give him a break though. He works harder, longer hours than any of us probably will ever work.
I'm still thinking about last night's phone conversation. H told me that "everyone from the Command on down thinks you're a goddess." I was so struck by that. It will probably be one of those conversations I'll remember forever.
H is very private, but living on a small ship with the same 40 or so people, you're bound to talk about your family. H says most people on the boat don't even know he has a son. But, because he has mentioned that I used to be in the service with him, people ask about me. H said that he tells them that I used to be a junior officer. So, all the enlisted guys are impressed by that. H tells them that I have a Masters degree and work at a University. H tells them that I studied in Spain. He tells them that I was on the radio in AK and wrote for newspapers and magazines. And they are all so impressed. And I have to admit that it sounds good on paper.
But, let's be honest...I was a miserable and highly ineffectual junior officer in the service (is there any other kind?). I wouldn't say I "studied" so much as drank my way through Spain. I do have a Masters which I also barely earned in a field I don't really like anymore. I am paying through the nose on my student loan. Yes, I wrote and announced radio and wrote for good publications in AK, but that all ended when my H decided we had to get divorced. Now I am working at a University, in an administrative capacity and not even making a living wage. If I were to meet his buddies, which is highly unlikely, I would never measure up. Not to mention that I'm still terribly self conscious about my weight.
Of course, it feels good to know that H can brag about me in his understated way to his working buddies. But, when we were living together he wouldn't let anyone from work visit us. And when we were invited out, he declined. When we split in AK he said "you know why I can never let you meet any of the guys from work? Because I'm afraid you would talk down to them and embarass me." He even told me that someone on the boat said they'd like to meet me because I'd been in the service and H said "you will never meet my wife." I forget what he said when they asked why, but it was something about the service not screening their officer candidates well enough in my case.
Not to mention that, during the whole time we lived together he told me how stupid my writing was and how I would never be able to make a career out of it. Before I left AK I was mortified of someone at the local store realizing I was his wife because then they'd have this image of a really fat disgusting woman to go along with the horrible bitch stories I'm sure they heard.
I'm not as quick as most, but I do understand that a lot of that was H tearing me down to cover up his own insecurities. But, it's hard to be that rational about it. When it comes down to actions, H has never wanted me to meet anyone from work. It's hard not to feel like he is embarassed by me, even if he is talking me up now. It's almost as if it isn't about me at all, but how I reflect on him that he cares about.
He has said that he just likes to keep work and his personal life separate. But, his work is 99% of his life. So he can make out that he is married to some high powered intellectual, but the real me is relegated to 1% of his life. And I won't come out from behind closed doors because we both know I can't measure up to that image.
Wow, ok, I feel like I got a load off my chest. whew.
((opti)) feeling better yet? insecurities will rip you up and apart if you let it get to you. You got all that out, cool. Dump the load. But now, I want to see a post just as long or longer about the GOOD side of the "goddess". List all those positive qualities!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
the goddess is tired and feeling guilty for eatting that chocolate bar and falling off the weight watchers wagon again this week, but she is still getting off her big butt and going for a lunch time walk!
Sorry the post isn't longer than the last, but, I'll make up for it by moving my legs.
Love it!! The bag of Dove's chocolate in my desk drawer that is too good to put in the candy jar is very bad for me. Or very good, depends on how you look at it.
I heard a good reminder this morning in a song by Martina McBride - This Ones For the Girls.... you're beautiful the way you are. I've heard that song hundreds of times, but it sure hit me hard this morning, and I thought wow, if I could just believe that. Sure, we can always improve, but don't we just need to love ourselves?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I'm at a week long, intensive management training thing this week. I just have a minute to post, but something hit me just now that I had to get off my chest. And make a note of so I can write about it more later...
Actually, I've said it before, but H is fading from my life. I can hardly imagine what it's like to be with him anymore. I used to day dream about being next to him all the time, but it's as if I can't conjure the feeling up anymore.
I guess I got hit with a pretty big whammy just before I left for this training. Late the night before I was to get on the plane, I was sitting next to MiL as she was talking to H on the phone (I drove down to the inlaws to drop off S3 before flying out). I could tell from the conversation that H was telling her he wouldn't be visiting in July or August like he had mentioned last Thanksgiving. He was saying October instead. And I just sat there feeling like cold, black ink was swallowing me up. That means his visit is not 3 months away...I could live with that.. that's manageable...No, it's 5 months away. That's nearly another half a year. That means it will be almost an entire year gone by when I see him next (if his leave doesn't get pushed off more).
I know that many military families go a year without seeing there spouses. Not many, but some. Most get a visit every 6 months or so, atleast. But, it just drove it back home that this didn't have to be this way. That this was his choice. And I'm angry and depressed and feeling a step closer to hopeless.
He hasn't given me this news yet. It wasn't unclear from their conversation what they were talking about. We've talked on the phone and emailed, and he hasn't told me that he's not visiting yet. I'm not sure why. Maybe he's afraid to break it to me. Maybe he just doesn't feel in any rush to give me more information than he thinks I need to know. Maybe he doesn't think I care.
But, the news that H won't be visiting this summer really punched me in the gut. I barely slept that night and I had to get up at 4 am to catch the plane. And I'm feeling farther away from him than ever. Someone here asked me about my H and I just started into the standard explanation of how he had to be off on a ship and I needed to be closer to family for S...And I found myself totally disconnected from the story or H. It felt like I was just making it all up and wasn't really married at all.
God, I don't know how I'm going to handle 5 more months without seeing or touching H. And he's leaving on another trip soon so I won't hear from him much for a month. I know I have no choice. Time will just happen. I know I'm not going to run out and file for papers, so time will just pass on it's own, more or less painfully depending on how much I think on this.
Maybe I shouldn't have signed up for that KLA forum. I'm actually entertaining thoughts of not calling or emailing H anymore. Not sending things. Just putting him out of my mind for the next half a year until he does show up, just to cope. It really sounds more like his kind of tactic than mine. But, I'm seeing the attraction in it.
It hit me a little harder since I've been away at this training. I flew in to a different university and am staying in the dorms and working with new people 18 hours a day this week. My surroundings are completely new. And it just pushed the reality of H further out of my grasp. I can't imagine him anymore. I can't fantasize about him. He seems like a very distant memory. But I know I still love him terribly because it hurts to feel this way.
). But, H sleeps most of the day when he isn't working and doesn't start moving around until afternoon. He's an insomniac and isn't willing to change his habits for anybody. Not even to try to fix his sleep problems.