I'm still thinking about last night's phone conversation. H told me that "everyone from the Command on down thinks you're a goddess." I was so struck by that. It will probably be one of those conversations I'll remember forever.
H is very private, but living on a small ship with the same 40 or so people, you're bound to talk about your family. H says most people on the boat don't even know he has a son. But, because he has mentioned that I used to be in the service with him, people ask about me. H said that he tells them that I used to be a junior officer. So, all the enlisted guys are impressed by that. H tells them that I have a Masters degree and work at a University. H tells them that I studied in Spain. He tells them that I was on the radio in AK and wrote for newspapers and magazines. And they are all so impressed. And I have to admit that it sounds good on paper.
But, let's be honest...I was a miserable and highly ineffectual junior officer in the service (is there any other kind?). I wouldn't say I "studied" so much as drank my way through Spain. I do have a Masters which I also barely earned in a field I don't really like anymore. I am paying through the nose on my student loan. Yes, I wrote and announced radio and wrote for good publications in AK, but that all ended when my H decided we had to get divorced. Now I am working at a University, in an administrative capacity and not even making a living wage. If I were to meet his buddies, which is highly unlikely, I would never measure up. Not to mention that I'm still terribly self conscious about my weight.
Of course, it feels good to know that H can brag about me in his understated way to his working buddies. But, when we were living together he wouldn't let anyone from work visit us. And when we were invited out, he declined. When we split in AK he said "you know why I can never let you meet any of the guys from work? Because I'm afraid you would talk down to them and embarass me." He even told me that someone on the boat said they'd like to meet me because I'd been in the service and H said "you will never meet my wife." I forget what he said when they asked why, but it was something about the service not screening their officer candidates well enough in my case.
Not to mention that, during the whole time we lived together he told me how stupid my writing was and how I would never be able to make a career out of it. Before I left AK I was mortified of someone at the local store realizing I was his wife because then they'd have this image of a really fat disgusting woman to go along with the horrible bitch stories I'm sure they heard.
I'm not as quick as most, but I do understand that a lot of that was H tearing me down to cover up his own insecurities. But, it's hard to be that rational about it. When it comes down to actions, H has never wanted me to meet anyone from work. It's hard not to feel like he is embarassed by me, even if he is talking me up now. It's almost as if it isn't about me at all, but how I reflect on him that he cares about.
He has said that he just likes to keep work and his personal life separate. But, his work is 99% of his life. So he can make out that he is married to some high powered intellectual, but the real me is relegated to 1% of his life. And I won't come out from behind closed doors because we both know I can't measure up to that image.
Wow, ok, I feel like I got a load off my chest. whew.
