Yesterday I got a very significant email from H, out of the blue. I don't think he realized how significant it was, but it struck me pretty quickly.
His email started out, of course, full of why he hates where he's stationed, and how nothing is going right...blah, blah, blah. But it lead up to a story about how he did something very smart on his ship that prevented a very serious mishap. He's always been so particular and stubborn. But in his job, this means he is very, very competent. So, he saved the day. Even though he started with negatives, ended on negatives, it was obvious to me that he was proud and excited about having saved the ship.
What was so wonderful about the email, was that he emailed ME his story. Just hours after it happened. Something exciting and heroing happened and I'm probably the first one he told about it!
He also said that he hadn't heard from me in a while and was wondering and "hoping to hear from me soon." I hadn't emailed in for several days because I assumed he couldn't get email where his ship was. But, I was happy to hear that he needed to hear from me, like I need to hear from him.
I emailed him back about how cool he was and that I am proud of him and know he is so good at his job. I'll probably get some kind of response back from him telling me not to be such a goofball and downplaying the whole incident. I found out with DBing that he DOES want those words of affirmations-so bad. But, he has a hard time taking them. He is just mortally afraid of taking more credit than he thinks he deserves or appearing boastful in any way.
This whole thing takes me back to a conversation/arguement we had years ago. In conversation I had stated that this girlfriend of mine was my best friend. He took a little offense to that and told me that HE should be my best friend. I was really struck that he would say this, because at that time he had shown absolutely no interest in anything that I did and even told me that the things I liked were stupid. I told him that he wasn't my friend and that was HIS choice. He didn't treat me as well as my friends treated me (which was true). I told him that when we first got married I wanted to be friends, but he didn't want to do anything with me, even if it was something HE was interested in. I told him that it took me a little time, but that I had gotten over the fact that he wasn't going to be my friend. I had friends to share my interests. He was my husband, he played a different role, and I was finally content with that.
Basically I went with the whole truth without any padding. And I REALLY hurt his feelings. Of course, I didn't know how bad at the time. I was actually happy at the time that I had an opportunity to tell him how I felt about something that had been bothering me. And I was happy with myself for adjusting my expectations and getting over it.
Then that day a month or so after we moved, when he had his emotional break down in front of me, he brought it up again. It was the first time I'd seen him cry, and he was sobbing. He was going through a huge laundry list of everything that was wrong in his life, and when he got to me, the first thing he brought up was that I didn't even consider him a friend. And I STILL didn't get it (I hadn't heard of DBing or SBT or any of that). I tried to explain to him again that it was his choice not to be my friend, and finally admitted that I probably should have lied and said he was my best friend. To which he said, "yeah, you should have."
Here I am, nearly two years after that conversation, finally getting it. I should have told him he was my best friend, regardless of how much he was acting like it-thereby creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. But, I was thinking of the way he had treated me, the mean things he would say to put me down and try to make himself feel better, the way he would put down anything I was interested in. But, now I am realizing that I'm actually lucky, because H responds so quickly to his LL and to DBing. I don't mind being the first one change when he responds so quickly. I am thankful for that.
Now, I think being able to call him my "best friend" should be on my goal list. I need to sit down and write up an updated goals list. It's not short term or specific enough, I'd have to work on that.
But, I think the email he sent me yesterday is an indication that we are headed in that direction. Maybe a good goal would be for me to be comfortable telling him he is my best friend. And it would be nice if he accepted it.
