Well, it's a very bad night. It's one of those moments where I think I'm in over my head and I can't handle everything on my own. Nothing to do with my R, but I think I may have just lost my dog.
I put him outside on the lead while I was settling S3 in for bed. The fence was supposed to go in tomorrow, but the fencing guy put it off a week. But, it's so hard to manage S3 and a humungous dog by myself in this little house, that I've resorted to putting the dog outside on the lead while things settle down in the house.
S3 was finally going down and I was getting very sleepy so I got up and went outside to bring my dog in. I've had this dog for 8 years and through all my cross country moves during that time. Before my M and before my son. When I went outside the clip on the lead was just lying in the dirt. I walked around and around the block and called for him, but I can't leave site of my house with S3 sleeping. People were in and out of their houses and cars were coming and going. I started crying but I didn't knock on any doors or stop anyone to ask if they'd seen my dog. I started to have this panic attack about how mean everyone is here and how much they don't like me or my dog. How crazy is that? It's not rational, but it isn't entirely unfounded either.
I'm scared, and mainly that my neighbor may have taken my dog and done something to him. I have one nice, if odd ball neigbor, and one very horribly nasty neigbor. I tried to catch his eye when I first moved here, but he would never look my way. And the only time he has spoken to me was to yell at me, with his teenage sons, and my son, present because my dog had pooped in his yard. And yes, my dog did. My fault, because I was letting my dog run around off the lead and was watching my son and not the dog. But, I would have expected someone to just point that out, matter of factly to me, so I would know to pick it up. Not to berate me infront of his and my children. I have no idea what this man's name even is. His wife and children seem especially timid and run inside whenever I walk from my car to the house. I've had images of coming home to police cars and finding out this man has done away with his family and being asked if I'd seen any signs.
Anyway, I know this guy hates my dog. And I'm paranoid about the neigborhood now, because the only person to smile at me here, is from out of the area. Another non Native like myself. And I'm running through my head the possibilities of how my dog could have gotten off the lead. I've accidentally clipped the lead onto the weak metal ring that keeps his ID tag on his collar, instead of the collar ring itself. But, I looked all around and didn't see his ID tag on the ground anywhere. He's slipped his collar before too. But, there is no collar left behind. I really hope he has his ID tag on still. But no one has called. I keep perking up anytime a car drives by outside, but no one is stopping to drop him off.
This feels so awful. My dog was getting on my last nerves. Without the fence he had to stay inside our little house all day while I was at work. Then when I got home, my son rarely wanted to come with me to take the dog for a walk, so he didn't even get exercise while we were at home. He has been bored, frustrated, and misbehaving. I have thought so many times since I had to move and take on the single parent thing, that I really need to lighten my load, i.e. the dog. But, he is my obligation. I committed to him when I got him from the SPCA. He isn't the kind of dog many people are going to want to adopt at this late stage in his life. He has almost become my barometer for if I can keep things together or not.
If I can get through this without having to take my dog to the pound, than I am keeping things together. Now I think I've really screwed up and let him get loose. I hope to God he is just roaming the streets (not getting hit tonight even though he is black and not very smart), and hasn't been taken by someone. Even if someone would take him to the Humane Society, that would be good. I've taken him to dog wash fundraisers there twice before. They know him, he would be safe, and I can call in the morning. I really have no reasonable reason to think my nasty neigbor has taken him. But, they guy scares me too much to even go over there and ask. My dog is such a wuss. He's a hundred pound momma's boy and I've spoiled him.
Well, I know I'm not sleeping much tonight. I've gotta go downstairs and check around outside somemore. I feel so awful. I'm so scared for that stupid dog. I screwed up!
